An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts His wife is disgusted and screams at him Don`t fart Husband says Shut your mouth A few minutes later he farts again She screams Please stop farting Again he says Just shut your mouth She is really pissed off and finally she asks him How come when I ask you to stop farting you never listen you just tell me to shut my mouth??? Well says the husband I didn`t want to have to tell you but your breath is what really stinks

A woman in her fifties is at home NAKED happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight Her husband watches her for a while and asks Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What s the matter with you? The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says I don t care what you think I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old The husband replies What did he say about your 55-year old ass? Your name never came up she replied

Two men are playing golf one day As they are about to start one of the holes a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course One of the golfers Harry takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest and waits for the entire procession to go by He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off Gee Harry that was a very nice gesture on your part It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that his friend says Well Harry replies I was married to her for 30 years it was the least I could do

A man is out walking his dog one day when it slips the leash and runs away As the man is chasing him down the street the dog runs into a yard and bites the lady that lives there The woman rushes into the house and sends her husband out to deal with the man and his dog The dog owner is beside himself with worry as the husband approaches and says Sir how about a settlement Would one thousand rupees do? The husband pauses for a moment and replies Sure and if you come around next week it s worth another one thousand

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife The psychic went into a trance A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room and suddenly the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife Honey he cried Is that you? Yes my husband Are you happy? Yes my husband Happier than you were with me? Yes my husband Then Heaven must be an amazing place I m not in Heaven dea

A man was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared Gentlemen I will tell you the secret of my success he cackled I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime Well you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago On our wedding night we made a solemn pledge Whenever we had a fight the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket They hear a faint moan They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive She lives for ten more years and then dies A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket As they are walking the husband cries out Watch out for the fucking wall

When Bob s wife ran away with his car his money and his best friend he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist Bob told the psychiatrist his troubles and said Life isn t worth living I think I m going to top myself Don t be stupid Bob said the psychiatrist My wife ran off and left me too yet I m happy How? asked Bob Easy replied the quack I threw myself into my work I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her By the way Bob what work do you do? I clean out septic tanks Bob replied

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday It didn t matter what kind of weather it was he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn t golf that day and went back home His wife was still in bed when he got there so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife s backside and said Terrible weather out there She replied Yeah and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing

A woman went shopping at cash counter she opened her purse to pay The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse He couldn t control his curiosity and asked Do you always carry your TV remote with you? She replied No not always but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today so The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that the lady had purchased Shocked at this act she asks the shopkeeper What are you doing? He said Your husband has blocked your credit card MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband

In a dark and hazy room peering into a crystal ball the Mystic delivered grave news: There s no easy way to tell you this so I ll just be blunt Prepare yourself to be a widow Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year Visibly shaken Laura stared at the woman s lined face then at the single flickering candle then down at her hands She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing She simply had to know She met the Fortune Teller s gaze steadied her voice and asked Will I be acquitted?

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones The wife being a romantic at heart decided one day that she d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend She texted: If you are sleeping send me your dreams If you are laughing send me your smile If you are eating send me a bite If you are drinking send me a sip If you are crying send me your tears I love you The husband being a no-nonsense sort of guy texted back: I m on the toilet Please advise

A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the housemaid She thought of a plan to take him by surprise One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid s room switched off all the lights and in pitch darkness slipped into the bed Sure enough at midnight there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid s bed beside her After a few passionate kisses the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked Surprised? I sure am ma am stammered the chauffeu

Enough about Wives now something for Husbands A new metal is added to chemistry: Name: Husband Symbol: Hb Atomic Weight: -Light when first found -tends to get heavier over the years with time Physical Properties: Boils at any time with inlaws Can freeze in front of his own family Melts if sees other women Very Bitter if questioned Chemical Properties: Very Reactive Highly Unstable Possess Strong resistance to Gold Silver Diamond Platinum Credit cards Cheque books Money saving Agent Occurrence: Mostly found in front of the TV

A woman went shopping At cash counter she opened her purse to pay The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse He couldn t control his curiosity and asked Do you always carry your TV remote with you? She replied No not always but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today The story continues The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased Shocked at this act she asks the shopkeeper What are you doing? He said your husband has blocked your credit card MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband