A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application The executive begins to scan the sheet and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held I must say says the executive Your work history is terrible You`ve been fired from every job Yes says the man Well continues the executive there`s not much positive in that Hey says the guy as he pokes the application At least I`m not a quitte
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland As they stopped at a cheese farm a young guide led them through the process of cheese making explaining that goat s milk was used She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing These she explained are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce She then asked What do you do in America with your old goats? A spry old gentleman answered They send us on bus tours
An Englishman a Frenchman and a World Bank Economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden Look at their reserve their calm muses the Englishman They must be English Nonsense says the Frenchman They are both naked and beautiful They must be French You are both wrong says the World Bank economist They have no clothes and no shelter They have only an apple to eat and they re being told they re in Paradise Clearly they are Zimbabweans
As a restaurant owner I hired a pianist and a harpist to entertain my customers After several performances I discovered that the pianist had walked away with some of my valuables I notified police who arrested her Desperate for another pianist I called a friend who knew some musicians What happened to the pianist you had? he asked me I had her arrested I replied We said good-bye and hung up A few minutes later my friend called back and asked How badly did she play?
A motorist driving in the countryside hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened He then asked what the animal was worth Oh about Rs 3 000 today said the owner But in four years it would have been worth Rs 30 000 So Rs 30 000 is what I have lost The motorist sat down and wrote out a cheque and handed it to the farmer Here he said is the cheque for 30 000 It s postdated four years from now
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character She charged that he had called her a pig The man was found guilty and fined After the trial he asked the judge This means that I cannot call Mrs Johnson a pig? The judge said that was true Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs Johnson? the man asked The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs Johnson with no fear of legal action The man looked directly at Mrs Johnson and said Good afternoon Mrs Johnson
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he d been given This is five hundred rupees less than we agreed on he said I know the owner said But last week I overpaid you five hundred rupees and you never complained The contractor said Well I don t mind an occasional mistake But when it gets to be a habit I feel I have to call it to your attention
A guy goes to a girl`s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks As he`s standing there alone he notices a cute little vase on the mantle He picks it up and as he`s looking at it she walks back in He says What`s this? She says Oh my father`s ashes are in there He turns beet red in horror and goes Geez oh I She says Yeah he`s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground He doesn t seem to be breathing His eyes are rolled back in his head The other guy whips out his mobile phone and callls the emergency services He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead What can I do? The operator in a calm soothing voice says Just take it easy First let s make sure he s dead There s silence then a shot is heard The guy s voice comes back on the line He says Okay now what?
A union leader was addressing the workers at a union meeting… I am pleased to announce that we have agreed on a new deal with the management We will no longer work four days a week Hooray the crowd yelled We will finish work at 4 PM not 5 PM Hooray the crowd yelled again We will start work at 10 AM not 9 AM Hooray We have a 110% pay increase Hooray We will only work on Tuesdays Suddenly the crowd fell silent until a voice from the back asked Every Tuesday?
Eight-year-old Anita brought her report card home from school Her marks were good mostly A s and a couple of B s However her teacher had written across the bottom: Anita is a smart little girl but she has one fault She talks too much in school I have an idea I am going to try which I think may break her of the habit Anita s dad signed her report card putting a note on the back: Please let me know if your idea works on Anita because I would like to try it out on her mothe
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Schwartzberg a confirmed bachelor for many years Mr Schwartzberg don t leave it too late I have exactly the one you need You only have to say the word and you ll meet and be married in no time says the Matchmaker Don t bother replies Mr Schwartzberg I ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs That s all well and good but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife I said two sisters I didn t say they were MY sisters
A man had just got out of hospital from a sex-change operation and (s)he was talking to the people (s)he knew before (s)he became a woman Did it hurt? No not really only the last bit Was that when they cut it off? No that didn t hurt it was the last bit Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest? No it was just the last bit that hurt Well what was the last bit? You know the bit where they take half your brains out and make your mouth bigger That was agony
A 65 year old woman who has a baby with the help of a fertility specialist All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family When they ask to see the baby the 65 year old mother says Not yet A little later they ask to see the baby again Again the mother says Not yet Finally they say When can we see the baby? And the mother says When the baby cries So they ask Why do we have to wait until the baby cries? The new mother says I forgot where I put it
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date She wanted to make sure everything was perfect As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up Sitting up straight now embarrassed and red faced knowing everyone in the place heard her she turns to the waiter and demands Stop That The waiter looks at her dryly and says Sure madam which way is it headed?
