An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American who is chewing gum sits down beside him The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat The American asks :`Do you eat the bread entirely?` The Indian answers `Of course ` American : `We do not We only eat the inner part The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to India ` The Indian says nothing The American continues `Do you eat this jelly with the bread?` Indian : `Of course ` American : `We do not We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to India ` The Indian finally asks `And what do you do with the condoms after using them?` American : `We throw them away of course ` Indian : `We do not We keep them in containers process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States `

A Rajastani who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend He`d never seen a train or the tracks they run on While standing in the middle of the rail tracks one day he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee -- but doesn`t know what it is Predictably he`s hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks It was only a glancing blow so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal injuries a few broken bones and some bruises After weeks in the hospital recovering he`s at his friend`s house attending a party one evening While in the kitchen he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling He grabs a iron rod from the nearby shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal His friend hearing the ruckus rushes into the kitchen sees what`s happened and asks the desert man Why did you ruin my good tea kettle? The desert man replies Man you gotta kill these things when they`re small

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon goes inside and orders a drink He`s just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips when a guy comes running up to the door and yells Hey Joe Your house is burning The man leaps up runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks Hey I don`t have a house He goes back in and sits down and raises the glass to his lips again Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells Hey Joe Your dad has died So he leaps up runs out gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks Wait a minute my dad died years ago He goes back to the bar and sure enough he`s just about to take a sip of his whis- key when another guys runs up Joe Con- gratulations You`ve won the lottery There`s a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office The cowboy gets up leaps on the horse and starts flying towards the post office He almost gets there when he thinks Hey wait a minute My name ain`t Joe

A Frenchman an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe in a distant jungle The chief comes to them and says The bad news is that now that we`ve caught you we`re going to kill you and then use your skins to build a canoe The good news is that you get to choose how you die The Frenchman says I take ze poison The chief gives him some poison The Frenchman cries Vive la France quaffs the poison and diesThe Englishman says A pistol for me please The chief gives him a pistol The Englishman points it at his head says God save the queen and blows his brains out The New Yorker says Gimme a fork The chief is puzzled but he shrugs and gives him a fork The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach the sides the chest-- everywhere There`s blood gushing out all over it`s horrible The chief is appalled and screams What are you doing? The New Yorker looks at the chief and says So much for your canoe ya jerk

A black guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink Bartender says Sorry sir we don t serve your kind here There s another bar about ten minutes down the street So the black guy promptly leaves A short time later another black guy enters the bar and asks the bartender for a drink The bartender says Hey We don t serve your type here There s another bar about 10 minutes down the street that serves your type So the second black guy leaves and heads for the other bar A short time later Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink The bartender says Jesus Christ We don t serve your type here but there s another bar about 10 minutes down the street Ben Johnson can t believe what he s hearing and says to the bartender Do you know who the hell I am? I m Ben Johnson The bartender says Oh I am terribly sorry I didn t recognize you Then it should only take you about 5 minutes to get to the other ba

There was an Englishman an Indian and a Pakistani driving along when they rolled the car and the three of them got killed They went to Heaven and met St Peter at the Pearly Gates They explained that they d been killed and needed a place to stay St Peter replied I d love to help you boys but we re full up after the holiday season I m afraid you ll have to go into Limbo till there s a vacancy The Englishman slipped St Pete £50 and asked if that d make any difference St Peter said For that mate you can go back to Earth By the time the Englishman got back there were police everywhere and an ambulance They all got a real shock when he sat up What happened? You ve been dead for half and hour asked the ambulance driver He told them about St Peter and the £50 so the ambulance driver asked why the other two didn t come back Well says the Englishman the Indian is trying to bargain him down and the Pakistani reckons the government should pay for it

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish leaving a bayou well known for its fishing The game warden asked the man Do you have a license to catch those fish? The Cajun replied Naw ma fren I ain t got none of dem no Dese are my pet fish Pet fish? the warden replied Ya Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and I take dem home That s a bunch of hooey Fish can t do that The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said It s de truth ma fren I ll show you It really works O K I ve GOT to see this The game warden was curious now The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited After several minutes the game warden turned to him and said Well? Well what? said the Cajun When are you going to call them back? The game warden prompted Call who back? the Cajun asked The FISH What fish? the Cajun asked

Paddy was the most intelligent man in Ireland He was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa and he had won a million pounds on Who wants to be a Millionaire and was Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of Technology One day he was in the pub and his mates were telling him that he should appear on Mastermind the quiz where the most intelligent men on the planet show their superior brainpower So he filled in the forms and sure enough was called up and over to London he went to appear on the show The moment came when he was called up to the chair to be questioned Paddy what is your specialist subject? Irish History Paddy your minute starts now Who was the leader of the Irish Revolution? Pass In what year was the revolution? Pass How many men died during the Easter Revolution? Pass What was the name of the British informer who helped the rebels? Pass All of a sudden his friend stood up in the audience and roared Good man Paddy tell the fu**ing English nothing

God was in the process of creating the universe And he was explaining his subordinates Look everything should be in balance For every 10 deer`s there should be a lion Look here my fellow angels here is the country of the united states I have blessed them with prosperity and money But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension And here is Africa I have given them beautiful nature But at the same time I have given them climatic extremes And here is south America I have given them lots of forests But at the same time I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests So you see fellows everything should be in balance One of the angels asked God what is this beautiful country here? God said Aha that is the crown piece of all INDIA My most precious creation It has understanding and friendly people Sparkling streams serene mountains A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold The angel was quite surprised But God you said everything should be in balance God replied Look at the neighbors I gave them

Jewish Rules 1 Never take a front-row seat at a bris 2 If you can t say something nice say it in Yiddish 3 The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana 4 Always whisper the names of diseases 5 One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired 6 Never leave a restaurant empty-handed 7 The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended 8 A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight 9 Without Jewish mothers who would need therapy? 10 If you have to ask the price you can t afford it But if you can make sure you tell everybody what you paid 11 The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall 12 It s not who you know it s who you know that had a nose job 13 After the destruction of the Second Temple God created Loehmann s 14 WASPs leave and never say goodbye Jews say goodbye and never leave 15 If you don t eat it it will kill me 16 Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times 17 There comes a time in every man s life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an adult This usually happens at around age fourty five

A man dies and goes to hell There he finds that there is different hell for each country and decides he ll pick the least painful to spend his eternity He goes to American hell and asks What do they do here? He is told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour Then the American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on He checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many more He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in Amazed he asks What do they do here? He is told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour The Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in? asked the man Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work The nails were paid for but never supplied so the bed is comfortable to sleep on And the Indian devil used to be a civil servant so he comes in signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton and as he paid his bill said to the manager By the way what s with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He s been there ever since I arrived Oh that s Big Chief Forget-me Not said the manager The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life He is known as Big Chief Forget-me Not because of his phenomenal memory He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief s memory to the test G day mate said the Aussie receiving only a slight nod in return What did you have for brikfast on your 21st birthday? Eggs was the chief s instant reply without even looking up and indeed the Aussie was impressed He went off on his travel writing itinerary right across to the east coast and back telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not s great memory (One local noted to him that How was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than G day mate ) On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-me Not still sitting in the lobby fully occupied with whittling away on a stick How said the Aussie Scrambled said the Chief

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman went on a mountain-climbing expedition together Everything was going fine until one day while they were walking along a narrow ledge an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them As they stood there wondering what to do with the freezing night closing in there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared floating in front of them She raised her wand and declared that as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth she was to rescue them from their terrible plight Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain and would return to their normal form once they reached home She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be A swan he replied and a beautiful white swan replaced him Stepping off the ledge it spread its wings and flew off for England The fairy turned to the Scotsman who immediately and proudly chose a golden eagle which he became With a magnificent swoop he launched from the ledge and soared away glorying in the freedom of flight as he returned home The Irishman watched the two birds disappearing into the distance from the ledge as the fairy turned to him And what bird do you choose? she asked He thought and mused then said A penguin

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother (Ba) arrived from the US It was sent by one of the daughters The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin with no space left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters: Dear Chandrakantbhai Arvindbhai Neetaben and Varsha I am sending Ba s body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT Sorry I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed You will find inside the coffin under Ba s body cans of cheese 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you On Ba s feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha s and Lakshmi s sons Hope the sizes are correct Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts The large size is for Mohan Just distribute the rest among yourselves The 2 new Jeans that Ba is wearing are for the boys The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba s left wrist Shanta masi Ba is wearing the necklace earrings and ring that you asked for Please take them off her The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews Please distribute all these fairly Love Neeta PS: If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays

60 above - Floridians wear coats gloves and wooly hats Michigan people sunbathe 50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat Michigan people plant gardens 40 above - Italian cars won`t start Michigan people drive with the windows down 32 above - Distilled water freezes Lake Michigan`s water gets thicker 20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably Michigan people have the last cookout before it gets cold 15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat Michigan people throw on a sweatshirt degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico Michigan people throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt 20 below - People in Miami cease to exist Michigan people get out their winter coats 40 below - Hollywood disintegrates Michigan Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door 60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica Michigan`s Boy Scouts postpone Winter Survival classes until it gets cold enough 80 below - Mount St Helen`s freezes Michigan people rent some videos 100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole Michigan people get frustrated when they can`t thaw the keg 297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products Michigan cows complain of farmers with cold hands 460 below - ALL atomic motion stops Michigan people start saying Cold `nuff for ya?? 500 below - Hell freezes over The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl Keep Smiling It Makes the World A Brighter Place