Three vampires went into a bar and sat down The barmaid came over to take their orders And what would you er gentlemen like tonight? The first vampire said I ll have a mug of blood The second vampiresaid I ll have a mug of blood The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said I ll have a glass of plasma The barmaid wrote down each order went to the bar and called to the bartender Two bloods and a blood light
My god What happened to you? the bartender asked Richards as he hobbled in on a crutch one arm in a cast I got in a tiff with Martin Martin? He s just a wee fellow the barkeep said surprised He must have had something in his hand That he did Richards said A shovel it was Dear Lord Didn t you have anything in your hand? Aye that I did-- Mrs Martin s tit Richards said And a beautiful thing it was but not much use in a fight
In our life problems may go from Haywards 2000 to Haywards 5000 but we must take them as a Royal Challenge otherwise people will call us Old Monk and put a Black Label on our name So we must learn from Teachers to fight like Jack Daniel live like a Bagpiper walk like Johny Walker work till 8 PM think like Director Special Then life will be Imperial and we will become Aristocrat and there will be value for our Signature CHEERS
Fred was having trouble with a drinking problem and swore that he would correct it with sheer willpower He had decided to walk straight past the pub without going in As he approached the doors he kept repeating to himself You can do it You can do it The pressure was tough but Fred persevered right past he went Fifty metres past and he congratulated himself I knew you could do it You were great Let s go back and I ll buy you a drink
A pub s closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door then to walk home despite only living a few hundred yards from there He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours He wakes up the next morning and his wife tells him You were really drunk last night weren t you? Yeah why? How do you know? You left your wheelchair at the pu
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested then suddenly a whiskey came along Pizza thought: Ok I ll let him pass there s no hurry Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too but two minutes later when the next one got there pizza stoped him What s going on out there? it asked Why there s a party going on It s great They re having the most fun the whiskey replied And pizza said Great I ll go check it out
If you feel overloaded with Work Immediately go to the nearest Biological Anxiety Relief (BAR) center and place order for any one or more of the following Antidotes: 1: Work Isolating Neutralizing Extract (WINE) 2: Radioactive Un-work Medicine (RUM) 3: Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER) 4: Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA) This is issued in public interest by Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)
A juggler driving to his next performance is stopped by the police What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car? asks the cop I`m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act Oh yeah? says the doubtful cop Lets see you do it The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully A couple driving by slows down to watch Wow says the driver to his wife I`m glad I quit drinking Look at the test they`re giving now
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies one with his fingers up the bum of the other So what s going on here? he asks The bikie replies My mate here has had too much to drink and I m trying to make him vomit The cop says I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT The bikie replies That s what I m going to do next
A guy sitting in a bar is really looking nervous Every time the door opens he jumps Every time there is a noise he cringes The bartender after watching this for an hour finally goes over and asks What s the matter with you? Well I received a letter today that said if I didn t stop fooling around with his wife he was gonna shoot me For heaven s sake Why don t you just stop fooling around with his wife? Came the reply I would but he didn t sign his name
There were three men at a bar One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men The police came and took the drunk guy to jail The next day the man went before the judge The judge asked the man Where do you work? The man said Here and there The judge asked the man What do you do for a living? The man said This and that The judge then said Take him away The man said Wait judge when will I get out? The judge said to the man Sooner or late
Down South Bubba called his attorney and asked Is it true they re suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? Yes Bubba sure is true responded the lawyer And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries is that true mister lawyer? Sure is Bubba But why are you asking? Cause what I want to know is can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I ve slept with?
A drunk walked into a bar crying One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened I did a terrible thing sniffed the drunk Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Champagne That is awful said the other guy And now that she is gone you want her back right? Right said the drunk still crying You re sorry you sold her because you realised too late that you still loved her right? Oh No said the drunk I want her back because I m thirsty again
A taxi driver goes to a bar to pick up his fare a really drunk guy who has been in the bar way too long After giving directions back to his house he and the taxi driver are talking The drunk guy leans forwards and says Hey taxi-dude Think you got enough room in the front for a case of beer and a couple of chicken burgers? Taxi guy says Sure Not a problem Some french fries and some meat loafs? Not a problem sir Taxi guy replied The drunk guy goes BLLLLEEEEEECCCHHHHH
A man goes into a bar and tells the bartender to give him a double Then he slams it down and takes a picture out of his pocket looks at it for a moment then puts it back He then asks the bartender for another double He drinks it looks at the picture puts it back and asks for another drink This time the bartender is overcome by curiosity What`s that a picture of? the bartender asks It`s a picture of my wife the man slurs and when she finally starts looking good I`ll go home
