A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup He hasn`t been feeling well and wants to find out if he`s ill After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination I`m afraid I have some bad news You`re dying and you don`t have much time the doctor says Oh no that`s terrible How long have I got? the man ask 10 says the doctor 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What? he asks desperately 10 9 8 7

When Joe`s wife ran away with his car his money and his best friend he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said Life just isn`t worth living anymore Don`t be stupid Joe said the psychiatrist Let your work be your salvation I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work Now what do you do for a living? I clean out septic tanks Joe replied

Harris an 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said You re really doing great aren t you? Harris replied: Just doing what you said Doc Get a hot mamma and be cheerful The doctor said: I didn t say that I said You ve got a heart murmur - be careful

A man phoned his doctor very late at night saying his wife appeared to have Appendicitis That s impossible the physician replied peeved at being woken up after midnight She had an appendectomy last year Don t be stupid Only a moron like you would wake me up for something this idiotic Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix? No you are the moron the husband replied Haven t you ever seen anybody with a second wife?

A lady went to a doctor to complain about a pain in her side He informed her she was suffering from appendicitis and must undergo an operation Not quite trusting the doctor she went to another physician for a second opinion This time the doctor said her gall bladder has to be removed Feeling horrified at the diagnosis the woman told her friend: I m returning to my first doctor I d rather have appendicitis than gall bladder removed

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra The pharmacist said That s no problem How many do you want? The old gentleman answered Just a few maybe 4 but please cut each one into 4 pieces The pharmacist said That won t do you any good The elderly gentleman said That s all right I don t need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old I just want it to stick out far enough so I don t pee on my shoes

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem As she removed her last bit of clothing she blushed I m so ashamed Doctor she said I guess I let myself go The physician was checking hers eyes and ears Don t feel ashamed Miss You don t look that bad Do you really think so Doctor? she asked The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said Of course Now just open your mouth and say moo

A construction worker tells his doctor I’m constipated The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says Lean over the table After he does so the doctor whacks him on his ass with a baseball bat A loud CRACK is heard and the doctor sends the man to the bathroom After coming out of the bathroom the construction worker says I feel great What should I do to prevent constipation in the future? The doctor says Stop wiping your butt with cement bags

A woman called up the hospital and said I want to know if the patient Rita Brown in Room No 1438 is getting better The RMO replied She is doing very well She had her first solid meal today her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days The woman said Thank God That s wonderful news RMO: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend Woman: No I am Rita Brown No one tells me anything

A man walks into his doctors office and is sitting in the waiting room waiting his turn to be seen by his doctor A casual aquaintance sits down next to him and sturring asks W w wahat are y y you d d doing hhhere? The man replies I`m waiting to see the doctor W w why d do yyyou wwant to sssee him? The man replies Well if you must know I have a prostate problem A ppprostate pppproblem wwwhat`s ttthhat? the man asks Well if you must know I pee like you talk

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate rendezvous in the dental clinic after hours But one day he said sadly Laura honey we have to stop seeing each other Your husband s bound to get suspicious No way sweetie he s dumb as a post she assured him Besides we ve been meeting here for six months now and he doesn t suspect a thing True agreed the dentist but you re down to one tooth

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was war The first person comes up onto the stage and says I m an atomic bomb He gets his applause and steps down The second person comes up and says I m a hydrogen bomb Again there s applause and he steps down And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says I m dynamite Everybody runs away hysterically When one of them is asked why he says Didn t you see how small his fuse was?

A man walks into his doctor s office and sits down in the waiting room While he is waiting his turn to be seen a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him The newcomer asks W w what are yyy you ddd doing here? The man replies I am waiting to see the doctor W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim? The man replies Well if you must know I have a prostate problem A pp prostate ppp problem wwhat s ttthat? Well if you must know I pee like you talk

At the hospital there was a man laying in the emergency room the doctor opened the door and walked toward the man Man said `Will I be ok Doctor? The doctor turned to him and said Well there is good and bad news Tell me the bad news said the man Well said the doctor the bad news is that we are going to cut both your legs off Oh my god said the man What the hell is the good news? The good news is said the doctor see that man over there he wants to buy your shoes

A young woman wasn t feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician I know a great one in the city but he is very expensive Five hundred dollars for the first visit and one hundred dollars for each one after that The woman went to the doctor s office and trying to save a little money cheerily announced I m back Not fooled for a second the doctor quickly examined her and said Very good just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit