एक मरीज डॉक्टर के पास गया। मरीज: डॉक्टर साहब मेरे कान में मटर का पौधा उग आया है। डॉक्टर: यह तो बड़ी हैरानी की बात है! मरीज: जी हां डॉक्टर साहब हैरानी की बात तो है ही क्योंकि मैंने तो अपने कान में भिन्डी के बीज डाले थे।

पत्नी: सुनो जी अखबार में खबर है कि एक व्यक्ति ने अपनी पत्नी को बेच डाला ? पति: ओह! कितने में? पत्नी: एक साइकिल के बदले में कहीं तुम भी तो ऐसा नहीं करोंगे। पति: मैं इतना मूर्ख थोडे ही हूं तुम्हारे बदले में तो कार आ सकती हैं।

Each Friday night after work Santa would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs But all of his neighbours were strict Catholics and since it was Lent they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest The Priest came to visit Santa and suggested that he become a Catholic After several classes and much study Santa attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him he said “You were born a Sikh and raised a Sikh but now you are a Catholic Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved until Friday night arrived The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Santa s backyard clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him he stopped and watched in amazement There stood Santa holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: Oye you waz born a chicken and you waz born a lamb you waz raised a chicken and you waz raised a lamb but now yara you are a potato and tomato

Banta feared his wife Preeto wasn t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid Not quite sure how to approach her he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss Here s what you do said the Doctor stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you If not go to 30 feet then 20 feet and so on until you get a response That evening Preeto is in the kitchen cooking dinner and Banta was in the den He says to himself I m about 40 feet away let s see what happens Then in a normal tone he asks Preeto ji what s for dinner? No response Banta moves closer to the kitchen about 30 feet from Preeto and repeats Preeto ji what s for dinner? Still no response Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from Preeto and asks Preeto ji what s for dinner? Again he gets no response So he walks up to the kitchen door about 10 feet away and asks Preeto ji what s for dinner? Again there is no response So he walks right up behind her Preeto ji what s for dinner? For God s sake Banta ji for the FIFTH time BIRYANI

The CBI is considering three men to be hired They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately The first man comes in and sits down The interviewer asks him: Do you love your wife? Yes I do sir Do you love your country? Yes I do sir What do you love more your wife or your country? My country sir Okay We brought in your wife Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her The man goes into the room and all is silent for about 5 minutes He comes back with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty He puts down the gun and leaves The second guy comes in and sits down The interviewer asks him the same questions and the responses are the same The interviewer gives him a gun and tells him to go kill his wife The guy puts the gun down and says I can`t do it The third guy Our Santa comes in the same thing happens The interviewer gives him a gun and tells him to go kill his wife The guy goes into the room and BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes Santa comes out of the room with his tie loosened and puts the gun on the table The interviewer looks at him and says What happened? ? The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle he

Pappu blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger His mother Jeeto tells him to stop it as he s liable to break something He continues Pappu Jeeto screams Knock it off You re going to break something He stops and eventually she leaves for a short trip to the store Pappu starts up with the balloon again He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet Jeeto comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge A diarrhea run She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH out it comes When she s finished she looks down and can t believe what she s seeing Diarrhea everywhere She s not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet She calls her doctor The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation but he assures her he ll be over shortly to examine everything When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long hard look at the thing Finally he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere On him the walls etc Doctor Doctor Are you alright? she asks He says I ve been in this business for over 30 years and this is the first time I ve ever seen a fart

Banta and one of his friends were picked up by the cops for using drugs and appeared in court before the judge The judge said “You seem like nice men and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever I’ll see you back in court Monday ” Monday Banta and his friend were in court and the judge said to the first one “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well your honor I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever ” “Seventeen people? That’s wonderful What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram your honor I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs ” “That’s admirable ” said the judge “And you how did you do?” the judge asked Banta Banta “Well your honor I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever ” “One-hundred-fifty people That’s amazing How did you manage to do that?” Banta “Well I used a similar approach I said This small circle is your asshole before prison and ”

Banta is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws The dealer tells him Look I have a lot of models but why don`t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model This chainsaw will cut a hundred of trees for you in one day So Banta takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees After cutting for several hours and only cutting two trees he decides to quit He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees? Banta asks himself I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day Banta tells himself So the next morning Banta gets up at 4:00 in the morning and cuts and cuts and cuts till nightfall and still he only manages to cut five trees Banta is convinced this is a bad saw The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day no problem I will take this saw back to the dealer The very next day Banta brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem The dealer baffled by the Banta`s claim removes the chainsaw from the case The dealer says Hmm it looks fine Then the dealer starts the chainsaw to which Banta responds What`s that noise?

संता: यार मेरी बीवी ने तो मेरी जान खा रखी है पिछले हफ्ते उसने मुझसे 200 रुपये मांगे परसों 500 मांगे कल 1000 मांग रही थी और आज तो 2000 रुपये मांग लिए। बंता: कमाल है आखिर इतने पैसों का वह करती क्या है? संता: पता नहीं आज तक तो मैंने दिए नहीं।

Santa and Banta apply for a job Santa wants that Banta get the job as he is less intelligent On the interview day Santa says First I will go inside and answer all the questions except the last one and after coming out I will give you all the answers and questions So you go and answer and you’ll get the job So Santa goes in Employer: “When did we get independence?” Santa: “Efforts began in 1857 but we got freedom in 1947” Employer: “Good Who’s our PM?” Santa: “It changes daily and these days it’s Atal Behari Vajpayee” Employer: Ok What is India’s population? Santa: (He was not to reply last one) “Good question research is going on and when I know I will tell you sir ” He comes out and tells Banta about all the questions and answers Banta was really excited and he remembers all the answers but forgets all the questions So he goes in now Employer: When were you born? Banta: Efforts started in 1857 but we got freedom in 1947 Employer: What? Who’s your father? Banta: It changes daily and these days it`s Atal Behari Vajpayee Employer:(he s upset now) Are you mad Mr Banta? Banta: Good question sir research is going on and when I know I will tell you

Banta: I`m going to become a lion tamer Santa: That`s crazy you don`t know nothing about no lion taming Banta: Yes I do Santa: Well OK answer me this When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting what you gonna do? Banta: I`ll take that big chair they all carry and I`ll stick it in his face until he backs down Santa: Well what if the lion takes that big paw and hooks the chair with them big claws and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then? Banta: I`ll take that whip they all carry and I`ll whip him and whip him until he backs down Santa: Well what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth and bites it in two? What you gonna do then? Banta: I`ll take that gun they all carry and shoot him Santa: Well what if that gun doesn`t work? What will you do then? Banta: I`ll pick up some of the shit that`s on the bottom of the cage and I throw it in his eyes and I run out of the cage Santa: Well what if there ain`t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then? Banta: You ain`t thinkin` none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me and he throws the chair out of the cage and he bites the whip in two and my gun don`t work there`s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage You can bet on that

One day Banta walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency holds up a page out of a newspaper and says: You say in this ad that you have a wonderful luxury cruise for only Rs 5000 I want to go on this wonderful luxury cruise The guy behind the counter says Sure Do you have five thousand in cash?? I sure do says Banta plunking the money down on the counter At that point two big thugs leap out of a closet whack Banta over the head drag his unconscious body out the back door stuff him in a barrel and drop the barrel into a river that flows past A few moments later Santa walks into the same dingy storefront travel agency holds up the newspaper ad and says: I want to go on this wonderful luxury cruise The guy behind the counter says: Sure you got the fare in cash? Yeah says Santa slapping the money on the counter Again the two big thugs leap out pound him on the head drag his limp form out the back door shove him in a barrel and drop it in the river After a while Santa and Banta regain consciousness and they find out that their barrels are bobbing along together Banta says: Good Afternoon Tell me do you happen to know if they serve dinner on this cruise? Santa shakes his head and says: No I don t think so At least they didn t last yea

संता: मैं दुनियां के सारे अस्पतालों में हो कर आ चूका हूँ। बंता: नहीं तुम अभी तक एक अस्पताल में हो कर नहीं आए होगे। संता: हो ही नहीं सकता तुम उस अस्पताल का नाम बताओ। बंता: जनाना अस्पताल। संता: अरे यार वहाँ तो मैं पैदा ही हुआ था।

एक बार संता अपने बेटे पप्पू का गणित का टेस्ट ले रहा होता है; संता: बेटा 5 के बाद क्या आता है? पप्पू: 6 7! संता: वाह मेरा बेटा तो बड़ा होशियार है और 6 7 के बाद क्या आता है? पप्पू: 8 9 10! संता: शाबाश और उसके बाद क्या आता है? पप्पू: गुलाम बेगम बादशाह!

Santa and Banta left the bar after a long night of drinking jumped in the car and started it up After a couple of minutes an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly Banta screamed Look at the window There`s an old ghost`s face here Santa sped up but the old man`s face stayed in the window Banta rolled his window down part way and scared out of his wits said What do you want? The old man softly replied You got any tobacco? Banta handed the old man a cigarette and yelled Step on it to Santa rolling up the window in terror A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again Santa said I don`t know what happened but don`t worry; the speedometer says we`re doing 80 now All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared There he is again Banta yelled He rolled down the window and shakily said Yes? Do you have a light? the old man quietly asked Banta threw a lighter out the window saying Step on it They were driving about 100 miles an hour trying to forget what they had just seen and heard when all of a sudden there came some more tapping Oh my God He`s back Banta rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror WHAT NOW? The old man gently replied You want some help getting out of the mud?