An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up He said I feel terrible Please examine me and tell me what s wrong with me? Let s begin with a few questions said the doctor Do you drink much? Alcohol? said the man I m a teetotaller Never touch a drop How about smoking? asked the doctor Never replied the man Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it Well uh asked the doctor Do you have much of a sex life? Oh no said the man Sex is sin I m in bed by 10:30 every night always have been The doctor paused looked at the man hard and asked Well do you have pains in your head? Yes said the man I have terrible pains in my head OK said the doctor That s your trouble Your halo is on too tight

An accountant dies and goes to heaven He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name After a few minutes St Peter comes running across and says I`m sorry I wasn`t here to greet you personally God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself The accountant is perplexed I`ve tried to lead a good life but I am overwhelmed by your welcome he tells St Peter It`s the least we can do for someone as special as you are Imagine living to the age of 160 and still looking so young says St Peter The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies 160? I don`t know what you mean I`m only 40 St Peter replies But that can`t be right - we`ve seen your time sheets

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother The psychic s eyelids begin fluttering her voice begins warbling her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning Eventually a coherent voice emanates saying Granddaughter? Are you there? The customer wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat responds Grandmother? Is that you? Yes granddaughter it s me It s really really you grandmother?” the woman repeats Yes it s really me granddaughter The woman looks puzzled You re sure it s you grandmother? Yes granddaughter I m sure it s me The woman pauses a moment Grandmother I have just one question for you Anything my child Grandmother when did you learn to speak English?

Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Not able to handle being alone she decides to kill herself and join him in death She starts to think about quick and easy ways and remembers abouther husband`s old Army pistol With that thought she decides to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken anyway Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden on one of her children she decides to call her doctor`s and inquire as to just exactly where the heart could be found on a woman Her doctor advises her that it could be found just below her left breast Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her knee

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) The FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals The President decides to give them a test He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it The CIA goes in They place animal informants throughout the forest They question all plant and mineral witnesses After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist The FBI goes in After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest killing everything in it including the rabbit and they make no apologies The rabbit had it coming The LAPD goes in They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear The bear is yelling: Okay Okay I`m a rabbit I`m a rabbit

Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat Pushing her way through the crowd she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily My dear Mr Smith she gushed fancy meeting you here on the bus Am I glad to see you Why you re almost a stranger My but I m tired The sedate gent looked up at the girl He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly Sit down Monica my girl It isn t often I see you on washday No wonder you re tired Being pregnant isn t easy By the way don t deliver the wash until Thursday My wife is going to the District Attorney s office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost He reduces height and spots a man down below He lowers the balloon further and shouts Excuse me can you tell me where I am? The man below says Yes you`re in a hot air balloon hovering 50 feet above this field You must be an engineer says the balloonist I am replies the man How did you know? Well says the balloonist everything you have told me is technically correct but it`s of no use to anyone The man below says You must be in management I am replies the balloonist but how did you know? Well says the man you don`t know where you are or where you`re going but you expect me to be able to help You`re in the same position you were before we met but now it`s my fault

Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat Pushing her way through the crowd she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily My dear Mr Wilson she gushed Fancy meeting you here on the bus I am glad to see you Why you re almost a stranger My but I m tired The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly Sit down Mary my girl It isn t often I see you on washday No wonder you re tired Being pregnant isn t easy By the way don t deliver the wash until Thursday My wife is going to the District Attorney s office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail

A man who owned a local grocery store was out delivering orders in his station wagon when he hit and injured a little old lady The lady sued and was awarded an amount large enough to drive the man out of business After difficult times he managed to accumulate enough to try again But a few months after opening his doors he struck an old gentleman with his delivery truck The gentleman sued and collected big damages enough to ruin the merchant yet again On a peaceful Sunday the grocer was sitting in his living room when his little boy entered and called out Father Father Mother s been run over by a great big bus The grocer s eyes filled with tears and in a voice trembling with emotion he cried Thank the Lord my luck s changed at last

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs 100 and that continues for a year Suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs 75 Well the beggar thinks it s still better than nothing A year passes in this way until the man s daily donation suddenly becomes Rs 50 What s going on now? the beggar asks his donor First you give me Rs 100 every day then Rs 75 and now only Rs 50 What s the problem? Well the man says last year my eldest son went to university It s very expensive so I had to cut costs This year my daughter also went to university so I had to cut my expenses even further And how many children do you have? the beggar asks Four the man replies Well says the beggar I hope you don t plan to educate them all at my expense

Bobby walks into a bar and says Bartender one round for everyone on me The bartender says Well seems you re in a really good mood tonight hmm? Bobby says Oh you can bet on it I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters I start on Monday The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round Monday evening arrives and Bobby comes back into the bar and says Bartender TWO rounds for everyone on me The bartender says Well now If you re so happy just over having this new job I can just imagine how happy you ll be when you get your paycheck Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket and says You mean they ll PAY me too?

A little boy was afraid of the dark One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom The little boy turned to his mother and said Mama I don t want to go out there It s dark The mother smiled reassuringly at her son You don t have to be afraid of the dark she explained Jesus is out there He ll look after you and protect you The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked Are you sure he is out there? Yes I m sure He is everywhere and he is always ready to help you when you need him she said The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little Peering out into the darkness he called Jesus? If you re out there would you please hand me the broom?

A youngster rushed into a barber s shop and asked to be given a haircut and a shave immediately You wait your turn young man said the barber I will get to you after the others waiting before you have been attended to It will take an hour or two The young fellow ran out of the barber s shop He came the next day the day after and for many days subsequently Every time he was told to wait his turn he fled Not being able to contain his curiosity the barber asked his assistant to follow the young man and find out where he came from and where he went after leaving his shop The assistant did so and reported back I don t know where the fellow comes from but as soon as you tell him you will be busy for the next hour or two he runs to your home

Joe is a lively 75 year old widower He is also very rich One day he turns up at the to meet some of his friends and he has a gorgeous young redhead on his arm She has sex appeal in plenty and listens to Joe’s every word with great attention All his friends think she is as sexy a lady as they have seen for years When she excuses herself to go to the ladies Joe’s friends rush over to him Joe how did you manage to get such a lovely girlfriend? they ask Girlfriend? says Joe looking upset what do you mean girlfriend? She is my wife They were shocked So how did you persuade her to marry you? I lied about my age Joe replies Don’t tell us that you told she that you were only 50? Of course not smiles Joe I told her I was 90

In Court the Judge says to a double-homicide defendant You re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out You bastard The judge says You re also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out You rotten bastard The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom Sir I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I ll charge you with contempt Is that understood? The guy in the back of the court stands up and says I m Sorry Your Honour but for fifteen years I ve lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn t have one