There was a man who worked all of his life and had saved his money and was a real miser when it came to his money He loved money more than just about anything Just before he died he said to his wife Now listen When I die I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him Well one day he died He was stretched out in the casket the wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her When they finished the ceremony just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket the wife said Wait just a minute She had a box with her she came over with the box and put it in the casket Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away So her friend said Girl I know you weren`t fool enough to put all that money in there with that man She said Listen I`m a Christian I can`t lie I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man? I sure did said the wife I wrote him a check

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad so make arrangement Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad you look after yourself Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week so lets spend the week together Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week so you need not come for class Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa for a week I don t have class coz my teacher is busy Lets spend the week together Grandpa (the 1st boss ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson We cannot attend that meeting Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work we cancelled our trip Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together my wife has cancelled her trip Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: This week we will have class as usual Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa my teacher said this week I have to attend class Sorry I can t give you company Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don t worry this week we will attend that meeting so make arrangement

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks Has the jury reached a verdict in this case? Yes we have your honor the foreman responded Would you please pass it to me The judge declared as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him After the judge reads the verdict himself he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman Please read your verdict to the court We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery stated the foreman The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the not guilty verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude The defendant s attorney turns to his client and asks So what do you think about that? The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says I m real confused here Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replied I cannot accept money from you I m doing community service this week The florist was pleased and left the shop When the barber went to open his shop the next morning there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door Later a cop comes in for a haircut and when he tries to pay his bill the barber again replied I cannot accept money from you I m doing community service this week The cop was happy and left the shop The next morning when the barber went to open up there was a Thank You card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door Then a Politician came in for a haircut and when he went to pay his bill the barber again replied I can not accept money from you I m doing community service this week The Politician was very happy and left the shop The next morning when the barber went to open up there were a dozen Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut And that my friends illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it

The FBI had an opening for an assassin After all the background checks interviews and testings were done three finalists remained Richard Sam and Jane were to be given a final test For the final test the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances Inside the room you will find Betty your wife sitting in a chair Kill Her Richard said You can t be serious I could never shoot my wife The agent said Then you re not the right man for this job Take your wife and go home Sam was given the same instructions He took the gun and went into the room All was quiet for about five minutes Sam came out with tears in his eyes I tried but I can t kill my wife The agent said You don t have what it takes Take your wife and go home Finally it was Jane s turn She was given the same instructions to kill her husband Bob She took the gun and went into the room Shots were heard They heard screaming crashing banging on the walls After a few minutes all was quiet The door opened slowly and there stood Jane wiping the sweat from her brow The gun was loaded with blanks she said I had to beat him to death with a chai

After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization” a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it Student “Sir do you really understand anything about the subject?” Professor “Surely I must Otherwise I would not be a professor ” Student “Great well then I would like to ask you a question If you can give me the correct answer I will accept my mark as is and go If you however do not know the answer I want you give me an A for the exam ” Professor “Okay it s a deal So what is the question?” Student: “What is legal but not logical logical but not legal and neither logical nor legal?” Even after some long and hard consideration the professor cannot give the student an answer and therefore changes his exam mark into an A as agreed Afterwards the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question He immediately answers “Sir you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman which is legal but not logical Your wife has a 25 year old lover which is logical but not legal The fact that you have given your wife s lover an A although he really should have failed is neither legal nor logical ”

A man dies and goes to hell There he finds that there is a different hell for each country He goes to the German hell and asks What do they do here?” He was told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on and checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more countries He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in Amazed he asks What do they do here? He was told First they put you in an electric chair for an hour Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour Then the Indian devil comes and beats you for the rest of the day But that is exactly the same as all the other hells---so why are so many people waiting to get in here? asked the man Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work someone has stolen all the nails from the bed and the Indian devil is a former Govt servant so he comes in and signs the register and then goes to the canteen

You ve probably heard of deja vu the illusion of having previously experienced a situation that is happening now Here are some related expressions Feel like I ve milked this cow before: deja moo seen this strange animal before: deja gnu smelled this bad odor before: deja phew visited this menagerie before: deja zoo scared this person away before: deja boo read this mystery book before: deja clue been in this courtroom before: deja sue felt this bad before: deja rue felt this sad before: deja blue expanded this way before: deja grew learned this stuff before: deja knew waited in line before: deja queue eaten this dinner before: deja stew pursued this person before: deja woo forgotten this your name before: deja who had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too seen these twins before: deja two used this beer recipe before: deja brew been on this airplane before: deja flew came up with this innovation before: deja new sketched this portrait before: deja drew ended this relationship before: deja through felt this ill before: deja flu munched on this gum ball before: deja chew played in this wet grass before: deja dew admired this scenery before: deja ooo exposed the real facts before: deja true

A scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner He had tribal gear on long white plaits wrinkled face Who`s he? asked the scouser That`s the Memory Man said the bartender He knows everything remembers everything He can remember any fact he experiences Go and try him out So the scouser goes over and thinking he won`t know about English football asks Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final? Liverpool replies the Memory Man Who did they beat? Leeds was the instant reply And the score? 2-1 Who scored the winning goal? Ian St John was the old man`s reply without a hint of hesitation The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and even more wrinkled Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue He approached him with the greeting How The Memory man looked up and replied Diving header in the six yard box

Two unemployed guys are talking One says I m going to become a lion tamer The other replies That s crazy you don t know nothing about no lion taming Yes I do Well OK answer me this When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting what you gonna do? I ll take that big chair they all carry and I ll stick it in his face until he backs down Well what if the lion takes that big paw and hooks the chair with them big claws and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then? I ll take that whip they all carry and I ll whip him and whip him until he backs down Well what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth and bites it in two? What you gonna do then? I ll take that gun they all carry and shoot him Well what if that gun doesn t work? What will you do then? I ll pick up some of the shit that s on the bottom of the cage and I throw it in his eyes and I run out of the cage Well what if there ain t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then? You ain t thinkin none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me and he throws the chair out of the cage and he bites the whip in two and my gun don t work there s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage You can bet on that

Rohit (tall and very thin) was standing at the bus stop Suddenly a car stops and a beautiful girl waves to him Rohit was surprised but he recognized her she was Jasmine an old batch mate but he wondered why she was calling him Because she never gave a drop to anyone in the college but anyhow he sat in the car and Jasmine gave him a warm welcome ( kaise ho kya kar rahe ho etc) Then Jasmine asked him to have coffee with her and now Rohit was surprised He gave consent Suddenly Jasmine says lets go to my house there are a lot of people in the cafe Rohit thought aab to mazaa aa jaaiga When they reach home Jasmine asks Rohit why don`t we sit in my bed room as the AC is only in that room Now Rohit was sure Jasmine phas gai hai and he starts dreaming about her As he entered the room Jasmine asked Rohit why don`t you take off your shirt you are sweating and Rohit again starts dreaming And Jasmine asks him to be comfortable and said I will back in a minute And Rohit was alone in the room thinking about Jasmine Then after five minutes Jasmine entered the room with her 2 children and told them Dekho bachon agar horlicks nahin piyoge to body iskei jaissi ho jaigi ( Children If you don`t drink horlicks your body`ll become like this)

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven where he meets the Lord Himself The Lord says to the cat You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable please let me know The cat thinks for a moment and says Lord all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor The Lord stops the cat and says Say no more and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and all of them go to heaven Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer The mice answer All our lives we have been chased We have had to run from cats dogs and even women with brooms Running running running; we`re tired of running Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don`t have to run anymore? The Lord says Say no more and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him How are things since you got here? The cat stretches and yawns then replies It is wonderful here Better than I could have ever expected And those Meals On Wheels you`ve been sending by are the best

Three Engineers and three Accountants are going on a business trip by train At the train station the 3 accountants are ordering 3 tickets while the engineers are only ordering one ticket The accountants ask Why only one ticket ? the engineers reply that they have a scheme to save money So they all board the train and upon departure the 3 engineers get into one bathroom When the Train Controller checks for tickets he takes the three tickets from the seated accountants and then knocks on the bathroom door asking Ticket please - the door opens slightly with a hand giving him one ticket A couple of minutes later the engineers come out of the bathroom and sit in empty seats making fun of the accountants On the way back not wanting to be outsmarted the accountants buy one ticket only but they notice that the engineers do not buy any so they ask You think you can ride free now? - the engineers reply that they now have an even better scheme to save money So they all board the train and upon departure the 3 accountants get into one bathroom and they see the 3 engineers all getting into the other one Shortly after departure one of the engineer gets out of its bathroom and knocks on the accountants bathroom door saying Ticket please

The lineage is now revealed Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says You don t know Jack Schitt but now you can handle this situation Jack is the only son of O Schitt and Awe Schitt O Schitt the fertilizer magnate married Awe Schitt the owner of Kneedeep N Schitt Inc In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt Fulla Schitt Giva Schitt Bull Schitt and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt Against her parents objections Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt a high school drop out After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Mr Scherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son Chicken Schitt Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg Byrd and Hoarse Bull Schitt the prodigal son left home to tour the world He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt

Ever wondered how a HR manager could write a love letter to his girlfriend? Dearest Ms Aparna Sub: Offer of Love I am very happy to Inform you that I have fallen In love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday) with reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of October (Wednesday) at 15:00hrs I would like to present myself as a prospective lover Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending upon compatibility it would be made permanent Upon completion of the probation there will be a continuous on-the-job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse The expenses Incurred for coffee and entertainment would be initially shared equally between us Later based on your performance I might take up a larger share of the expenses However I am broadminded enough to take care of your expenses account Request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter Failing which this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else I would be happy if you could forward this letter to your sister if you do not wish to take up this offer Wish you all the best Thanking you in anticipation Yours sincerely