A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother The psychic s eyelids begin fluttering her voice begins warbling her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning Eventually a coherent voice emanates saying Granddaughter? Are you there? The customer wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat responds Grandmother? Is that you? Yes granddaughter it s me It s really really you grandmother? the woman repeats Yes it s really me granddaughter The woman looks puzzled You re sure it s you grandmother? Yes granddaughter I m sure it s me The woman pauses a moment Grandmother I have just one question for you Anything my child Grandmother when did you learn to speak English?

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking With great difficulty the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after Quite upset the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested The Englishman answers with humour: No sir I do not But while we re asking questions do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving on the other side???

It was three o clock in the morning and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off when a little old lady came running towards her screaming Please come quickly she yelled I just saw a naked man outside my window The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady s room Where is he? asked the receptionist He s over there replied the little old lady pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on moving around his apartment It s probably a man who s getting ready to go to bed she said reassuringly And how do you know he s naked you can only see him from the waist up? The dresser screamed the old lady Try standing on the dresse

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn`t keep his eyes off of her Every time she came in the room he`d near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her When he`d finished she paid him and said I`m going to make a well unusual request But you have to first promise me you`ll keep it a secret The repairman quickly agreed and she went on Well it`s kind of embarrassing to talk about but while my husband is a kind decent man-- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness A certain disability Now I`m a woman and you`re a man The repairman could hardly speak Yes; yes And since I`ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door Yes; yes Would you help me move the refrigerator?

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers The Australian Book of Foreplay The Book of Motivated Postal Workers Americans Guide to Etiquette Royal Family s Guide to Good Marriages Cultured Places to Travel in the USA Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity George Bush: Man of Peace Contraception by Pope John Paul II Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex The Wit and Wisdom of Dan Quayle Consumer Marketing Ethics John Howard: The Wild Years Popular Lawyers Career Opportunities for History majors Everything Men Know about Women Great Women Drives of Today Home Built Airplanes by John Denver Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton My Life s Memories by Ronald Reagan Things I can t Afford by Bill Gates

A judge asked a defendant to please stand You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw From out in the audience a man shouted Lying bastard Silence in the court the judge shouted back to the man He turned to the defendant and said You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel Tightwad blurted the man again Quiet yelled the judge who continued You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill Son of a The man started to shout when the judge thundered back If you don t tell me reason for your outbursts right now I will hold in contempt So the man answered I ve lived next to that man for ten years now but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one

In the men s bathroom an accountant a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal The accountant finished zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows he used 20 paper towels before he finished He turned to the other two men and commented I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean The lawyer finished zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers grabbed one paper towel and commented I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands

A visitor was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog The dog leads the man into the street where he is brushed by an oncoming car The man is knocked down and he rather gingerly gets back up He calls the guide dog over reaches into his pocket pulls out a canine treat and gives it to the dog The visitor upon seeing all this walks over to the blind man and says That s amazing Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car and yet you re giving the dog a treat You must really love that dog The blind man turned to me and said No I m going to thoroughly kick that dog s butt I m just using the dog biscuit to determine which end is which

A young farmhand is driving around the farm and making repairs to the fences After a few minutes he makes a call to his boss on the two-way radio and says Boss I ve got a problem I hit a pig on the road and he s stuck in the bull-bars of the truck He s still wriggling What should I do? In the back of your truck there s a shotgun Shoot the pig in the head and when he stops wriggling you ll be able to pull it out and throw it in a bush off the side of the road The farm worker says okay and signs off About 10 minutes later he radios back Boss I did what you said I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush So what s the problem now? his Boss snapped Well the blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing

In the men s bathroom an accountant a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal The accountant finished zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows he used 20 paper towels before he finished He turned to the other two men and commented I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean The lawyer finished zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers grabbed one paper towel and commented I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands

With all the new technology regarding fertility a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently When she was discharged from the hospital and went home her relatives came to visit May we see the new baby? one asked Not yet said the mother I ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first Thirty minutes had passed and another relative asked May we see the new baby now? No not yet said the mother After another few minutes had elapsed they asked again May we see the baby now? No not yet replied the mother Growing very impatient they asked Well when CAN we see the baby? WHEN IT CRIES she told them WHEN IT CRIES?? they demanded Why do we have to wait until it CRIES?? BECAUSE I forgot where I put it

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up He said I feel terrible Please examine me and tell me what s wrong with me Let s begin with a few questions said the doctor Do you drink much? Alcohol? said the man I m a teetotaler Never touch a drop How about smoking? asked the doctor Never replied the man Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it Well uh said the doctor do you have much sex life? Oh no said the man Sex is sin I m in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been The doctor paused looked hard at the man and asked Well do you have pains in your head? Yes said the man I have terrible pains in my head OK said the doctor That s your trouble Your halo is on too tight

`Brian what s wrong with you? You ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes ` `Oh Dan ` responded Brian `I don t know what to do I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie she claims I never buy her gifts so I must not care about her ` `Brian that s horrible ` said Dan putting his arm around Brian `What type of a gift does she want already?` `Well right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: `Why don t you show me how much you care about me? Why can t you get me something that goes from to 175 in seconds ` `Dan what should I do? I don t have that kind of money? I can t go out and buy her a car ` `A car? Asked Dan `Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale `

1 AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks`trus) adj Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes 2 CARPERPETUATION (kar`pur pet u a shun) n The act when vacuuming of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times reaching over and picking it up examining it then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance 3 ELBONICS (el bon`iks) n The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater 4 PEPPIER (peph ee ay`) n The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper 5 PHONESIA (fo nee` zhuh) n The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answe

It s Christmas time and Paddy and Maddy decided to go look for a Christmas Tree They gathered their axe a sled and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them When they finally reach a fine stand of trees Maddy brushes off the first tree and stands back with Paddy to look at it Well Paddy What do you think? Sorry Maddy this tree won t do Let s try another one They come upon another nice tree Shaun brushes it off and they both look at it How about this one Paddy? Not quite Maddy Let s keep looking This goes on until nightfall Both Paddy and Maddy are cold tired and hungry Well Paddy what do we do now? Maddy I think we should take home the next tree we find whether it has lights on it or not