When our lawn mower broke and wouldn t run my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed But somehow I always had something else to take care of first the shed the boat making beer Always something more important to me Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point When I arrived home one day I found her seated in the tall grass busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house I was gone only a minute and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush I said When you finish cutting the grass you might as well sweep the driveway The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when the old woman died The entire family showed up for the funeral and every day after the funeral the old man would visit the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there The groundskeeper at the cemetary after two months of observing this ritual decided to go talk to the old man Hello there You know I see you come out here every day to visit your wife`s grave and I just think that so sweet I was wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you No actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave I`d do it myself but I`d get arrested for indecent exposure

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place He noticed that they had ordered just one meal and as he watched the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half then counted out the fries until each had half of them The old man then began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn`t have to split theirs The old gentleman said Oh no We`ve been married 50 years and everything has always been and will always be shared 50/50 The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat to which she replied Not yet It`s his turn to use our the teeth

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better Two buses were hired one for the mothers -in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss Her friend asked her Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard I didn t realize u were so close to your mother-in-law? To which she replied No we are not close at all she missed the bus

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed here are the definitions: GUTS: Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys being met by your wife with a broom and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere? BALLS: Is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer lipstick on your collar slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: You re next Baby I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions However there is No difference in the outcome Both are fatal

On their anniversary night the husband sat his wife down in the den with her favorite magazine turned on the soft reading lamp slipped off her shoes patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself How romantic she thought Two-and-a-half hours later she was still waiting for dinner to be served She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess Her harried blonde husband removing something indescribable from the smoking oven saw her in the doorway Almost ready he vowed Sorry it took me so long - I had to refill the pepper shaker Why honey how long could that have taken you? More n an hour I reckon Wasn t easy stuffin it through those dumb little holes

Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi?? Wife: Jo aap kaho? Husband: Dal chawal bana lo Wife: Abhi kal hi to khaye the? Husband: Toh sabji roti bana lo? Wife: Bacche nahi khayenge? Husband: Toh chhole puri bana lo? Wife: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai? Husband: Eggs bhurji bana lo? Wife: Aaj guruvaar hai? Husband: Paraanthe ?? Wife: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai??? Husband: Hotel se mangwa lete hain?? Wife: Roz roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye? Husband: Kadhi chawal?? Wife: Dahi nahi hai? Husband: Idly sambar?? Wife: Usme time lagega Pehle bolna chahiye tha na ? Husband: Maggie hi bana lo usme time nahi lagega? Wife: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta? Husband: Phir ab kya banaogi?? Wife: Jo aap kaho

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something So he announced Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued My daughter finally finally returned my credit card to me The whole audience including priest started laughing But not the poor groom

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant Their waitress taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table with the woman acting unconcerned The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table Still the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared After the waitress finished taking the order she came over to the table and said to the woman Pardon me ma am but I think your husband just slid under the table The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly No he didn t He just walked in the doo

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died The entire family showed up to the funeral Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man Hello there You know we see you come out here every day to visit your wife s grave and we just think that so sweet We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you No actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave I d do it myself but I d get arrested for indecent exposure

A man left work one Friday afternoon But being payday instead of going home he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck When he finally appeared at home Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him How would you like it if you didn``t see me for two or three days? To which he replied That would be fine with me Monday went by and he didn``t see his wife Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results Come Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen Careful he said Put in some more butter Oh my gosh You re cooking too many at once Turn them Turn them now We need more butter Oh my gosh Where are we going to get more butter? They re going to stick Careful I said be careful You never listen to me when you re cooking Turn them Hurry up Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don t forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them Use the salt Use the salt The wife stared at him What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don t know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving

An elderly couple died in a car crash She was 82 and he was 87 years old While alive the wife had always been very health conscious regarding what they ate When they arrived at heaven they were shown to a luxurious accommodation There was a garden and a professional standard golf course At the far side of the golf course was the Club house serving free food and drinks 24 hours a day The club also accomodated satellite TV snooker tables and cabaret entertainment A short stroll from the club house was a never-ending golden beach which was always well attended by lovely bronzed naked women The man turned to his wife and said You dozy cow if it wasn t for you and your bloody health food I could have been here 20 years ago

Harry and Sheila were having dinner in a very fine restaurant Their waitress taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that Harry was ever so slowly silently sliding down his chair and under the table while Sheila acted quite unconcerned Their waitress watched as Harry slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table Still Sheila appeared calm and unruffled apparently unaware that Harry had disappeared under the table After the waitress finished taking the order she came over to the table and said to the woman Pardon me ma am but I think your husband just slid under the table Sheila calmly looked up at her and replied firmly Oh no he didn t In fact my husband just walked in the front doo

A woman had 8 children all of them boys So one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said Johnnie Right he said what about that blond one over there? Johnnie she said Oh and the tall one with the freckles? Johnnie she said Well and the little chubby one with the baseball cap? Johnnie she said Are all your boys called Johnnie? he asked Isn`t that terribly complicated? Not at all she said it makes everything very easy actually When I shout: Johnnie tea is ready they all come When I say: Johnnie it`s time for bed they all go to bed I see But what if you want only one of them? No problem she answers Then I call them by their surnames