A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix The doctors operated and advised him that all was well However the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn t told him about he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape the kind that doesn t come off easily Written in large black letters was the sentence Get well quick from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix The doctors operated and advised him that all was well However the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn t told him about he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable Taped very firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape the kind that doesn t come off easily Written in large black letters was the sentence Get well quick from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week

A guy walks into the vet`s office with a hamster He lays the hamster on the table and the doctor says I`m sorry sir but your hamster is dead I want a second opinion the man demands So the doctor brings in a cat The cat walks around the hamster sniffs him and shakes its head Well the cat says your hamster is dead says the doctor Well I want a third opinion So the doctor brings in a Labrador retriever The lab walks around the hamster sniffs him and shakes its head The lab says your hamster is dead OK fine What do I owe you? 650 the doctor said What? ? What for? Well you owe me 50 but the other 600 is for the cat scan and the lab test

Two psychiatrists were at a convention As they conversed over a drink one asked What was your most difficult case? The other replied I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney He never went out he never did anything he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle I worked with this man eight years What was the result? the first doctor asked It was an eight year struggle Every day for eight years but I finally cured him and then that stupid letter arrived

A patient suffering from a nasty cold visited Dr D Costa and said groaning Doctor can you cure my terrible cold? It has made things hell for me for the last four or five days Having never read about any confirmed cure for common cold the young over-zealous doctor advised after much initial hesitation You may do one thing Take a hot bath and stand beneath a fan Stand beneath a fan perplexed by the strange instruction the patient asked Will your method cure me doctor? I can’t say so for sure replied Dr D Costa with his spectacles resting on his nose but if you do as directed you are certain to get pneumonia which I can cure for sure

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: It makes you feel young again John looks at Sylvester and says We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex-Lax They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive About one mile later Sylvester asks Well John do you feel young yet? No replies John So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road A couple of miles later Sylvester asks John do you feel younger? No replies John but I sure did a childish thing

A man went into the proctologist s office for his first exam The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor s desk 1 A tube of K-Y jelly 2 A rubber glove 3 A beer When the doctor finally came in the man said Look Doc I m a little confused This is my first exam I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for but can you tell me what the BEER is for? The doctor curses in exasperation flung open the door and yelled Nurse I said to bring me a butt light

A man went into the proctologist s office for his first exam The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor s desk 1 A tube of K-Y jelly 2 A rubber glove 3 A beer When the doctor finally came in the man said Look Doc I m a little confused This is my first exam I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for but can you tell me what the BEER is for? The doctor curses in exasperation flung open the door and yelled Nurse I said to bring me a butt light

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer I can t do that officer Why not? Because I m an asthmatic I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube Okay we ll just get a urine sample down at the station Can t do that either officer Why not? Because I m a diabetic I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup Alright we could get a blood sample Can t do that either officer Why not? Because I m a hemophiliac If I give blood I could die Fine then just walk this white line Can t do that either officer Why not? Because I m too drunk to do that

Shakey went to a psychiatrist Doc he said I ve got a trouble Every time I get into bed I think there`s somebody under it I get under the bed; I think there`s somebody on top of it Top under top under you got to help me I`m going crazy Just put yourself in my hands for two years said the shrink Come to me three times a week and I`ll cure your fears How much do you charge? A hundred dollars per visit I`ll sleep on it said Shakey Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street Why didn`t you ever come to see me again? asked the psychiatrist For a hundred buck`s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars Is that so How? He told me to cut the legs off the bed

Old Dr Carver still made house calls One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house Mrs Tuttle was in terrible pain The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he`d gone in and asked Mr Tuttle Do you have a hammer? A puzzled Mr Tuttle went to the garage and returned with a hammer The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom A moment later he came out and asked Do you have a chisel? Mr Tuttle complied with the request In the next ten minutes Dr Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw The last request got to Mr Tuttle He asked What are you doing to my wife? Not a thing replied old doc Carver I can`t get my instrument bag open

A girl was too vain to wear glasses but she always managed to conceal completely the fact that she was very very shortsighted In due course she got married and went off with her husband on their honeymoon When she got back her mother shrieked and ran to the telephone She called on oculist Doctor come over here right away It`s an emergency My daughter has always refused to wear glasses and now she`s back from her honeymoon and - The doctor interrupted her Madam please calm yourself Ask your daughter to come to see me No matter how bad her eyes are it can`t be that much of an emergency Oh no? screamed the mother Well this fellow she`s got with her isn`t the one she went on honeymoon with

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can`t hear him How bad is it? the doctor asks I have no idea says the husband Well please test her Stand 20 feet away from her and say something If she doesn`t hear you get closer and say the same thing Keep moving closer repeating the comment until she does hear you That way we`ll have an idea of her range of hearing loss So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner From 20 feet: What are we having for dinner? No answer From 10 feet same thing From 5 feet same thing Finally he`s standing right behind her What`s for dinner? She turns around looks at him and says For the FOURTH time BEEF STEW

A Guy goes into a proctologist s office for his first exam The doctor told him to have a seat In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table A tube of K-Y jelly; A rubber glove; and A beer When the doctor finally came in the man said Look Doc I m a little confused This is my first exam I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for but can you tell me what the BEER is for? At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse Dammit Helen I said a BUTT LIGHT

A man told his doctor I don`t think my wife`s hearing is as good as it used to be What should I do? The doctor replied Try this test first When your wife is at the sink doing dishes stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question If she doesn`t respond keep moving closer asking the same question until she hears you He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner Standing fifteen feet behind her he said What`s for dinner honey? Hearing no reply he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question Still no reply so he moved to five feet Still no answer Finally he stood directly behind her and said Honey what`s for dinner tonight? FOR THE FOURTH TIME I SAID CHICKEN You`d better get your hearing checked