The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week had all the information that he needed on the other man The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S O B come onto the scene Being a man of the 90s and all he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business-like manner He sent the following e-mail to his wife s lover: Sir It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next The other man was highly amused by the husband s formal manner and sent the following reply: Dear Sir I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office s auditorium

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners military jets and the space shuttle all traveling at maximum velocity The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers When the gun was fired the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel crashed into the shatterproof shield smashed it to smithereens blasted through the control console snapped the engineer`s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions NASA responded with a one-line memo: Thaw the chickens

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft s electronic navigation and communications equipment Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine the helicopter s position and course to steer to the airport The pilot saw a tall building flew toward it circled drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window The pilot s sign said Where am I? in large letters The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building Their sign read You are in a helicopter The pilot smiled waved looked at the map determined the course to steer to the SEATAC airport and landed safely After they were on the ground the copilot asked the pilot how the You are in a helicopter sign helped determine their position The pilot responded I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because similar to their help-lines they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answe

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane with a couple of very important executives on board He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out He began circling around looking for a landmark Finally a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor He banks the plane around rolls down the window and shouts to the guy Hey where am I? The man replies You`re in an airplane The pilot rolls up the window executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away Just as the plane stops so does the engine as the fuel has run out The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it Quite easy replies the pilot I asked the guy in that building a simple question The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless therefore that must be Microsoft`s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people: A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows The woman then responded No my desk is next to the door But that is a good point The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his is working fine Tech Support: OK Bob let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen Now type the letter `P` to bring up the Program Manager Customer: I don`t have a `P` Tech Support: On your keyboard Bob Customer: What do you mean? Tech Support: `P` on your keyboard Bob Customer: I`m not going to do that Customer: Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette? I work for a local ISP Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: Hi Is this the Internet? Customer: So that`ll get me connected to the Internet right? Tech Support: Yeah Customer: And that`s the latest version of the Internet right? Tech Support: Uhh uh uh yeah

LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter LOG OFF: Don`t add wood MONITOR : Keep an eye on the wood stove MEGAHERTZ: When a big log drops on your barefoot in the morning FLOPPY DISK : What you get from piling too much wood RAM: The hydraulic thing that makes the woodsplitter work DRIVE: Getting home during most of the winter PROMPT: What you wish the mail was during the snow season ENTER: Come on in WINDOWS: What you shut when it gets 10 below normal SCREEN: What is a must during black fly season CHIP: What you munch during Vikings games MICROCHIP: What`s left in the bag when the chips are gone MODEM: What you did to the hay fields last July DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix`s wife LAPTOP: Where the grandkids sit KEYBOARD: Where you suppose to put the keys so that Misses can find them SOFTWARE: The plastic picnic utensils ya? MOUSE: What leaves them little turds in the cupboard MAINFRAME: The part of the sauna that holds up the roof PORT: Where do commericial fishing boats dock RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you can`t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when the wife asks about it

Boy: Hello Babe (11:45pm) Girl: (last seen at 11:46pm) Boy: Hey please answer me :) ( 11:50pm) Girl: (last seen at 11:52pm) Boy: But why do you treat me like that? Why don t you answer me? (12:00am) Girl: (last seen at 12:00am) Boy: Ok good night dear I just wanted to tell you that today I have received my salary worth Rs 50 000 and I have reserved 20k for your shopping but I think Girl (typing): Ohh Hi dear Actually mum was there that s why I couldn t reply N wow darling that s a great news I love you a lot N when shall we go ?(12:05am) Boy: (last seen 12:06am) Girl: Baby please answer me na dear I was off last time let me know na when shall we go?(12:08am) Boy: (last seen 12:09am) Girl: I think your luking very tired because off work load So now you go to bed and sleep well honey take care (12:10am) Boy: (last seen 12:12am) Girl: Sorry to disturb you but I think I forgot to tell you that tomorrow mom and dad are not at home in the evening so you can come to my place after the shopping Love you janu Good Night (12:20am) Boy (typing): Ohh I was preparing for sleep surely we will meet c ya tomorrow mmuuahhh

When Bill Gates died he went up to Heaven where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house with grounds and a tennis court Bill Gates was pleased and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven One day he was enjoying one of Heaven s many fine parks when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit That is a nice suit my friend said Gates Where did you get it? Actually the man replied I was given a hundred of these when I got here I ve been treated really well I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill with a huge five-hundred acre estate a golf course and three Rolls Royces Were you a pope or a doctor healing the sick? asked Gates No said his new friend Actually I was the captain of the Titanic Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St Peter Cornering Peter he told him about the man he had just met saying How could you give me a paltry new house while you re showering new cars a mansion and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows Vista operating system Why does he deserve better? True Peter replied But the Titanic only crashed once

When asked to your address your answer begins with http:// Instead of calling you to dinner your spouse sends e-mail You chat with your fingers not your mouth You use Netscape 4 72 and you check every week whether version 4 73 was released You know the difference between Java and Javascript Most of your friends have an in their names In order to watch CNN you move to www cnn com On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number You find yourself typing com after every period when using a word processor com You check your mail It says no new messages So you check it again You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP You are told about a new program and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-) You are told about a new program and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail but you remember your network address faster than your postal one You wake up at 3 a m to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane with a couple of very important executives on board He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out So he began circling around looking for a landmark After an hour or so he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous Finally a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor The pilot banks the plane around rolls down the window and shouts to the guy Hey where am I? To this the solitary office worker replies You re in a plane The pilot rolls up the window executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away Just as the plane stops so does the engine as the fuel has run out The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it Simple replies the pilot I asked the guy in that building a simple question The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless therefore that must be Microsoft s support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East

The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company s production line At which point the guided tour eventually arrived The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo This he said is the Super Computer It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer s microphone Where is my father? he asked There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people and then a little card popped out On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa Clever Guest laughed Actually he said My father is dead It had been a tricky question The salesman carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory but as computers were precise perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again? Clever Guest thought went to the Computer and this time said Where is my mother s husband? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights And again a little card popped out Printed on it were the words Dead But your father is still fishing off Goa

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper I`ll have a C monkey please The shopkeeper nodded went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey He fit a collar and leash handed it to the customer saying That`ll be 5000 The customer paid and walked out with his monkey Startled the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said That was a very expensive monkey The cost of them are only a few hundred dollars Why did it cost so much? The shopkeeper answered Ah that monkey can program in C; very fast tight code no bugs well worth the money The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage That one`s even more expensive 10 000 What does it do? Oh that one s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming Visual C++ even some Java All the really useful stuff said the shopkeeper The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own The price tag around its neck read 50 000 He gasped to the shopkeeper That one costs more than all the other put together What on earth does it do? The shopkeeper replied Well I haven`t actually seen it do anything but it says it`s a Project Manage

The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates Gates : Hi you must have heard of Windows Lallo : Oh yes In most govt offices we have the single window clearance concept Gates : At home have u installed Windows? Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on? Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India Lallo : Oh Yes Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops? Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A P Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence I will not bite Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing) Windows is restarting Please wait

An airline pilot with poor eyesight managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand One year though his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he`d been suckered all these years Then the doctor could not contain his curiosity How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway? Well said the pilot it`s really not very hard All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio And besides the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years I can understand that replied the doctor But what about the take- off? Again a simple procedure I just aim the plane down the runway go to full throttle pull back on the stick and off we go But once you`re aloft? Oh everything`s fully automated these days The flight computer knows our destination and all I have to do is hit the auto-pilot and the plane pretty much flies itself But I still don`t see how you land Oh that`s the easiest part of all All I do is use the airport`s radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell `AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ` then I will pull the nose up and the plane lands just fine

Bill Gates dies in a car accident He finds himself being sized up by God Well Bill I`m really confused on this call I m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell After all you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America yet you also created Windows 95 I`m going to do something I ve never done before In your case I m going to let you decide where you want to go Well what s the difference between the two? Bill asks God says I m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help your decision Fine but where should I go first? I ll leave that up to you Okay then says Bill Let me try Hell first So Bill goes to Hell It s a beautiful clean sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around playing in the water laughing and frolicking about The sun is shining the temperature is perfect He is very pleased This is great he tells God If this is Hell I REALLY want to see Heaven Fine says God and off they go Heaven is a place high in the clouds with angels drifting about playing harps and singing It s nice but not as enticing as Hell Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides Hmm I think I d prefer Hell he tells God Fine replies God As you desire So Bill Gates goes to Hell Two weeks later God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell When he gets there he finds Bill shackled to a wall screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave being burned and tortured by demons How s everything going? he asks Bill Bill responds his voice filled with anguish and disappointment This is awful This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago I can t believe this is happening What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water? Oh that was the SCREENSAVER