A conversation heard at a local pub: Gee Sam wish you were here with me But Tom I am Look see I m right in front of you No you re not Yes I am Can prove you re not Bet you 5 You re on You re not in New York City are you? That s true And you re not in Montreal Can t argue with you there And you are definitely not in Paris Nope If you re not in New York City Montreal or Paris then you must be someplace else Yea that makes sense Well if you re someplace else you can t be here So pay up let s have the 5 Can t Why not? I m not here

The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic At his family s urging he went to see a psychiatrist After a lengthy consultation the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist s office I wanna report that I wash drunk last night he mumbled For heaven s sake man you re drunk right now cried the doctor Yeah I know said the patient but I m gonna report this tomorrow

Leaving the pub after drinking heavily this fellow got into his car and decided that the best thing for him to do would be to follow the rear lights of another car that was just pulling out Everything was fine for about three miles when the lights of the car in front went out and the drunk driver smashed into the back of it “Hey what do you think you’re doing turning your lights off? It’s pitch black ” shouted the drunk driver “What the hell do you expect me to do?” came the answer “I’m in my own garage ”

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down After a few minutes the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink and he said No thanks I don t drink I tried it once but I didn t like it So the bartender said Well would you like a cigarette? The man said No I don t smoke I tried it once but I didn`t like it The bartender asked him if he d like to play a game of pool and again the man said No I don t like pool I tried it once but I didn`t like it As a matter of fact I wouldn t be here at all but I m waiting on my son The bartender said Your only son I presume

A businessman entered a tavern sat down at the bar and ordered a double scotch on the rocks After he finished the drink he peeked inside his shirt pocket then he ordered another double scotch After he finished that one he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch Finally the bartender said Look buddy I ll bring you drinks all night long But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another The customer replied I m looking at a photo of my wife When she starts to look good then I know it s time to go home

A music hall entertainer is stopped by the police for having a faulty brake light and on the back seat of the car the policeman spots a whole set of knives He ask the man why he has them - doesn t he know it s against the law to carry knifes? The man explains that the knifes are used in his act - he juggles them The policeman insists that the man gets out to show him so he stands at the roadside performing his act Just then another car drives by and the driver turns to his wife saying Thank goodness I gave up the demon drink - just look how the fucking police test you these days

A guy sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife lost his children and lost his job He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it He takes out an empty bottle smashing it into the concrete wall swearing You are the reason I don t have a wife second bottle You are the reason I don t have my children third bottle You are the reason I lost my job He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer He takes the bottle puts it aside and says Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern furiously imbibing shots of whiskey One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him Lou says the shocked friend what are you doing? I`ve known you for over fifteen years and I`ve never seen you take a drink before What`s going on? Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass the man replies My wife just ran off with my best friend He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp But says the other man I`m your best friend The man turns to his friend looks at him through bloodshot eyes smiles and then slurs Not anymore He is

A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his drinking by himself Approaching his friend he commented You look awful What s wrong? My mother died in May and left me 25 00 000 the friend answered Boy that s tough the man replied Continuing the friend said Then in June my dad died leaving me 50 00 000 Gosh both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you re depressed said the man Last month my aunt died and left me 10 00 000 the friend added That s a lot to deal with Losing three close family members in three months is terrible replied the man Then this month continued the friend nothing Not even a single rupee

You are convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets Trying to gain control of the situation you continue to tell your room to stay still Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint Youd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position All day long your motto is Never again You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed Your natural response to Good morning is Shut up

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk I mean really really really drunk When the bar closed he got up to go home As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt then he picked her up and threw her into a wall By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn t move very much so then he stumbled over to her put his face right next to hers and said Not so strong tonight are you Batman?

A man leaves a bar gets into his car and drives away 200 yards further he’s stopped by a police officer Officer: Good evening sir We’re testing drivers for drunken driving Would you please blow into this machine? Man: I`m sorry I can’t do that I have asthma If I blow on that machine I will get out of air Officer: Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test Man: I can’t do that I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death Officer: Then you’ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line Man: Can’t do that either ?Officer: Why not? Man: Because I’m dead drunk

A guy walk into a bar and he orders a whiskey He sits down and just before he takes a sip of his whiskey a guy runs in and says Bill Your house burnt down So he runs outside but then he thinks I don t have a house So he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey Another guy runs in and says Bill Your dad died And so he runs out of the bar gets on his horse and rides a little ways but then thinks I don t have a dad So he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey when another guy runs in and says Bill You won the lottery So he runs out gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank but then thinks My name s not Bill

A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp He picked it up and rubbed it and out came a genie You have three wishes choose them wisely says the Genie The guy looking down at his last and empty bottle of beer smashes it on some rocks and says I want a beer that will never run out *Poof* A bottle appears in front of the guy He takes it looks at it and downs it He looks at it again and to his surprise it was still full The guy being very content starts walking away Where are you going asks the Genie You still have two wishes left Well replies the guy Give me TWO more of these

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet What s with that big brass gong? one of the guests asked It s not a gong It s a talking clock the drunk replied A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend Yup replied the drunk How s it work? the friend asked squinting at it Watch the drunk replied He picked up the mallet gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back The three stood looking at one another for a moment Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed You asshole It s three-fifteen in the morning