A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey The worm in the water lived while the one in whiskey curled up and died All right son asked the father what does that show you? Well Dad it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving but since the guy had a clean record he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car Are you sure this is your house? the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood Shertainly said the drunk and if you ll just open the door f me I can prove it to ya

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention but still the man says nothing The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak Finally the drunk replies No use knocking there`s no paper in this one eithe

A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the finest single malt scotch The bartender sets him up and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor He then takes the last shot and does the same The bartender asks Why did you do that? And the guy replies Well the first shot always tastes like crap and the last one always makes me sick

There`s this little guy sitting inside a bar just looking at his drink He stays like that for half-an-hour Then this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down The poor man starts crying The truck driver says: Come on man I was just joking Here I`ll buy you another drink I just can`t see a man crying

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them Can`t you see Ben intoned the Parson that not one good thing comes out of this drinking? Well I sort of disagree there replied the backslider It makes me miss the folks I shoot at

Some ladies who were determined to put an end to drinking in their colony went to the house of a retired Army Officer one evening When did you last have a drink? they asked 1945 replied the officer That is very good remarked the ladies very happily So you are a teetotaler now? I wouldn t call it exactly that replied the officer looking at his watch You see it is only 2015 now

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests He says I m Jesus Christ The first priest says No son you re not So the drunk says it to the second priest The second priest says No son you re not The drunk says Look I can prove it He walks back into the bar with the two priests The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims Jesus Christ you re here again?

The car sped off the highway went through the guardrail rolled down a cliff bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop A passing motorist who had witnessed the entire accident helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck Good lord mister he gasped Are you drunk? Of course said the man brushing the dirt from his suit What the hell do you think I am a stunt driver?

1 No thanks I m married 2 Nope no more booze for me 3 Sorry but you re not really my type 4 I m not interested in fighting you 5 Thank you but I won t make any attempt to dance I have no coordination I d hate to look like a fool 6 Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road 7 I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy What the heck are you doing ? he asks the drunk I m looking for my car and I can t find it he replies So how does feeling the roof help you ? asks the puzzled manager Well replies the drunk earnestly MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork About two hours says the conductor OK says the drunk then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick? The irate driver says to the drunk It`s still about two hours Why`d you think there`d be a difference? Well says the drunk It`s only a week between Christmas and New Year but it`s a long time between New Year and Christmas

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman After awhile the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk She turns to him and says Excuse me Mister but did you just shit yourself? The drunk replied Yes ma`am I have indeed shit myself The woman says Well why don`t you go somewhere and clean yourself up? The drunk says `Cos I`m not finished yet

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman After awhile the woman starts to smell this horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk She turns to him and says Excuse me Mister but did you just shit yourself? The drunk replied Yes ma am I have indeed shit myself The woman says Well why don t you go somewhere and clean yourself up? The drunk says Cos I m not finished yet

A man saw his friend limping badly as he came towards him Yaar how did you get this injury to your leg? I did not have enough to drink replied the other That does not make any sense How can you hurt yourself by not having enough to drink? Very simple replied his friend If I had been really and fully drunk I would have fallen down at the shop As I was half drunk I tried to walk home fell into a ditch and sprained my foot