Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night So the next morning she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend s apartment overnight The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night So he tells his wife the next morning that he stayed at his friend s apartment overnight The wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them

Last year in France Jacque went to his local priest and confessed: Forgive me Father for I have sinned During the Second world War I hid a Jewish man in my attic That s not a sin said the priest It was an act of great kindness But I made him agree to pay me 30 francs for every week he stayed I admit that wasn t particularly charitable said the priest but you did it for a good cause Thank you Father said the man That s a great relief to me I have just one more question What s that? Do I have to tell him the war is over?

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat The wife comes home sooner than expected sits and gets the seat stuck to her rear She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat and they go When they get to the doctor s the man lifts his wife s coat to show their predicament The man asks Doctor have you ever seen anything like this before? Well yes the doctor replies but not framed

An Airline starts a new concept Chef on Board This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess Lemme get a cheeseburger not too rare not too well done but right in the groove Lemme get some fries not too crispy not too burnt but right in the groove And while you re at it throw in a shake not too thin not too thick but right in groove The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man: The chef said you can kiss his ass not to the left not to the right but right in the groove

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he s fallen in love and that he is going to get married He says Ma I m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I m going to marry The mother agrees The next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while Later he says Okay Ma guess which one I m going to marry She immediately replies The one on the right That s amazing Ma You re right How did you know? The Indian mother replies I don t like he

If you ever feel depressed in your life open your mailbox When I open my mailbox I find: 10 banks are giving me easy loans I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons 10 Job companies have best jobs for me 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me Dr Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall greying 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects And to top it all Approx 70-80 mails from Priya Payal Neha who are feeling lonely and want to meet me What else you need from life ???

Upon entering a little country store a stranger noticed a sign reading Danger Beware of Dog posted on the glass door Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register He asked the store manager Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of? Yep that`s him he replied The stranger couldn`t help but be amused That certainly doesn`t look like a dangerous dog to me Why in the world would you post that sign? Because the owner replied before I posted that sign people kept tripping over him

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night s big date So how d it go Joe? asked Bill Terrible admitted Joe The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out It never stopped and we never even got started Bill tried to comfort him It could have been worse Joe After all an attractive young woman s allowed to have her number in the phone book now isn t she? Yeah Joe replied but not in the Yellow Pages

72 year old man has a physical exam Dr says You re in amazingly good health -- there s not a thing wrong with you How old was your father when he died? The man says Did I say my father was dead? He s 91 years old and in perfect health Dr: That s incredible Well how old was your grandfather when he died? Man: Did I say my grandfather was dead? He s 108 and in great shape In fact he got married last month Dr: Amazing But what would possess a man 108 years old to want to get married? Man: Did I say he wanted to get married?

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight-feet-deep After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn t be needed Fill it up he ordered The worker did as he d been told But he ran into a problem He couldn t get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top He went to the office and explained his problem The boss snorted Honestly The kind of help you get these days There s obviously only one thing to do You ll have to dig that hole deepe

The supervisor for the Union of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order Men - we ve agreed on a new deal with the state We ll no longer have to work FOUR days a week HOOORAY the crowd cheered We ll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM HOORAY the crowd roared We don t have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10 AM HOORAY the crowd thundered And now even though 90% of the roads in the country are in bad shape we ll only have to work on Wednesdays Silence A voice from the back of the room asks You mean EVERY Wednesday?

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat The wife comes home sooner than expected sits and gets the seat stuck to her rear She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat and they go When they get to the doctor s the man lifts his wife s coat to show their predicament The man asks Doctor have you ever seen anything like this before? Well yes the doctor replies but never framed

On a long haul UK flight a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him in five minutes However he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle in the opposite direction from where his mother was Meanwhile a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door After the five minutes were up the mother knocked on the door and called out Do you need any help with the zipper? From behind the door a startled male voice said Good God That s what I call service

Recording - Hello Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline If you are obsessive-compulsive please press 1 repeatedly If you are co-dependent please ask someone to press 2 If you have multiple personalities please press 3 4 5 and 6 If you are paranoid-delusional we know who you are and what you want Just stay on the line until we can trace the call If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press If you are manic-depressive it doesn t matter which number you press No one will answe

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment Dude he told a friend I ve tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back I had the same thing man his friend says All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes That s it? the guy asked I ll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents About a week later the guy gets a call How s it going with the mice buddy? Not so good dude What s the problem? his friend asks To be honest I m having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart