A Police Officer pulls over this guy who s been weaving in and out of the lanes He goes up to the guy s window and says Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube The man says Sorry officer I can t do that I am an asthmatic If I do that I ll have a really bad asthma attack Okay fine I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample I can t do that either I am a hemophiliac If I do that I ll bleed to death Well then we need a urine sample I m sorry officer I can t do that either I am also a diabetic If I do that I ll get really low blood sugar All right then I need you to come out here and walk this white line I can t do that officer Why not? Because I m drunk

Nawab sahab has been at a pub all night drinking The bartender finally says that the bar is closed So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face He figures he`ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face He crawls through the door and up the stairs When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him So you ve been out drinking again How did you know? he asks The pub called you left your wheelchair there again

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him Look said the customer I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth? Sure said the bartender and he did Now said the customer I wonder if you d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth Certainly And it was done If said the armless man you d reach in my right hand pants pocket you ll find the money for the beer The bartender got it You ve been very kind said the customer Just one thing more Where is the men s room? Out the door said the bartender turn left walk two blocks and there s one in a filling station on the corne

An Irishman s been at a pub all night drinking beer The bartender finally says that the bar is closed So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face He figures he ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face He crawls through the door and up the stairs When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him So you ve been out drinking again How did you know? he asks The pub called you left your wheelchair there again

Bobby walks into a bar and says Bartender one round for everyone on me The bartender says Well seems you re in a really good mood tonight hmm? Bobby says Oh you can bet on it I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters I start on Monday The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round Monday evening arrives Bobby comes back into the bar and says Bartender TWO rounds for everyone on me The bartender says Well now If you re so happy just over having this new job I can just imagine how happy you ll be when you get your paycheck Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says You mean they ll PAY me too?

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while? To which she responds by yelling at the top of her lungs No I won`t sleep with you tonight Everyone in the bar is now staring at them Naturally the shy guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table After a few minutes the woman walks over to him and apologizes She smiles at him and says I`m sorry if I embarrassed you You see I`m a journalist and I`ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations To which he responds at the top of his lungs What do you mean Rs 1000?

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off How did this happen? the emergency room doctor asked her Well I was trying to commit suicide the blonde replied What? sputtered the doctor You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger? No silly the blonde said First I put the gun to my chest and then I thought I just paid 6 000 00 for these implants I m not shooting myself in the chest So then? asked the doctor Then I put the gun in my mouth I thought I just paid 3 000 00 to get my teeth straightened I m not shooting myself in the mouth So then? Then I put the gun to my ear I thought: This is going to make a loud noise So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigge

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes Meanwhile all the other patrons left the bar and drove off Finally he started his engine and began to pull away The police officer was waiting for him As soon as he pulled onto the street the officer stopped him read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content The results showed a reading of The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be The driver replied Tonight I m the designated decoy

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes Meanwhile all the other patrons left the bar and drove off Finally he started his engine and began to pull away The police officer was waiting for him As soon as he pulled onto the street the officer stopped him read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content The results showed a reading of The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be The driver replied Tonight I m the designated decoy

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light slurring Well it looks like plastic Then he rolled it between his fingers adding But it feels like rubber Curious the lawyer asked What do you have there mister? The drunk stammered Damn if I know but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber The lawyer said Let me take a look And the drunk handed it over The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers then examined it closely Yeah it does look like plastic and feel like rubber but I don t know what it is Where did you get it anyway? The drunk replied Out of my nose

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo When the herd is hunted it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells Excessive intake of alcohol we all know kills brain cells but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells making the brain a faster and more efficient machine That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers and that’s why beer is so GOOD for you

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand The turtle s one eye is black and blue two of his legs are bandaged and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape The bartender asks the man What s wrong with your turtle? Nothing the man responds this turtle is very fast Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog I ll bet you 5000 bucks that before your dog reaches you my turtle will be there So the bartender thinking it s an easy 5000 agrees He goes to the other side of the bar and on the count of three calls his dog Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room narrowly missing the bartender and smashing into the wall Told you it ll be there before your dog

A guy walks into a Texas bar and orders a small glass beer When the bartender comes with the drink it was the size of a a keg The guy says that he just ordered a small glass of beer Bartender says That is a small glass of beer son Everything in Texas is big Then he ordered a small steak When the waitress brings it to him it is this huge 40 oz piece of meat The guy says that he only ordered a small steak The waitress says Son everything is big in Texas After eating he asks where the bathroom is and is told to take the third door on the right By now he is a bit smashed and though he carefully counts the doors he enters the third door on the left and falls into a pool He returns to the bar soaking wet What in Hell happened to you? asks the barkeep Oh man I fell in the damn toilet

A MAN in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket What? Why would you want so many martinis? questioned the bartender My horse likes them replied the cowboy and he s tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst I want to surprise him So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis If you don t mind he said I d like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes Be my guest said the customer and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse who drank deeply Darnedest thing I ever saw said the bartender Why don t you come back in and I ll mix you a few on the house No I couldn t do that said the man But thanks anyway What s the matter? asked the bartender Don t you like martinis? Love em replied the cowboy but I gotta drive

It was a fine summer evening at the local pub in Dublin The bar was about half full In one corner two fellows sat drinking pints One fellow asks the other Now where are ya from me lad? The second fellow replies County Cork The first fellow is amazed Why that`s were I hail from too What may be your family name then? The second chap says It be none other than O`Brien Why that is my clan too What a small world And to what school did you go? I went to St Brigits My God So did I exclaimed the first fellow loudly So then in what fine year did you graduate? 1954 Incredible so did I The local bobby (are they called that in Ireland?) stopped in around then to say hello to the bartender Every thing OK Michael? Yes the bartender replied things are pretty normal - the O`Brien wins are drunk again