A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer After the cashier put the cash in a bag the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well but the cashier refused and said Because I don t believe you are over 21 The robber said he was but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn t believe him At this point the robber took his driver s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag The robber then ran from the store with his loot The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license They arrested the robber two hours late

Marriage is not a word it`s a sentence 80% of the married men cheat in US rest go to europe asia Man is incomplete until he is married Then he is really finished Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor`s degree and the woman gets her master`s There was a man who said I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late A happy Marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes When a newly married man looks happy we know why But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why The Marriage comprises of three rings : engagement ring the wedding ring and the suff`ring`s In the first year of Marriage the man speaks and the woman listens In the second year the woman speaks and the man listens In the third year they both speak and the neighbors listen

Joe was a not too smart kind of guy Everyday when he walked home from work he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money Finally Joe decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn t happen again He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself So one day on the way home from work Joe took his old route home and sure enough there they were He walked up to them and the battle ensued The next afternoon Joe went to his karate class with a black eye a broken nose and a busted lip His instructor shocked asked him what happened Well explained Joe I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes When they get home the wife says Dear will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won t forget? Nonsense says the husband I can remember a dish of ice cream Well says the wife I d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it My memory s not all that bad says the husband No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I don t need to write it down He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs She looks at the plate and asks Hey where s the toast I asked for?

5 things American Movies Teach Us: 1 Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu 2 More than 50% of U S population are FBI/CIA agents working undercover 3 The purpose of school system of U S is to promote Basketball/Baseball 4 Aliens have special interest in attacking the U S 5 U S is a place where you can meet all mythical creatures like werewolves vampires 5 things Indian Movies teach us: 1 At least one of the identical twins is born evil 2 While defusing a bomb don t worry whichever wire you cut you always choose the right one 3 A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up; but will show pain when a girl cleans up his wounds 4 A detective can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty The most hilarious one 5 If you decide to start dancing on the street everyone you meet will know the steps

The boss calls his secretary and says Get ready for the weekend We are going on a business trip The secretary calls husband and says Me and my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of yourself The husband calls his girlfriend and says My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition No tuition this weekend The boy calls his grand father Grandpa at last we can spend this weekend together Grandpa (The boss) calls his secretary and says Business trip is cancelled I m going to spend weekend with my grandson The secretary calls husband I won t be going The husband calls his girlfriend I am sorry My wife is not going The girlfriend calls boy You have tuition Boy calls his grandpa and says Sorry grandpa I ve classes The grandpa calls secretary

When without money eats wild vegetables at home; When has money eats same wild vegetables in fine restaurant When without money rides bicycle; When has money rides the same exercise machine When without money walks to earn food; When has money walks to burn the fat Man O Man never fails to deceive thyself When without money wishes to get married; When has money wishes to get divorced When without money wife becomes secretary; When has money secretary becomes wife When without money acts like rich man; When has money acts like poor man Man O Man never can tell the simple truth Says share market is bad but keeps speculating; Says money is evil but keeps accumulating Says high positions are lonely but keeps wanting them Says gambing drinking is bad but keeps indulging; Man O Man Never means what he says and never says what he means

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation You grew up in a different world actually an almost primitive one the student said loud enough for many of those nearby to hear The young people of today grew up with television jet planes space travel man walking on the moon our spaceships have visited Mars We have nuclear energy electric and hydrogen cars computers with DSL BPS light-speed processing and pausing to take another drink of beer The Senior took advantage of the break in the student s litany and said You re right son We didn t have those things when we were young so we invented them Now you - arrogant little shit - what are you doing for the next generation?

किराने की दुकान में दुकानदार 500 रूपये का नोट बहुत ध्यान से चेक कर रहा था
ग्राहक : लाला जी कितने भी ध्यान से देख लो गांधी जी की जगह कैटरीना नहीं दिखेगी

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband`s funeral She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit He asks Wouldn`t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he`s wearing? But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one When she comes back for the wake she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost He says Actually it didn`t cost anything The funniest thing happened As soon as you left another corpse was brought in this one wearing a blue suit I noticed that they were about the same size and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit She said that was fine with her So I switched the heads

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home When an old Grandpa walked by And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying We bet we can tell exactly how old you are The old man said There is no way you can guess it you old fools One of the old Grandmas said Sure we can Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age Embarrassed just a little but anxious to prove they couldn t do it he dropped his drawers The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times Then they all piped up and said You re 87 years old Standing with his pants down around his ankles the old gent asked How in the world did you guess? Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear the three old ladies happily yelled in unison We were at your birthday party yesterday

A large well established lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack The very next day a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjacks door The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave Just give me a chance to show you what I can do said the skinny man Okay see that giant tree over there? said the lumberjack Take your axe and go cut it down The skinny man headed for the tree and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack s door I cut the tree down said the man The lumberjack couldn t believe his eyes and said Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that? In the Sahara Forest replied the puny man You mean the Sahara Desert said the lumberjack The little man laughed and answered back Oh sure that s what they call it now

After creating this complex world GOD was worried that who will decide what is right and what is wrong? So HE created Arnab Goswami I hope the next episode of Satyamev Jayate focuses on how Arnab Goswami has been terrorising the country for years Why? Why? Why? The nation demands an answer - Arnab Goswami to waiter at Sagar Ratna after being told the idlis are over Arnab Goswami was created to balance Manmohan Singh s silence If Arnab Goswami and Dolly Bindra get married Their kid would be the most advanced sound system ever built on the planet If you ever see a picture of Arnab Goswami with a closed mouth that camera has a good shutter speed Rajinikanth once completed his sentence in an Arnab Goswami interview To calculate the longest Arnab Goswami has ever paused Mathematicians are working on a device that can record time in nanoseconds

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place Grandma couldn t speak very well but she mwould write notes when she needed to communicate After a short time out on the lawn Grandma started leaning off to the right so some family members grabbed her straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right side A short time later she started leaning off to her left so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side Soon she started leaning forward so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said Hi Grandma you re looking good How are they treating you? Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew: Bastards won t let me fart

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center Claude the hypnotist exclaimed I m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch It s a very special watch It s been in my family for six generations He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting Watch the watch watch the watch watch the watch The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth light gleaming off its polished surface Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist s fingers and fell to the floor breaking into a hundred pieces SH*T said the Hypnotist It took three days to clean up the Senior Cente