The after-dinner speaker just didn t have a Stop Button He burbled on and on oblivious to his increasingly restless audience Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him It missed and hit the Chairman instead As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head he was heard to murmur Hit me again I can still hear him
Doctor said the young man lying on the couch you`ve got to help Every night I have the same horrible dream I am lying in the bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes The psychiatrist nodded And what would you do? I push them away I see And what can I do to help you with this The patient implored Please Break my arms
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: John I m 83 years old now and I m just full of aches and pains I know you re about my age How do you feel? John says I feel just like a newborn baby Really ? Like a newborn baby ? Yep No hair no teeth and I think I just wet my pants
Lady calls up police department: Officer there is a man exposing himself in the next building Officer: OK we ll be right over lady Five minutes later at her apartment Officer: Which way lady? Lady: This way officer he s still shamelessly baring himself Officer: Where is he lady? I don t see no naked man Lady: Oh you have to look through this telescope
An eminent doctor goes for a meal in a gourmet restaurant As he is inspecting the menu the head waiter appears and tries to be particularly helpful You might be interested to know that I have pickled liver braised kidneys and stewed tongue Sounds terrible says the doctor Call my assistant and make an appointment for tomorrow Right now I ll have the fish
Guide: I welcome you all to the Niagara Falls These are the world`s largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high that the sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing by can`t be heard Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls Contributed by:-Mr Singh email address:- funnyjokes rediffmail com
At a jewelry store a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend Don t you want her name engraved upon it? asked the jeweler The young man thought for a moment and then ever the pragmatic steadfastly replied No just engrave it: To My One And Only Love That way if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger I can use it again
A first-time father takes his baby to the doctor Doc I can`t figure out what`s wrong with him He doesn`t stop crying It only takes the doctor a second to see what is wrong Here’s your problem says the doctor This baby’s in serious need of a diaper change Looking baffled the man replies But the package says it’s good for eight to 10 pounds
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911 The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away Where do you live? asked the operator Bubba replied At the end of Eucalyptus Drive The operator asked Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally Bubba said How `bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says Slim I m 83 years old now and I m just full of aches and pains I know you’re about my age How do you feel? Slim says I feel just like a newborn baby Really ? Like a newborn baby ? Yep No hair no teeth and I think I just wet my pants
A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related This means that the remaining 77% are caused by idiots who just drink tea coffee carbonated drinks juices yoghurt Therefore beware of those who do not drink alcohol They cause three times as many accidents
Nurse to Patient: How old are you Mrs Smith? Patient: None of your business Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records Patient: Well first multiply twenty by two then add ten Got that? Nurse: Yes Fifty Patient: All Right now subtract fifty and tell me what do you get? Nurse: Zero Patient: And that s exactly the chance of me telling you my age
A wife asks her husband Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados get 6 A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk The wife asks him Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk? He replied They had avocados (If you re a woman I m sure you re going back to read it again Men will get it the first time)
For the first time in many years an old man went to a movie After buying his ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn Handling the attendant 50 he could not help but comment The last time I came to the movies popcorn was only 15 cents Well sir the attendant replied with a grim You are really going to enjoy yourself We have sound now
Do you know the relation between two eyes ??? They never see each other BUT 1 They blink together 2 They move together 3 They cry together 4 They see together 5 They sleep together They share a very deep bonded relationship However when they see a pretty woman one will blink and another will not Moral of the story: A pretty woman can break any relationship
