A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed women and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the doctors Walking down the dismal echoing corridors the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls he told his guide The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window This is a sad case said the doctor The patient rocked back and forth on her cot sobbing and sighing Santa she repeated over and over Oh Santa She was to marry a man named Santa said the doctor And on their wedding day Santa ran off with another woman It broke her heart and she went mad They moved on to another door and looked in Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket shrieking insanely Santa Santa Let me guess said the minister She lost Santa also No answered the doctor She s the one that got him

Just after Santa got married he was invited out for a night with the friends So Santa told his wife Jeeto that he would be home by midnight Well the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy so at around 2 30 AM Santa was drunk as a skunk and headed for home After about half an hour just as Santa got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times Quickly he realized she`d probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times Santa was really proud of himself having a quick witty solution even when smashed Next morning his wife Jeeto asked him what time he got in and he told her 12 o`clock She didn`t seem disturbed at all Whew Got away with that one She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock When Santa asked her why Jeeto said Well it cuckooed 3 times said `oh crap ` cuckooed 4 more times cleared it`s throat cuckooed another 3 times giggled cuckooed twice more and then farted

Santa and Banta are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Banta throws up all over himself Oh no he gasps Preeto will kill me Don t worry pal Santa replies Just tuck fifty bucks in your breast pocket and tell Preeto that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill So they stay another couple hours getting steadily drunker Eventually Banta rolls home Preeto immediate starts on him You reek of alcohol and you puked all over yourself she screams My God you are disgusting Nowainaminit says Banta speaking very carefully so as not to slur I can e splain everything Itsh not what you thinks I only had a couple drinks But this Santa got sick on me He d had one too many and cou n t hold his liquor He said he was sorry an gave me fifty bucks for the cleaning bill Preeto looks in his breast pocket But this is hundred bucks she exclaims Oh yea says Banta I almos forgot He shit in my pants too

Banta s driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot When he gets inside he finds the place is packed The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks ladies are dancing on the tables and there s hardly standing room anywhere Banta scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms but to no avail Finally he spots a small stairway and scrambles up When he gets to the top he discovers that all the doors are locked All but one When he opens the door all he sees is a big hole in the floor Desperate he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he s ever had right there in the hole Relieved he calmly walks down the stairs The once crowded barroom is completely empty not a soul was in sight Slowly a bartender rises from behind the bar What happened ? says Banta The bartender responds Where were you when the shit hit the fan?

Santa walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch The bartender thinks this guy doesn`t know the difference so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch Santa takes one sip and spits it out He promptly hollers at the bartender: I said 12-year old scotch you bozo Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch Santa takes a sip same reaction But the bartender still doesn`t believe the patron knows the difference So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch Again same reaction from Santa Finally the bartender is convinced He pours a glass of 12-year-old scotch Santa takes a sip and is most satisfied All the while this has been going on a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: hey mishter tashte this Santa obliges he promptly spits it out It tastes like piss Santa shoots back at the drunk The drunk replies: It ish How old am I ?

A man from Lahore was touring Punjab and got lost He saw Santa working in his field and stopped for directions Santa told him how to get to Shimla The man wanted to talk a bit so he asked Santa Is this your farm? Yep Santa answered How big is it? asked the tourist Well it starts down the road there where the creek is and follows the creek up and over the hill to about where you can see that big tree Then it runs across back of the barn to a big pile of stones up yonder and then down along the fence there to the road up that way The tourist smiled and said Well that s a nice place Let me tell you about my place out in Lahore I can get into my car and start out from one end of my property just as the sun is coming up in the east I can drive all-day and just as the sun is setting in the west I reach to other end of my ranch What do you think of that? Santa thought for a second or two and then said I had a car like that once

Santa and Banta head out for a quick round of golf Since they are short on time they decide to play only 9 holes Santa says to Banta `Let`s say we make the time worth the while at least for one of us and spot Rs 500 on the lowest score for the day ` Banta agrees and they enjoy a great game After the 8th hole Banta is ahead by 1 stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th Help me find my ball; you look over there he says to Santa After 5 minutes neither has had any luck and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty Banta pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground I`ve found my ball he announces triumphantly Santa looks at him forlornly After all the years we`ve been friends you`d cheat me on golf for a measly five hundred? What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here And a liar too Santa says with amazement `I`ll have you know I`ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes `

Santa and Banta were coming up in an inlet in the motor boat when they saw another boat loaded with fish Seeing as how their luck had been awful today Santa asked the fisherman what his secret was The fisherman replied Just go out to sea till the water is fresh Then stop there and drop your line You will get a huge haul of fish there Excited Santa fired up the motor and headed out to sea When they got a little way out he told Banta to fill up a bucket and taste the water Banta complied and said It is salty - not fresh So Santa went further out and told Banta to taste the water again after some time Banta replied It is still salty And so they went out further This went on for hours and every time Banta replied that the water was salty Finally it was starting to get dark and they were in the middle of nowhere when Santa asked Banta to taste the water one last time Banta replied But Santa there is no more water left in the bucket

Banta was driving back from Shimla when there was a terrible hailstorm Huge hailstones the size of tennis balls pelted his car leaving it full of dents He drove to the nearby automotive center and asked what he should do The mechanic explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least Rs 5 000 to repair Banta said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it He decided to have a little fun and said Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out Banta decided to give it a try before spending that much money He drove home and was in the garage with his lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when his neighbour Santa came over to visit What are you doing? asked Santa I m blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car explained Banta Well silly it s not going to work replied Santa Why not? asked Banta Because you ve got to roll up the windows first

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he figured that the latest episode was just that so he stayed put Suddenly however he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window Banta was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him Banta started yelling cursing and swinging his arms violently in an attempt to free himself of the sheets He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet As Banta stood there staring down at the sheets a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident walked up to him and asked What the heck is going on? Banta still staring down at the sheets replied I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost

Santa took a trip to Sydney Australia While in a bar an Autralian on the next stool spoke to our Santa in a friendly manner Look he said let`s have a little game I`ll ask you a riddle If you can answer it I`ll buy you a drink If you can`t then you buy me one OK? Yeah that sounds pretty fair and exciting too said Santa The Australian said My father and mother had one child It wasn`t my brother It wasn`t my sister Who was it? Santa scratched his head and finally when he was tired of thinking said I give up Who was it? It was me chortled the Australian So Santa paid for the drinks Back in Ludhiana Santa went into the bar and spotted Banta Hey Banta he said I got a game If you can answer a question I`ll buy you a drink If you can`t you have to buy me one Fair enough? Fair enough said Banta Ok my parents had one child It was not my brother It was not my sister Who was it? Search me said Banta I give up who was it? It was some Autralian down in Sydney

Banta and his fiance Preeto arrived at town hall seconds before closing time and caught a judge just as he was about to leave and asked him to marry them He asked if they had a license and when they didn`t sent them off to get one They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up and got the license from him When they got back to the judge he pointed out that they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa Banta and Preeto rushed back to the clerk`s office caught him again and got another license This time the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format Again they catch the clerk After five reissued licenses the judge is finally satisfied Judge: I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back If there are irregularities in the license your marriage would not be legal and any children you might have would be technical bastards Banta: That`s funny - that`s just what the clerk called you

Three convicts escaped from prison One was a Madrasi one a Gujarati and our Santa They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest When they climbed up they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn The warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft When he got up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back Just three gunnysacks The warden told him to find out what was in them so the assistant kicked the first sack which had the Madrasi in it He went Bow-wow so the assistant told the warden there was a dog in it Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it He went Meow so the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it Then he kicked the one with the Santa in it and there was no sound at all So he kicked it again and finally the Santa said Potatoes

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight This is exciting thought the gentleman I`ve always been a big fan of the Pope Perhaps I`ll be able to see him in person Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him Still the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff Shortly after take-off the Pope began a crossword puzzle This is fantastic thought the gentleman I`m really good at crosswords Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck he`ll ask me for assistance Almost immediately the Pope turned to the gentleman and said Excuse me but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in `unt`? Only one word leapt to mind My goodness thought the gentleman I can`t tell the Pope that There must be another word The gentleman thought for quite a while then it hit him Turning to the pope the gentleman said I think the word you`re looking for is `aunt` Of course said the Pope Do you have an eraser?

Once Banta asked Santa What is the secret behind your happy married life? Santa said You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other Then absolutely there will be no problems Banta asked Can you explain? Santa said In my house I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues We do not interfere in each other s decisions Still not convinced Banta asked Give me some examples Santa said Smaller issues like which car we should buy how much amount to save when to visit home town which Sofa air conditioner refrigerator to buy monthly expenses whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife I just agree to it Banta asked Then what is your role? Santa said My decisions are only for very big issues Like whether America should attack Iraq whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe whether to widen African economy whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc Do you know one thing my wife NEVER objects to any of these