One night at the lodge of a hunting club two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around The man leading them around said See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you ll never forget They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story Well he began I remember back in 1966 we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing On the fourth day I was so tired I had to rest I found a fallen tree so I laid my gun down propped my head on the tree and fell asleep I don t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR I tell you I just shit my pants The young men looked astonished and one of them said I don t blame you I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me The old man shook his head and said No no not then just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews However she had relatives all over the country The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them she hated flying No matter how safe people told her it was she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up Finally the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary Tell me she said suspiciously what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane? The actuary looked through his tables and said A very small chance Maybe one in five hundred thousand She nodded then thought for a moment So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane? Again he went through his tables Extremely remote he said About one in a billion Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office And from that day on every time she flew she took a bomb with he

Many many years ago When I was twenty-three I got married to a widow Pretty as could be This widow had a grown-up daughter With flowing hair of red My father fell in love with her And soon the two were wed This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life Now my daughter was my mother For she was my father`s wife To complicate the matters worse Although it brought me joy I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad And so became my uncle Though it made me very sad For if he was my uncle Then that also made him brother to the widow`s grown-up-daughter Who of course was my stepmother CONFUSED??? Relax Go ahead Father`s wife then had a son Who kept them on the run And he became my grandson for he was my daughter`s son My wife is now my mother`s mother And it makes me blue Because although she is my wife She is my grandma too If my wife is my grandmother Then I am her randchild And every time I think of it It simply drives me wild For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw As the husband of my grandmother I am my own grandpa

आज कल के बच्चे रिफ्रेश होने के लिए जहाँ वाटर पार्क, एम्यूस्मेंट पार्क, शापिंग माॅल, गेम सेंटर वगैरह जाने की जिद करते हैं
वहीं हम ऐसे बच्चे थे जो गरमीयों में झोहड़ में नहा कर रिफ्रेश हो जाते थे

A fire started on some grassland near a farm The county fire department was called to put out the fire The fire was more than the county fire department could handle Someone suggested that a nearly volunteer bunch be called Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance the call was made The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck They rumbled straight towards the fire drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts Watching all his the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for 1 000 A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds That ought to be obvious he responded wiping ashes off his coat The first thing we re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fired truck

अध्यापक छात्र से - बताओ तुम इतिहास पुरूष मॆ सब से ज्यादा किससे नफरत करते हो
बच्चा राजा राम मोहन राय से
अध्यापक - क्यू ??
बच्चा - उसी नें बाल विवाह बँद करवाया था वरना आज हम भी बीवी बच्चे वाले होते

A fire started on some grassland near a farm The county fire department was called to put out the fire The fire was more than the county fire department could handle Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance the call was made The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck They rumbled straight towards the fire drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts Watching all this the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department`s work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a cheque for 1 000 A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds `That ought to be obvious ` he responded wiping ashes off his coat `The first thing we`re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck `

एक बच्चा अपनी माँ से बुरी तरह से पीटने के बाद अपने पापा से पूछा
आप कभी पाकिस्तान गए हो
पापा : नहीं बेटा
बेटा: कभी अफगानिस्तान गए हो
पापा : नहीं बेटा
बेटा : तो फिर यह आतंकवादी आइटम कहाँ से लाये

संता एक सॉफ्टवेर कंपनी में अपना इंटरव्यू देने जाता है।
इंटरव्यू लेने वाला - JAVA के कोई चार Version बताओ ?
संता:-

1. मर JAVA !!!
2. मिट JAVA !!!
3. मैं सदके JAVA !!!
और
4. लुट JAVA !!!
इंटरव्यू लेने वाला:
बल्ले बल्ले अब तुस्सी घर JAVA

डॉक्टर: तुम कौन-सा साबुन इस्तेमाल करते हो? मरीज: बजरंग का साबुन। डॉक्टर: पेस्ट? मरीज: बजरंग का पेस्ट? डॉक्टर: शैम्पू? मरीज: बजरंग का शैम्पू। डॉक्टर: ये बजरंग कहां की कंपनी है? मरीज: बजरंग मेरा रूम मेट है।

Girl: Hiiiiii Boy: Hi Girl: What happened? Boy: Nothing Girl: No say na what happened You look soo sad Boy: I ll ask you something and you have to tell me the truth will you? Girl: Ok ask Boy: Who is Raj loafer? He liked all your profile pictures and even your status updates on FB who is the dumb idiot? Girl: Please don t say anything about him Boy: Is he your ex boyfriend? Are you still in love with him? Girl: Why would I love him You are my only love Boy: Then is he your brother? Girl: No no not like that Boy: Then who the hell is he? Girl: Shall we talk something else? Boy: So you are hiding something from me? You have that much close relationship with him he s so much important to you right? Girl: If I disclose the secret you ll definitely scold me Boy: I m getting irritated now don t test my patience Girl: Please Yaar Boy: If You don t tell me I ll break our relationship roght now Girl: Ok I ll tell you but promise me that you won t scold me ok?? Boy: Oh ok Girl: Hmmm That is my fake profile if no one likes my dp I like my pictures through that id and also post comments like cute nice hot sexy etc etc

1) Most of the guys who are ignored by Girls in young life are actually the nicest and better husband material 2) It s dangerous to talk to strangers but it s perfectly ok to marry one 3) We d rather spend more on daughters wedding than on her education 4) We live in a country where seeing a policeman makes us nervous rather than feeling safe 5) In IAS exam a person writes a brilliant 1500 words essay about how Dowry is a social evil Impresses everyone and cracks the exam One year later same person demands a dowry of 1 crore because he is an IAS officer 6) Indians are very shy and still are 121 Crore 7) Indians are obsessed with screen guards on their smartphones even though most come with scratch proof Gorilla Glass but never bother wearing a helmet while riding their bikes 8) Indian Society teaches Not to Get Raped rather Don t Rape 9) The worst movies earn the most 10) It is shallow to ask for dowry but prospective bridegrooms should make six or seven figured salaries preferably settled in U S 11) A porn-star is accepted in society as a celebrity but a rape victim is not even accepted as a normal human being

An Indian goes to Walmart in the U S He finds cat food at special prices He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out The Manager gets suspicious He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out The Manager again gets suspicious He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food The Indian goes home and returns with a dog He gets to buy the dog food The following week the Indian comes to Walmart with a bag He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag The Manager puts his hand in the bag feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out He shouts at the Indian What the hell This is shit you Idiot ??? The Indian calmly replies Yes now may I buy some toilet paper ???

A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane Unexpectedly the plane was diverted to Sydney The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her and calling her by name said Kathy we are in Sydney for almost an hour Would you like to get off and stretch your legs? The blind lady replied No thanks but maybe Max would Like to stretch his legs Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog The pilot was even wearing sunglasses People scattered They not only tried to change planes but they were trying to change airlines True story Have a great day and remember Things aren t always what they appear to be

At Aberdeen Uni 4 sophomores were taking Biology They had done brilliantly in labs on practicals and tests etc Each had an `A` so far for the semester So confident were they before finals that they decided to head down to Edinburgh College for a big party with some mates After a great deal of partying they slept all day Sunday and didn`t make it back to Aberdeen till early Monday morning Rather than take the final then they decided to find the Professor after the exam and explain their trip how they had planned to be back in time to study but unfortunately had a flat tire on the way home didn`t have a spare couldn`t get help and thus missed the final The Professor thought it over agreed they could take the exam the next day and naturally the guys were relieved That night they studied hard arrived the next day where upon the professor placed them each in separate rooms Handing them a test booklet he told them to begin Looking at problem 1 worth five points Cool they thought at the same time each in his separate room This will be a cinch Each finished the problem 1 turned the page and found written:[For 95 points]: Which tire?