A Doctor gets taken short up in the middle of the night and finds his toilet is completely blocked He says to his wife I m going to have to call a plumber The wife replies You can t call a plumber out at three in the morning He says Of course I can I have to go out on night-time calls if a patient needs me Anyway he rings a plumber who complains bitterly about having to come out in the middle of the night The Doctor says the same thing I have to come out on late-night calls to see patients why shouldn t you? At about 3 30AM the plumber arrives very bleary-eyed and the Doctor shows him to the blocked toilet The plumber drops two tablets down the pan and says to the Doctor If there s no change call me in the morning

A young woman arrived to her doctor with black and blue signs of beating Doctor What happened? Woman Doctor I do not know what to do whenever my husband comes home drunk he beats the hell out of me almost killing me Doctor I have a really good medication for it When your husband comes home drunk you just take a glass of Green tea and start to gargle and gargle as much as you can do and that s all you have to do Two weeks later the woman returns to the doctor reborn and with a grateful look in her eyes Woman Doctor that was a brilliant medicine Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled and gargled with Green tea and nothing happened He Has gone straight to bed Doctor You see how it helps to keep your mouth shut?

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game For weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands When the day of the game arrived everything seemed to be going well As the national anthem started the doctor yelled ``Up nuts `` And the inmates complied by standing up After the anthem he yelled ``Down nuts `` And they all sat After a home run he yelled ``Cheer nuts `` And they all broke into applause and cheers Thinking things were going very well he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog leaving his assistant in charge When he returned there was a riot in progress Finding his assistant he asked what happened The assistant replied ``Well everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled ``PEANUTS ``

A mental hospital was critically overcrowded The doctor decides to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching a clawing at the door and the handle The doctors were disappointed until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he watched his fellow patients Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today the doctors asked him why he wasn t trying to open the door The patient who could no longer contain his laughter shouted I ve got the key

Joe goes to consult a world famous specialist about his medical problem After the visit Joe asks How much do I owe you? My fee is five hundred dollars replies the physician Five hundred dollars? That s impossible No one charges that much In your case the doctor replies I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous Well then could you afford two hundred? Who has that kind of money? Do you think I m Bill Gates ? Look replies the doctor growing irritated Just give me fifty bucks and get out I can give you twenty says Joe Take it or leave it I don t understand you says the doctor Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money? Listen Doctor says Joe When it comes to my health nothing is too expensive

Mr Jacobs the analyst said I think this will be your last visit Does that mean I m cured? he asked For all practical purposes yes she said I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control You haven t stolen anything in two years and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from Well that s terrific Doctor Before I go I d like to tell you something Although our relationship is strictly professional it s been one of the most rewarding of my life I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me You ve paid my fee the doctor said That s the only responsibility you have I know Jacobs said But isn t there some personal favor I could do for you? Well the doctor said I ll tell you what If you ever suffer a relapse my son could use a nice portable color television

Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment One day an elderly lady slowly struggles into his waiting room She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick A chair is found for her Eventually her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office 15 minutes later to everyone’s surprise she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face A woman in the waiting room says It s unbelievable a miracle even You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect What a fantastic doctor he is Tell me what did Doctor Simon do to you? Miracle shmiracle he just gave me a longer walking stick

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products At the first stop he`s shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold explains the guide The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple Later the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured The machine makes a noise: `Hiss Hiss Hiss Hiss-pop ` Wait a minute says the man taking the tour I understand what the `hiss hiss ` is but what`s that `pop ` every so often? Oh it`s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine says the guide It pokes a hole in every fourth condom Well that can`t be good for the condoms Yeah but it`s great for the baby-bottle nipple business

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn t come out So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says Big chief no fart The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened The messenger boy comes back the next day and says Big chief no fart The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time The messenger boy comes back the next day and says Big chief no fart The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans The messenger boy comes back the next day and says Big chief no fart The doctor gives him 1 000 cans of beans and says If this doesn t work then nothing will The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor The doctor anxiously asked Well did it work? The messenger boy says Big fart no chief

An old couple go to the doctor The old man goes first to have his physical When the doctor is done with him he sends the old man back into the wating room and calls the old woman in The doctor tells her Before we proceed with the examination I would like to talk to you about your husband first The old woman says Oh no it`s his heart I told him to lay off the eggs The doctor says No physically he is OK but I`m worried about him mentally The old woman questions Whatever do you mean? The doctor says Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great He said that when he got up to go the bathroom he opened the door and God turned the light on for him When he was done he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him The old woman responded Son of a gun he`s peeing in the fridge again

An elderly man was sick and in the hospital There was this one nurse who drove him crazy because every time she came in she would talk to him like he was a little child She would say in a patronizing voice And how are we doing this morning? or Are we ready for a bath? The man had just had enough So one morning at breakfast he took the apple juice off the tray and put it on his bedside stand Later that morning he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing So you know where the apple juice went The same nurse came in a little later picked up the urine bottle and looked at it My she said it seems we are a little cloudy today At this the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand popped off the top and drank it down saying Well I ll run it through again Maybe I can filter it better this time What do you think? The nurse fainted

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital While on the the operating table she had a near-death experience Seeing God she asked Is my time up? God said No you have another 40 years 2 months and 8 days to live Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift liposuction and a tummy tuck She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and complete make-up Since she had so much time to live she figured she might as well make the most of it After her last operation she was released from the hospital While crossing the street on her way home she was killed by an ambulance Arriving in front of God again she demanded I thought you said I had another 40 years Why didn t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance? God replied Sorry about that I just didn t recognise you

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr Michael DeBakey who was standing off to the side waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes Morris shouted across the garage Hey DeBakey Is that you? Come on over here a minute The famous surgeon a bit surprised walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car Morris straightened up wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively So Mr Fancy Doctor look at this here work I also open hearts take valves out grind em put in new parts and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten So how come you get the big bucks when you and me is doing basically the same work? Dr DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic Try doing it with the engine running

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention Four of them decided to leave and walked out together One said to the other three People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems The others agreed Then one said Since we are all professionals why don`t we take some time right now to hear each other out? The other three agreed The first then confessed I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients The second psychiatrist said I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want The third followed with I`m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me The fourth psychiatrist then confessed I know I`m not supposed to but no matter how hard I try I can`t keep a secret

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers Hello Mrs Ward please Speaking Mrs Ward this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory When your doctor sent your husband s biopsy to the lab yesterday a biopsy from another Mr Ward arrived as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband s Frankly the results are either bad or terrible What do you mean? Mrs Ward asks nervously Well one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS We can t tell which is your husband s That s dreadful Can t you do the test again? questioned Mrs Ward Normally we can but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time Well what am I supposed to do now? The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town If he finds his way home don t sleep with him