A man lost both ears in an accident No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution He heard of a very good one in Sweden and went to him The new surgeon examined him thought a while and said Yes I can put you right After the operation bandages off stitches out he goes to his hotel The morning after in a rage he calls his surgeon and yells You bastard you gave me a woman s ears Well an ear is an ear it makes no difference whether it is a man s or a woman s You re wrong I hear everything but I don t understand a thing

A doctor had just delivered twins They were a boy and a girl The head nurse brought them out for their father to see He could hardly believe his good fortune The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said You can t touch those babies You aren t sterile With out missing a beat he retorted You re telling me

A peculiarly scary thing was happening in a hospital s ICU Every Sunday with unfailing regularity patients on bed number 5 died at 11 AM This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural To investigate the cause of such bizarre incidents the doctors and nurses decide to keep strict vigilance A few minutes before 11 AM the part time Sunday sweeper arrived Whistling cheerfully he unplugged the life support system of bed nnumber 5 and put the plug of his vacuum cleaner in it place

A man went to the doctor and complained that he had the most terrible constipation The doctor examined him and then gave him a prescription for some tablets to be taken last thing at night Two weeks later the patient returned for a check-up and the doctor asked him how his constipation was The doctor was rather surprised when the man gloomily answered that the pills worked fine and that he went every morning at 7 30 So why the long face? asked the doctor Because I don’t get up until 8 o’clock replied the patient

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache Since his operation had been an intestinal one there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache Finally his nurse fearing that the man might be suffering from some post operation shock spoke to the young surgeon in training about it Don`t worry about a thing nurse the young doctor assured her He really does have a bump on his head About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic

A doctor had just delivered twins They were a boy and a girl The head nurse brought them out for their father to see He could hardly believe his good fortune The girl baby had a pink blanket wrapped around her and the boy baby was enclosed in a blue blanket He took one step forward just so he could touch the babies and believe they had finally arrived As he started to touch them the nurse took a step backwards and said You can t touch those babies You aren t sterile With out missing a beat he retorted You re telling ME I m not sterile?

A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled He gave the nurse a very large needle instructing her to jab it hard into the patient s butt when the signal was given so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction It all happened in an instant The nurse patient and pliers were in place The signal was given and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth Afterwards the dentist asked Hurt much? The patient hesitated Didn t hardly feel it come out And man those roots were really deep

Jimmy went to a psychiatrist Doc he said I ve got trouble Every time I get into bed I think there s somebody under it I m going crazy Just put yourself in my hands for one year said the shrink Come to me three times a week and I ll cure your fears How much do you charge? A hundred dollars per visit I ll sleep on it said Jimmy Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street Why didn t you ever come to see me again? asked the psychiatrist For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 Is that so How? He told me to cut the legs off the bed Ain t nobody under there now

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other Fred how was the memory clinic you went to last month? Outstanding Fred replied They Augustht us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization association etc It was great That is great And what was the name of the clinic? Fred went blank He thought and thought but could not remember Then a smile broke across his face and he asked What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns? You mean a rose? Yes that`s it He turned to his wife Rose what was the name of that memory clinic?

Early one morning John who works at the local funeral parlour woke his wife complaining of severe abdominal pains They rushed to the emergency room at the local hospital where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain John told his wife not to call in sick for him until they knew what was wrong When the results came back the nurse informed them that true to their suspicions he was suffering from a kidney stone John`s wife turned to John and asked Would you like me to call the funeral parlour now? With an alarmed look the nurse quickly said Ma`am he`s not THAT sick

4 surgeons sat around discussing their favourite patients type 1st surgeon says I like operating on librarians When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order 2nd surgeon says I like operating on accountants When you open them up everything is in numerical order 3rd surgeon says I like operating on electricians When you open them up everything is color coded The 4th surgeon says I like operating on politicians The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief The 4th surgeon continues Because they re heartless gutless spineless and the butts and brains are interchangeable

Three doctors went duck hunting and a bird flew overhead The general practitioner looked at it and said Looks like a duck flies like a duck it s probably a duck and he took a shot at it but missed and the bird flew away When the next bird came into view the pathologist looked at it then through the pages of a bird manual and said Hummmm white wings yellow bill quacking sound might be a duck and by the time he raised this gun to shoot the bird was long gone The surgeon raised his gun and shot down a third bird almost without looking then turned to the pathologist and said Go see if that was a duck

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies and decides to give them a few basics before starting You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear At this point the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man`s anus and then licks it He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them After a couple of minutes silence they follow suit The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse`s anus but I licked my index

A Blonde brought her baby in to see the doctor and right away he determined that baby had an ear ache Doctor wrote a prescription for ear drops In the directions he wrote Put two drops in right ear every four hours and he abbreviated right as an R with a circle around it Several days passed and the woman returned with her baby complaining that the baby still had an earache and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: Put two drops in R ear every four hours

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says Doctor I have this problem with gas but it really doesn t bother me too much My farts never smell and are always silent As a matter of fact I ve farted at least 20 times since I ve been here in your office You didn t know I was farting because they don t smell and are silent The doctor says I see take these pills and come back to see me next week The next week the lady comes back Doctor she says I don t know what the heck you gave me but now my farts although still silent stink terribly The doctor says Good Now that we ve cleared up your sinuses let s work on your hearing