Shayari Bazar

The Sikh regiment was climbing a hill in the Kargil sector during the war when suddenly from the direction of the summit the Pakistani regiment opened fire on them The Sikh regiment took cover behind boulders and started to return the firing The firing continued for a long time and no progress was made so the Sikh regiment’s captain thought that since the names of almost all the pakistani soldiers are like yusuf iqbal mustafa etc he’ll call out their names and the moment they react to the call we’ll shoot them So he started calling out- Yusuf four hands shot up and they were gunned down Then the captain called out- iqbal three hands shot up and they were gunned down this continued for a few more minutes till the Pakistani’s got wise and stopped responding The Pakistani captain then thought that at this rate all his men would be killed so he adopted the strategy of the Sikh captain and thought that all Sikhs have names rhyming with Inder like Sukhwinder Devender Jaswinder etc So the Pakistani captain started calling out Sukhwinder no hands shot up from the Indian side The Pakistani captain again called out- Sukhwinder still no hands shot up The Pakistani captain called out the same name twice again when instantly came the reply that- Oye Sukhwinder nu kaun yaad kar-riya si? (who is remembering Sukhwinder?) The Pakistani commander immediately shot up his hand and said- Main (me) and BANG he was shot dead

Mallu jokes are in town What is the tax on a Mallu s income called? Ingum Dax Where did the Malayali study? In the ko-liage Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today? He is very bissi Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket? To go to Thuubai zimbly to meet his ungle in Gelff Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff? To yearn meney What did the Malayali do when the plane caught fire? He zimbly jembd out of the vindow How does a Malayali spell moon? MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen What is Malayali management graduate called? Yem Bee Yae What does a Malayali do when he goes to America ? He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren What does a Malayali use to commute to office everyday? An Oto Where does he pray? In a Temble Charch and a Maask Who is Bruce Lee s best friend? A Malaya-Lee of coarse Name the only part of the werld where Malayalis dont werk hard? Kerala Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala? Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting folding and re-tying the lungi Why did Saddam Hussain attack Kuwait? He had a Mallu baby-sitter who always used to say KEEP QUWAIT KEEP QUWAIT What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line? Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders We Are Yevery Where Why aren t Mallus included in hockey and football teams? Coz Whenever they get a corner they set up a tea shop Now pass it on to 5 Mallus to get a free saamble of kokanet oil Pass it on 10 Mallus to get a free pack of Benana Chibbs

A Jew gets pulled over for speeding Jew: Is there a problem officer? Officer: Sir you were speeding Jew: Oh I see Officer: Can I see y our license please? Jew: I would give it to you but I don t have one Officer: Don t have one? Jew: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving Officer: I see Can I see your vehicle registration papers please Jew: I can t do that Officer: Why not? Jew: I stole this car Officer: Stole it? Jew: Yes and I killed the owner Officer: You what? Jew: Killed the owner I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail The Officer looks at the Jew and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up Within minutes five police cars circle the car A senior officer slowly approaches the car clasping his half drawn gun Senior Officer: Sir could you step out of your vehicle please The Jew steps out of the vehicle Jew: Is there a problem sir? Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner Jew: Killed the owner? Senior Officer: Is this your car sir? Jew: Yes here are the registration papers The officer is quite stunned Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don t have a driving license The Jew digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer The officer examines the license He looks quite puzzled Senior Officer: Thank you sir one of my officers told me you didn t have a license that you stole this car and that you killed the owner Jew: Bet the liar told you I was speeding too

There once was a husband and wife couple who trying as hard as they could were unable to produce little children After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem they were still unsatisfied Finally they consulted their family priest My children the priest began The Lord will listen to your prayers and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly In fact I am planning a stay in Rome and while I am visiting the Vatican I will light a candle for you Thank you Father thank you said the couple Before leaving the priest turned and said I am sure everything will work out just fine for you My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15 years But when I return I will be sure to pay you a visit And so 15 years came and went and the priest returned to the States While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his council years previously he rang the doorbell Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered he entered the house More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom In the midst of all the chaos stood the wife My dear the priest said your prayers have been answered And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle He just left for Rome she said in a very desperate tone Rome? Why did he go to Rome? asked the priest She hesitated sobbed and finally blurted out To blow out that candle you lit

By the time you read through this you will understand TANJOOBERRYMUTTS and then you will be ready to take on China Believe me you WILL understand The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest room-service in China Room Service: Morrin Roon sirbees Guest: Sorry I thought I dialed room-service Room Service: Rye Roon sirbees morrin Joowish to oddor sunteen? Guest: Uh Yes I d like to order bacon eggs Room Service: Ow ulai den? Guest: What?? Room Service: Ow ulai den? ? Pryed boyud pochd? Guest: Oh the eggs How do I like them? Sorry Scrambled please Room Service: Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse? Guest: Crisp will be fine Room Service: Hokay An sahn toes? Guest: What? Room Service: An toes ulai sahn toes? Guest: I Don t think so RoomService: No? Udo wan sahn toes??? Guest: I feel really bad about this but I don t know what udo wan sahn toes means RoomService: Toes Toes Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow anglish moppin we botter? Guest: Oh English muffin I ve got it You were saying toast Fine Yes an English muffin will be fine RoomService: We botter? Guest: No just put the botter on the side RoomService: Wad? ? Guest: I mean butter Just put the butter on the side RoomService: Copy? Guest: Excuse me? RoomService: Copy tea meel? Guest: Yes Coffee please And that s everything RoomService: One Minnie Scramah egg creepse bayken Anglish moppin we botter on sigh copy Rye ?? Guest: Whatever you say RoomService: Tanjooberrymutts Guest: You re welcome Remember I did say By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND TANJOOBERRYMUTTS And you do now don t you

There were two friends One Hindu Pawan and the other Muslim Javed They were heavy boozers Not a day passed without their meeting which resulted in ending up at a bar Everyone was fed up with their drinking habit Even they were keen to stop drinking But the urge to drink always got the better of them Once they met in the morning Being sober they discuss their problem and came up with a solution The Hindu says that it would be equal to eating the holy cow and similarly the Muslim says that drinking whisky would be equal to eating a pig for him After their daily chores their natural instinct made them meet outside the bar They are happy to see each other but they remind each other of their holy vow They couldn`t stand outside for long and suggest that it is unholy for them to drink but they could always sit in the bar Thus they go inside and sat on their favourite table They further decide that they could always order a drink each and not drink it as it would look rude sitting in the bar and not ordering something So they ended up with a glass each in front of them Pointing to the glass in front of him Pawan says that drinking from the glass in front of him is equal to eating beef for him And Javed points that drinking from the glass in front of him is equal to eating ham for him Their craving was getting the better of them They could not control the urges And suddenly Pawan says that Javed You can eat beef and I can eat ham let`s change glasses and drink No sooner this was mentioned they gulp their glasses and had a good evening full of booze Moral: Religion does not come between the drunk and the drink

A Chinese decides to retire and move to USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai He bought a home on a small piece of land A few days after moving in The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens Not wanting to interrupt these Chinese customs he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day The next day he decides to try again but just as he is about to knock on the front door he looks through the window and sees the Chinese urinate into a glass and then drink it Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day A day later he decides to give it one last go but on his way next door he sees the Chinese leading a bull down the drive-way pause and then put his left ear next to the bull s butt The American bloke can t handle this so he goes up to the Chinese and says Jeez Mate what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood and see you running around the yard after hens The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that bull s butt it could just about shit on you The Chinaman is very taken back and says Sorry sir you no understand these no Chinese customs I doing these American Customs What do you mean says the neighbor Those aren t American customs Yes they are man at travel agent tell me replied the Chinese He say to become true American I must learn to chase chicks get piss drunk and listen to bull-shit

The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said I have to talk to you We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems They re swinging on the pearly gates my horn is missing they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes they are riding Mercedes and BMWs instead of the chariots and they re selling their halos to people for discounted prices They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear or clean since they keep crouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea) Some of them are even walking around with just one wing They do not believe in discipline and push their way through the line The Lord said Indians are Indians Heaven is home to all my children If you want to know about real problems give Satan a call Satan answered the phone Hello? Damn hold on a minute Satan returned to the phone OK I m back What can I do for you? Gabriel replied I just wanted to know what kind of problems you re having down there Satan says Hold on again I need to check on something After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said I m back Now what was the question? Gabriel said What kind of problems are you having down there? Satan says Man I don t believe this Hold on This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes He returned and said I m sorry Gabriel I can t talk right now These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire which is there to keep them uncomfortably hot Since they are so tech savvy they were trying to start a telephone and IT connection between heaven and hell between ME and GOD They have started a social network service for the troubled and believe in Karma and are good in convincing others Some were trying to start a chai - pakora Chole batura channa Dosa and samosa barfi Chakli and Dokla shop which I had to stop Many have no trouble living in dirt as they are so used to it down on earth We have shortage of toilets to make them uncomfortable as this is Hell but they have no problems in doing everything outside in open They are excellent in corrupting everyone and my staffs are being bribed by them and I have difficulty in controlling the graft and corruption in Hell They never complain as this place seems to be better from where they came I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them I am therefore requesting you OH LORD PLEASE send them back to earth as soon as they arrive for re-birth So this is why Indians are the only ones that are re-born

A is for Apish (Office) This is where the average Kolkatan goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work If he is in the Government he will arrive at 10 wipe his forehead till 11 have a tea break at 12 throw around a few files at 12 30 break for lunch at 1 smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2 break for tea at 3 sleep sitting down at 4 and go home at 5 It s a hard life B is for Bhijon (As in teli-bhijon) For some reason most of the Bengalis don t have good bhijon In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time The effects of this show in the city C is for Chappell This is the Bengali word for the Devil for the worst form of evil In the night mothers put their kids to sleep saying go to bed or Chappell will come and take you away D is for Debashish By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish So you have a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb Debu Deba with variations like Debnath and Deboprotim thrown in E is for Eeesh This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas It is estimated that on an average a Bengali uses eeesh 10 089 times every year (That s counting eeesh and other eeesh-ish words) F is for Feesh These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis Despite the fact that a fish market has such strong smells with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right If not he will say eeesh what feeesh is theeesh G is for Good name Every Bengali Boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Shontuda Chonti and Dinku While every Bengali Girl will be Paromita or Protima as well as Shampa Champa and Buri Basically your nickname is there to kill your good name H is for Harmonium The Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles I is for lleesh This is a feeesh with 10 000 bones which would kill any ordinary person but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh J is for Jhola No self respecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in Even as you read this there are 2 million jholas bobbling around Kolkata- and they all look exactly the same K is for Kee Kando It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando s agent is trying to hire Bipasha Basu) L is for Lungi People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt Everest M is for Minibus These are dangerous half buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of Formula 1 race drivers N is for Nangtoe This is the Bengali word for Naked It is the most interesting naked word in any language O is for Oil The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose) to earache (oil in the ear) to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where ) P is for Phootball This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkattan Every Bengali is born an expert in this game The two biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop Q is for Queen This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or Kolkata but it s the only Q word I could think of at this moment There s also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata R is for Robi Thakur Many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize This allows everyone in Kolkata to frame their acceptance speeches and walk with their head held high and look down at Delhi and Mumbai S is for Sardarjee whom Bengalis are very envious of because he is born with a semi-monkey cap on T is for Trams Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata Of course if you are in a hurry it s faster to walk U is for Ambrela When a Bengali baby is born they are handed one V is for Violence Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around When an accident happens they will shout and scream and curse and abuse but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979 W is for Water For three months of the year the city is under water and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this X is for X mas It s very big in Kolkata with Park Street fully lit up Y is for Yastarday Which is always better than today for a Bengali Z is for Jeebra Joo Jip and Jylophone