There was once a famous Jewish court astrologer named Isaac the Great The King s mistress got sick and Isaac was called in from a prediction He happened to know a bit of medicine as well and could see that she was going to die so thought he would take the opportunity to bolster his credibility a little He said Your Majesty she will die in three days -- it s in the stars Sure enough three days later she dies The King is very angry so he blames the astrologer He calls Isaac in and demands Look into the stars and tell me the day of your own death Isaac the astrologer understands that the King is going to kill him so he looks at the Horoscope with great intensity and answers Sir I can t tell exactly when but I can see in the stars that the King will die three days after me

A young honeymoon couple was touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road After seeing the sights they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes Gosh exclaimed the new bride You certainly have a dangerous job Don t you ever get bitten by the snakes? Yes upon rare occasions answered the handler Well she continued just what do you do when you re bitten by a snake? I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket and as soon as I am bitten I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound What uh what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on a rattler? persisted the woman Ma am answered the snake handler that will be the day I learn who my real friends are

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her Hey Mom what s this? Oh that s an old typewriter she answered thinking that would satisfy their curiosity Well what does it do? they queried I ll show you she said and returned with a blank piece of paper She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys leaving black letters of print on the page WOW they exclaimed That s really cool But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in? There is no plug she answered It doesn t need a plug Then where do you put the batteries? they persisted It doesn t need batteries either she continued Wow This is so cool they exclaimed Someone should have invented this a long time ago

Two gas company servicemen a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter Finishing the meter check the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one As they came running up to the truck they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them They stopped and asked her what was wrong Gasping for breath she replied When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are I figured I d better run too

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment A friend asked “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?” The salesman explained When I got posted in the Middle East I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there But I had a problem I didn t know to speak Arabic So I planned to convey the message through 3 posters First poster a man crawling through the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting Second the man is drinking our Cola and Third our man is now totally refreshed Then these posters were pasted all over the place That should have worked said the friend The salesman replied Well not only did I not speak Arabic I also didn t realize that Arabs read from right to left

Test 1 Wife buys 12 underwears of same colour for her husband Hubby: Why same colour sweetheart people will think I never change my underwear Wife: Which people??? Total silence Test 2 A couple sees a hot girl Wife: So big aren t they? Husband: Yes they are Wife: Are they Artificial? Husband: Hmmmm I think natural Wife: Ear-rings and Natural ??? Total Silence And the best one Test 3: Men will always be Men: Once a group of men decided to go for Tirth Yatra Their guide explained to them that they might see some ladies bathing in open and they should not get distracted at all When they see anything like that they should just say HARI OM and move on Next day they started the yatra and one of the men in the group said: HARI OM and rest of them said: KIDHAR HAI KIDHAR HAI

One evening a family brings their frail elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her hoping she will be well cared for The next morning the nurses bathe her feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up Again she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright This goes on all morning Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home So Ma how is it here? Are they treating you all right? they ask It s pretty nice she replies Except they won t let you fart

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise They re all lined up and God asks the first one what the wish is I want to be gorgeous and so God snaps His fingers and it is done The second one in line hears this and says I want to be gorgeous too Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in line starts laughing When there are only ten people left this guy is rolling on the floor laughing Finally God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be The guy calms down and says Make em all ugly again

In a restaurant an old waiter brought a plate of consommé to a customer with soaking his thumb in the soup The customer held his tongue Then the waiter brought a steak with soaking his thumb in the gravy sauce The customer kept on silent with tolerance Last of all the waiter brought ice cream for a dessert without putting his thumb in it The customer could not help asking him Why did you soak your thumb in the soup and the gravy but not put it in the ice cream? The old waiter answered The answer is simple young man I suffer from rheumatism and it eases my pain to soak my thumb into hot things The customer got angry You warmed your thumb in my dish Why don’t you just shove it up your ass? The waiter nodded That’s what I do when I’m in the kitchen

Sergeant Frank was assigned to the induction center where he advised new recruits about their government benefits especially their GI insurance It wasn`t long before Captain Jack noticed that Frank had almost a hundred percent record for insurance sales which had never happened before Rather than ask about this the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Frank`s sales pitch Frank explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits and then said: If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed the government has to pay 200 000 to your nominee If you don`t have GI insurance and you go into battle and get killed the government only has to pay a maximum of 6000 Now he concluded which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?

वो बेवफा होती तो यारों बात और थी
उसकी वफ़ा से ही दिल में जखम है
हर दुसरे दिन उसका मैसेज आ जाता है
मोबाइल रिचार्ज करा दो बैलेंस ख़तम है

डॉन का इंतज़ार तो ग्यारह कॉलेज की लड़कियाँ कर रही हे
लेकिन डॉन का कॉलेज आना मुश्किल ही नही नामुमकिन हे क्योंकि
डॉन बारहवी फेल हो गया रे

A man was taking his wife who was pregnant with twins to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed Upon regaining consciousness he saw his brother a relentless world-class practical joker sitting at his bed side He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied Don`t worry everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious I named them for you The husband was thinking to himself Oh no what has he done now? and said with trepidation Well what did you name them? The brother replied I named the little girl Denise The husband relieved said That`s a very pretty name What did you come up with for my son? The brother replied Denephew

It was five in the evening the bank is almost closed All of a sudden the BM received a phone call from a lady In a sweet voice she said: Sir I urgently need Rs 50 000 Her voice was so captivating that the BM could not say no He instructed his cashier to keep the cash ready and with reluctance he obeyed his boss After a while a dark complexioned lady with ugliest of face came to the bank and presented the cheque The BM was taken aback as he was expecting a cute lady He immediately told the lady that they had already closed the cash for the day and she should come next day The cashier was so furious and he asked the BM if his intention was to not to pay why he was made to sit late BM: It s the Universal rule of the bankings that If words and figure differ payment will be declined

A MAN in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket What? questioned the bartender Why would you want so many martinis? My horse likes them replied the cowboy and he s tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst I want to surprise him So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis If you don t mind he said I d like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes Be my guest said the customer and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse who drank deeply Darnedest thing I ever saw said the bartender Why don t you come back in and I ll mix you a few on the house No I couldn t do that said the man But thanks anyway What s the matter? asked the bartender Don t you like martinis? Love em replied the cowboy but I gotta drive