After the Great Britain Beer Festival in London all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer The guy from Corona sits down and says Hey Señor I would like the world`s best beer a Corona The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him The guy from Budweiser says I`d like the best beer in the world give me `The King Of Beers` a Budweiser The bartender gives him one The guy from Coors says I`d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water give me a Coors He gets it The guy from Guinness sits down and says Give me a Coke The bartender is a little taken aback but gives him what he ordered The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why aren`t you drinking a Guinness? The Guinness president replies Well if you guys aren`t drinking beer neither will I

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister The Minister turns notices the old drunk and says Mister are you ready to find Jesus? The drunk looks back and says Yes sir I am The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up Have you found Jesus? the Minister asked No I didn t said the drunk The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer brings him up and says Now brother have you found Jesus? No I did not said the drunk again Disgusted the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him up and demands For the grace of God have you found Jesus yet? The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads Are you sure this is where he fell in?

शराबी अपने दोस्त से आज तब तक पियेंगे
जब तक वो सामने वाले 3 पेड़ 6 नहीं दिखने लगेगे
बार टेंडर बस करो कमीनो सामने एक ही पेड़ है
अब क्या जंगल बनाओगे

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says Mister Are you ready to find Jesus? The drunk looks back and says Yes Preacher I sure am The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked No I didn t said the drunk The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer brings him up and says Now brother have you found Jesus? No I did not Reverend The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone My Good man have you found Jesus yet? The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Back in the days of the old Wild Wild West lived a guy named Ted who used to have a lot of fun He rode into town like he usually did every Saturday night and he went into the saloon and got drunk All of his friends saw him drinking and decided to play a trick on him So they went outside and turned the saddle on his horse around That way they figured when he got outside drunk and they put him on there he would get on home the best way he could So when it was time he got real drunk and staggered outside got up on his horse and rode off The next morning when he woke up he says My goodness And his wife says What s a matter dear don t you feel alright? He said Yeah but I sure had a tough time getting home last night Some son of a gun cut my horses head off and I had to guide him all the way home with my finger sticking in his windpipe

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening It s Friday you know so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good I had four or five of those Then I had to drive my friend Johne home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn t be rude you know Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey which he held up for inspection The officer sighed and said Sir I m afraid I ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test Indignantly the man said Why? Don t you believe me???

Things that are DIFFICULT to say when drunk: 1 Innovative 2 Preliminary 3 Anaesthetist 4 Cinnamon 5 Chrysanthemum Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when drunk: 1 Specificity 2 Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition 3 Anti-constitutionalistically 4 Transubstantiate 5 Sphygmomanometer Things that are downright IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk: 1 Thanks but I don t want to have sex 2 Nope no more booze for me 3 Sorry but you re not really my type 4 Mac Donalds? No thanks I m not hungry 5 Good evening officer Isn t it lovely out tonight? 6 Oh I couldn t No one wants to hear me sing karaoke 7 I m not interested in fighting you 8 Thank you but I won t make any attempt to dance I have no coordination I d hate to look like a fool 9 Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street 10 I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner The man took out his wallet extracted ten dollars and asked If I give you this money will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner? No I had to stop drinking years ago the homeless man replied Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food? the man asked Are you NUTS replied the homeless man I haven t played golf in 20 years Well said the man I m not going to give you money Instead I m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife The homeless man was astounded Won t your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied That s okay It s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts A double whisky please barman and a drink for everyone here and while you re at it have one yourself Well thank you sir says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks Moments later the guy shouts Another whisky for me and the same again for everyone else The bartender looks a little worried now and says Excuse me sir but don t you think you should pay me for that last round first? The guy slurs I can t I don t have any money With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out A double whisky for me and a drink for all my friends I suppose you ll be offering me a drink too? the barman asks marvelling at the guy s nerve Not likely slurs the guy you get nasty when you ve had a drink

Two men started in a bar and then had a couple of drinks together Look said one I want to treat you now but I`ve no more money with me I`ll just go back to my flat and gets some from my wife Why don`t you amoe along Sure said the other The mans flat was just a few steps away and they went up to the first floor Inside it in full view doors wide open` the man`s wife was in bed with another man The acquaintance from the bar was shocked and embarrased but the husband kept his cool Got some money? he asked his wife Sure Look in my purse It`s over there on dresser The husband did found some and motioning to his new friend led the way out back to the pub Two more of the same He asked to the barkeeper The second man was too amazed by what he`d seen to say a word Finally he asked But what about the man in the bed? Oh he can buy his own drink said the husband

Late one Friday night the policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening Aye so I have Tis Friday you know so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints And then there was something called Happy Hour and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good I had four or five o those Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn t be rude ye know Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey which he held up for inspection The officer sighed and said Sir I m afraid I ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test Indignantly the man said Why? Don t ye believe me?

On his first date with a beautiful woman Joe decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District Upon tasting the wine Joe berated the steward No no this is a 1987 Vintage from the North Coast Vineyards near Calistoga Please bring me what I ordered The second bottle of wine was poured and once again Joe was annoyed No no this is 1985 all right but it s from the Mount Helena vineyards Watching the drama from the bar an old drunk came up to the table and said Wow that s an impressive ability Can you tell me what s in my glass? Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date Joe sipped at the drunk s glass Christ this tastes like piss he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out That s exactly right said the drunk Now tell me when and where I was born

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says Mister are you ready to find Jesus? The drunk looks back and says Yess Preasher I ssssure am The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up Have you found Jesus? the preacher asked Nooo I ddddidnt said the drunk The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer brings him up and says Now brother have you found Jesus? Noooo I dddid not Reverrrrend The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone My God man have you found Jesus yet? The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?

A guy comes home completely drunk one night He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife who is most definitely not happy Where the hell have you been all night? she demands At this new bar he says The Golden Saloon Everything there is golden It s got huge golden doors a golden floor and even the urinal s gold The wife still doesn t believe his story and the next day checks the phone book finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon She calls up the place to check her husband s story Is this the Golden Saloon? she asks when the bartender answers the phone Yes it is bartender answers Do you have huge golden doors? Sure do Do you have golden floors? Most certainly do What about golden urinals? There s a long pause then the woman hears the bartender yelling Hey Duke I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand The turtle s one eye is black and blue two of his legs are bandaged and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape The guy notices a dog laying down on the other side of the bar The bartender asks the man My gosh What s wrong with your turtle? Absolutely nothing the man responds In fact this turtle is very fast Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog I ll bet you 500 that before your dog reaches you my turtle will be there on your side So the bartender thinking it s an easy 500 agrees The guy puts his turtle on the floor and the bartender goes to the other side of the bar On the count of three he calls his dog Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it against the wall Told you he d be there before your dog Pay up