A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him He thought to himself Wow she s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for? Hoping to pick her up he leaned towards her and said Love to fly and it shows? She gave him a blank confused stare and he immediately thought to himself she doesn t work for Delta A few seconds later another slogan popped into his head He leaned towards her again Something special in the air? She gave him the same confused look He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list Next he tried I would really love to fly your friendly skies? This time the woman barked back at him Man what the fu*k do you want? The man smiled then slumped back in his chair Ahhh Air Canada

When you take a long time you re slow When your boss takes a long time he s thorough When you don t do it you re lazy When your boss doesn t do it he s too busy When you make a mistake you re an idiot When your boss makes a mistake he s only human When you take a stand you re being bull-headed When your boss does it he s being firm When you are out of the office you re wandering around When your boss is out of the office he s on business When you have one too many drinks at a social you re a drunken bum When your boss does the same he appreciated women When you re on a day off sick you re always sick When your boss is a day off sick he must be very ill When you apply for leave you must be going for an interview When your boss applies for leave it s because he s overworked

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck Shocked by his find he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his a pessimist by nature and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog As they waited by the shore a flock of ducks flew by They fired and a duck fell The dog responded and jumped into the water The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird never getting more than his paws wet The friend saw everything but did not say a single word On the drive home the hunter asked his friend Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? I sure did responded his friend He can t swim

Two friends from the old country were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion in Miami Beach The first woman says When my first child was born my husband built me this beautiful mansion The second woman says Fantastic The first woman continues When my second child was born my husband bought me a brand new Cadillac Again the second woman says Fantastic The first woman boasts When my third child was born my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet Yet again the second woman comments Fantastic The first woman then asks her companion What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child? The 2nd woman replies My husband sent me to charm school Charm school the first woman cries What for? So instead of saying `Who cares` I learned to say `Fantastic `

Two gas company servicemen a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood They parked their truck at one end of the alley and worked their way to the other end At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter Finishing the meter check the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one As they came running up to the truck they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them They stopped and asked her what was wrong Gasping for breath she replied When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were I figure I d better run too

As US tourists in Israel a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop waiting for fellow tourists An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results he asked where they were from America the husband replied Looking at her dark hair and olive skin the Arab responded She`s not from the States Yes I am said the wife He looked at her and asked Is he your husband? Yes she replied Turning to the husband he offered I ll give you 100 camels for her The husband looked stunned and there was a long silence Finally he replied She`s not for sale After the salesman left the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer to which the husband replied I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift No thanks says the plant manager I tried smoking a cigar once but I didn t like it The sales rep shows his display case and then hoping to clinch a sale offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks No thanks the plant manager replies You know I tried alcohol once but didn t like it Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course I suppose you play golf says the salesman I d like to invite you to be a guest at my club That s kind of you but no thanks the manager says I played golf once but I didn t like it Just then a young man enters the office Let me introduce my son Mike says the plant manager Let me guess the salesman replies An only child?

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift No thanks says the plant manager I tried smoking a cigar once but I didn t like it The sales rep shows his display case and then hoping to clinch a sale offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks No thanks the plant manager replies You know I tried alcohol once but didn t like it Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course I suppose you play golf says the salesman I d like to invite you to be a guest at my club That s kind of you but no thanks the manager says I played golf once but I didn t like it Just then a young man enters the office Let me introduce my son Mike says the plant manager Let me guess the salesman replies An only child?

What is Generation Gap? Father used to walk 20 Minutes to save 20 Rs Son spends 20 Rs to save 20 Minutes Surprisingly both are correct What is Cultural Gap If electricity goes in America they call the power house In Japan they test the fuse But In India they check neighbour s house: Sabki gayi hai naa phir thik hai ?????? What is Sense of Responsibility A man goes to library and asks for a book on Suicide Librarian looks at him and says: Bhai wapas kaun dene aayega??? Grandfather to Grandson Go hide Your teacher is coming as you bunked school today Grandson: YOU go hide I told her YOU PASSED AWAY ?????? Sister to brother: What are you going to gift grandma on her birthday? Brother: A football Sister: But grandma does not play Brother: On my birthday she gave me bhagvad gita Uska kya?

An airplane pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking Welcome to Flight Number 321 nonstop from New York to Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight Now sit back and when suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers Oh My God OMG OMG This is going to hurt OMG Silence reigned You can hear a pin-drop He gets back on the microphone talking to thepassengers Ladies and gentlemen I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my pants A passenger hollered Why don t you come back here and see OUR PANTS FROM BEHIND

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake He didn’t bring his swimming outfit but who cared? He was all alone So he undressed and got into the water After some delightful minutes of cool swimming a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction He panicked got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief The ladies got nearby and looked at him He felt awkward and wanted to move Then one of the ladies said You know I have a special gift I can read minds Impossible” said the embarrassed man “You really know what I think? Yes” the lady replied “Right now I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument with the three male ministers siding against the female minister The woman prayed Lord I know I m right Please send us a divine sign to prove it A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder See said the woman It s a sign from above The three clergymen disagreed saying thunder is a common phenomenon Dear Lord the woman prayed I need a bigger sign This time a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree See I told you I was right the woman said But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn t be explained by natural causes Help me Lord the woman implored And a deep voice came from the heavens: SSSHHHEEE S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked Well? So okay they said Now it s three against two

Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench and a bum comes up to them Hey he bellows in his hoarse voice I got a riddle for you two What has 2 heads 4 arms 4 legs and stinks like SHIT?? The Polish guys look at each other and one of them shrugs I give up what has 2 heads 4 arms 4 legs and stinks like SHIT?? You and your friend the bum staggers away chuckling The Polish guys look at each other and start laughing That was a funny riddle that bum told us they say let s go do it on someone Laughing almost hysterically they see two American guys They come up to them and smile Hey guys they laugh We got a riddle for you What has 2 heads 4 arms 4 legs and stinks like SHIT? The American guys shrug waiting for the answer The Polish guys chuckle again and one of them says as he smirks Me and my friend

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looks around the shop and says About 2 hours The guy leaves A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says About 2 hours The guy leaves A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looks around the shop and says About an hour and a half The guy leaves The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says Hey Bill follow that guy and see where he goes In a little while Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically The barber asks Bill where did he go when he left here? Bill looked up and said To your house

A man was driving home late one afternoon and he was driving above the speed limit He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights He thinks I can outrun this guy so he floors it The cars are racing down the highway -- 60 70 80 90 miles an hour Finally as his speedometer passes 100 the guy realizes he can`t outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car He leans down and says Listen mister I`ve had a really lousy day and I just want to go home Give me a good excuse and I`ll let you go The man thought for a moment and said Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me