Does anyone else get bothered by that last
inch the shower curtain wont cove

I have taken myself hostage. If you ever want to see me again, give me one hundred dollars.

Did you ever notice the people who say money isn’t everything are usually really rich?

If you drop hand sanitizer on the floor, does it clean the floor or does the floor get it dirty?

Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can’t count.

Why is it acceptable for people to be idiots but
not acceptable for me to point it out

CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order…like they should be.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they’ll use all their fingers.

i can only please one person a day, and apparently today is not your day... but who s f*ing day is it?

For one day I wish when someone gave me an excuse I didn t hear the BULLSHIT bell ringing every time!!!

I think that getting struck by lightning is the worst way to die. Its like God’s drive by shooting.

Why are you always the only one in your house that knows how to put a new toilet paper roll on the holder?

Why are you always the only one in your house that knows how to put a new toilet paper roll on the holder?