Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Maine I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket I gave him a small bag of my grandmother s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way A short time later I was stopped by another trooper What have I done? I asked Nothing the trooper said smiling I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies
Who said car names don t have meaning? BMW: Brings Me Women FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology FORD: For Only Rough Drivers HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing s Drivable And Inexpensive VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust Always GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside HONDA: Hanged Over Now Driving Away
Alitalia : Airplane Landed In Tokyo And Luggage In Atlanta Alitalia : Always Late In Take-off Always Late In Arrival American : Airline Meals Eaten Regularly Induces Cramps and Nausea Delta : Don`t Ever Leave The Airport El Al : Every Landing Always Late IA : Inmform Allah PIA : Please Inform Allah AI : Allah Informed Olympic : Onassis Likes Your Money Paid In Cash Sabena : Such A Bad Experience - Never Again TAP : Take Another Plane TWA : That Was Awful
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting on a Saturday morning after breakfast Dad: People this is unacceptable You have to limit the use of the phone I do not use this phone I use the one at the office Mum: Same here I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone Son: Me too I never use the home phone I always use my company mobile Maid: So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephones
Where s the barber who worked on the next chair? asked the old customer as he was getting a shave Hadn t you heard about Bill? said the barber It was a very sad case He grew nervous and despondent over poor business and one day when a customer said he didn t care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer s throat He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now Will you be having a massage sir? Sure go ahead said the custome
The story goes that a certain court jester went too far one day and insulted his king The king became so infuriated that he sentenced the jester to be executed His court prayed upon the king to have mercy for this man who had served him well for so many years After a time the king relented only enough to give the jester his choice as to how he would like to die True to form the jester replied If it s all the same to you my Lord I d like to die of old age
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones One of them asks the guard Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are? The guard replies They are 3 million four years and six months old That s an awfully exact number says the tourist How do you know their age so precisely? The guard answers Well the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here and that was four and a half years ago
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones One of them asks the guard Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are? The guard replies They are 3 million five years and six months old That s an awfully exact number says the tourist How do you know their age so precisely? The guard answers Well the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here and that was five and a half years ago
A gentleman was much surprised when the good-looking young lady greeted him by saying Good evening He could not remember ever having seen her before She evidently realized that she had made a mistake for she apologized and explained: Oh I m so sorry When I first saw you I thought you were the father of two of my children She walked on while the man stared after her She did not realize of course that he was unaware of the fact that she was a school teache
The artist tried to concentrate on his work but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible He threw down his palette took her in his arms and kissed her She pushed him away Maybe your other models let you kiss them she said but I m not that kind Actually I ve never tried to kiss a model before he protested Really? she said softening Well how many models have there been? Four so far he replied thinking back A jug two apples and a vase
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk `What are they doing Grandma?` asked the little girl The grandmother was embarrassed so she said `The dog on top has hurt his paw and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor ` `They`re just like people aren`t they Grandma?` `How do you mean?` asked the Grandma `Offer someone a helping hand ` said the little girl `and they screw you everytime `
Three men came across a female genie who promised to grant each one a wish The first man said I wish I were twenty-five percent smarter The genie blinked and the man said smarter already The second man said I wish I were fifty percent smarter The genie blinked and the exclaimed That`s wonderful I think I know things now that I didn`t know before The third man said I`d like to be one hundred percent smarter So the genie blinked and the man changed into a woman
Dad: I Want you to marry a girl of my choice Son: No Dad: But the girl is bill Gates` daughter Son: Ok I am ready to marry Dad Goes to Bill Gates Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son Bill Gates: No Dad: My son is the CEO of The World Bank Bill Gates: Then Ok Dad goes to the President of the World Bank Dad: Appoint my Son as the CEO of your Bank President: No Dad: He is Son-In-Law of Bill Gates President: Then Ok This is called Pure Business
Walking into the post office Joe saw a middle-aged balding man standing at the counter busily placing love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them The man then removed a perfume bottle from his pocket and started spraying the scent on the envelopes Jack was overcome with curiosity and asked the man what he was doing I m sending out 1000 Valentine cards signed Guess Who the man explained Why? asked Jack I m a divorce lawyer the man replied
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard? Throw out an anchor Sir What would you do if another storm sprang up aft ? Throw out another anchor Sir And if another terrific storm sprang up forward what would you do? Throw out another anchor Hold on said the Captain where are you getting all your anchors from? From the same place you re getting your storms si
