A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave loses his balance and falls in There s a puddle of water in the hole and he spends the rest of the night yelling Help me I m cold Someone help me I m cold At closing time another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise He gets to the open grave looks down and says Of course you re cold you idiot you kicked all the dirt off yourself

A meat counter clerk who was drunk and had a particularly good day proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it That will be 6 35 he told the customer That really is a little too small said the woman Don`t you have anything larger Hesitating but thinking fast the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator paused a moment then took it out again This one he said faintly will be 6 65 The woman paused for a moment then made her decision I know what she said I`ll take both of them

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending too much time at the pub so one night he took her long What`ll ya have? he asked Oh I don`t know The same as you I suppose she replied So the husband ordered a couple of whiskies then threw his down in one gulp His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out Yuck that`s nasty poison she sputtered I don`t know how you can drink this stuff Well there you go cried the husband And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night

A guy goes into the bar and sits down and orders a drink Other than the bartender there s no one else in the place All of a sudden he hears a voice say Nice suit He looks around and doesn t see anyone and the bartender looks busy washing some glasses A little while later the same voice says Nice tie The guy looks around again and doesn t see anyone He finally asks the bartender if he just said something No replied the bartender it wasn t me It was probably the peanuts though They re complimentary

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box He opens the door sits down and says nothing The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts Growing impatient the priest coughs to attract his attention but still the man says nothing The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak Finally the drunk replies No use knocking mate there s no paper in this one eithe

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box He opens the door sits down and says nothing The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts Growing impatient the priest coughs to attract his attention but still the man says nothing The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak Finally the drunk replies: No use knockin mate there`s no toiletpaper in this one eithe

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like The first vampire responds I would like some blood The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like The vampire responds I would like some blood The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like The vampire responds I would like some plasma The waitress looks up and says Let me see if I have this order correct You want two bloods and a blood light?

A drunk after having had one too many called up the bartender and asked him the distance between Dalhousie Square and Ballygunge in Calcutta The bartender in all honesty answered Why Sir it is 15 kilometers The drunk then asked him the distance between Ballygunge and Dalhousie Square which again the bartender answered as 15 kilometers Whereupon the drunk accused the bartender of being heavy on the booze asking how his answers could be correct as Monday to Friday and Friday to Monday could not be the same distance

Because they ve spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home Dave has a drunken idea Let s steal a bus He persuades Eric to break into the bus station But 20 minutes later Eric has failed to emerge Dave sticks his head round the door What on earth are you doing? I can t find a number seven anywhere says a distressed Eric You idiot shouts Dave shaking his head in disbelief Just steal a number nine We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way

Two drunks are walking along One drunk says to the other What a beautiful night look at the moon The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend You are wrong that`s not the moon that`s the sun Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him Sir could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that`s shining Is it the moon or the sun? The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said Sorry I don`t live around here

Two smart fellows were in a pub They called the pubs owner over and asked him to settle an argument Are there two pints in a quart or four? asked one There be two pints in a quart confirmed the owner They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order Two pints please miss and they are on the house The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the fellows called out to the owner at the other end of the bar You did say two pints didn t you? That s right he called back two pints

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunken guy asking what time the bar opens It opens at noon answers the clerk About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy sounding even drunker What time does the bar open? he asks Same time as before Noon replies the clerk Another hour passes and he calls again plastered Whatjoo shay the bar opins at? The clerk then answers It opens at noon but if you can`t wait I can have room service send something up to you Oh No I don`t want to git in Ah want to git OUT

Every afternoon this guy goes into the bar and orders 4 shots of scotch at the same time then proceeds to drink them all One day the bartender asks him why he orders all 4 at once and the guy replies that he has 3 brothers who do the same thing every day at the same time so that they can all have a drink together no matter where they are One day the guy comes in and only orders 3 shots Well the bartender thinking the worst asks the guy if one of his brothers had passed away The guy laughs and says No it`s me I quit drinking

A man goes into a bar very thirsty He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him The man next to him calls for the bartender saying I ll have another waterloo The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink Wanting to try this new drink he says I ll have a waterloo too The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink He takes a big drink and says HEY This isn t any good It tastes just like water The man next to him looks at the bartender and says Well it is water right Lou?

A man was seen walking in a drunkard manner with anger written large on his face wearing a pair of somewhat tight shoes A Haryanavi passerby who happened to go that way stopped and asked the man From where did you buy such tight shoes? Aey Mister you had better mind your own business I ve plucked them from a tree But I wonder what`s that to do with you Absolutely nothing But friend you made some haste If you had plucked them two or three months hence they would have definitely fitted your feet well said the Haryanavi mockingly