Billy and Joe were talking one afternoon Billy tells Joe You know I reckon I m bout ready for a vacation He continues Only this year I m gonna do it a little different The last few years I took your advice about where to go Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii I went to Hawaii and Eva got pregnant Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas and Eva got pregnant again Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Eva didn t get pregnant again Joe asks Billy So what you gonna do this year that s different? Billy says This year I m taking Eva with me

After a busy day commuters settled down on their train trip home when a chap hauled out his mobile and loudly started up: Hi darling it s John I m on the train - yes I know it s 7 00 and not 5 00 but I had a long meeting - no not with that floozie from the typing pool with the boss no darling you re the only one in my life - yes I m sure cross my heart etc etc etc etc etc blah blah blah When this went on more than 15 minutes a young woman sitting opposite him driven beyond endurance yelled at the top of her voice Hey John Turn off that phone and come back to bed

Bob was in trouble He forgot his wedding anniversary His wife was really pissed She told him Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE The next morning he got up early and left for work When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway Confused the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway brought the box back in the house She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale Bob has been missing since Wednesday

This 60-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting When she went before the judge he asked her What did you steal? She replied A can of peaches The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can She replied 6 The judge said I will give you 6 days in jail Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something The judge said What is it? The husband said She also stole a can of peas

The Jealous husband: My wife where are you? Wife: At home love Husband: Are you sure? Wife: Yes Husband : Turn on the blender Wife: (turns blender on) Rrrreeereeeereeee Husband: Ok my love goodbye Another day Jealous husband: My wife where are you? Wife: At home love Husband: Are you sure? Wife: Yes Husband: Turn on the blender Wife: (turns blender on) Rrreeereeeereeee Husband: Ok my love goodbye The next day the husband decides to go home without notice and finds his son alone and he asked him Son where is your mother? Son: I do not know she went out with blende

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies Suddenly at 3 o clock in the morning a loud noise came from outside The woman bewildered jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man Holy crap That must be my husband So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window He smashed himself on the ground ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman I AM your husband The woman yelled back Yeah then why were you running? And then the fight started

Bob was in trouble He forgot his wedding anniversary His wife was really pissed She told him “Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE ” The next morning he got up early and left for work When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway Confused the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway brought the box back in the house She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale Bob has been missing since Friday

Not long after his marriage Joe and his father met for lunch Well son asked the father how is married life treating you? Not very well I m afraid sighed Joe It seems I married a nun A nun? his father questioned That s right moaned Joe None in the morning none at night and none at all unless I beg Joe s father nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times Why don t we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk? Joe smiled Say Dad that s a great idea Fine replied the father I ll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates

This 89 year old woman was arrested for lifting When she went before the judge he asked her What did you steal? She replied Can of peaches The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can She replied 6 The judge said Then I will give you 6 days in jail Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something on his wife s behalf The judge said What is it? The husband said She also stole a can of peas

A young newly wed couple just moved into their first apartment The wife had a hurry call and ran into the bathroom and plopped down on the toilet You guessed it the seat was up She got hopelessly wedged in the bowl and screamed for help from new Hubby He ran in and tried in vain to pull her out He said I ll have to call a plumber She said You can t let the plumber see me like this So Hubby finds an old hat and puts it on her lap The plumber arrives and surveys the situation He turns to the husband and says I think I can get her out but I think that other poor bastard drowned

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side His eyes fluttered open and he said You are gorgeous Then he fell asleep again His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said You are beautiful Then he fell asleep again After a few minutes he again opened his eyes and said You are cute The wife was disappointed because instead of gorgeous or beautiful it was now just Cute She said What happened to gorgeous beautiful ? Her husband replied The drugs are wearing off

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid She thought of a plan to take him by surprise One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid’s room switched off all the lights and in pitch darkness slipped into the bed Sure enough at midnight there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid’s bed beside her… After a few passionate kisses the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked “Surprised?” “I sure am ma’am ” stammered the chauffeu

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around so he decides to go to a Psychiatrist The Psychiatrist gives him a booklet on assertive training He reads it on the way home When he walks through the door his wife comes to greet him He tells her From now on I m the man of this home and my word is law When I come home from work I want dinner on the table Now get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because I m going out with the guys tonight Then draw my bath When I get out of the tub guess who s going to dress me and comb my hair? The undertaker she replies

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land needed to rid his farm of animals So he went to every house in his town To the houses where the man is the boss he gave a horse To the houses where the woman is the boss a chicken was given He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening Who s the boss around here? he asked I am said the man I have a black horse and a brown horse the farmer said which one would you like? The man thought for a minute and said The black one No no no get the brown one the man s wife said Here s your chicken said the farme

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart What do you think you re doing? asks the wife They re on sale only 10 for 24 cans he replies Put them back we can t afford them demands the wife and so they carry on shopping A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a 20 jar of face cream and put it in the basket What do you think you re doing? asks the husband It’s my face cream It makes me look beautiful replies the wife Her husband retorts So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it s half the price