Once there was a Accountant The business had been in the family for generations and generations Over time with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office the marble step in front of the building had developed a big deep dip in it from all the wear and tear His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced otherwise he`d be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell Reluctantly the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step `Hmmmm big job that` said the stonemason `But I suppose I could give you a new step for a ten thousand rupees ` The accountant was stunned `Are you mad man? I can`t pay you that much ` Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked: `What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I`d get a new step? The stonemason hesitated and said two thousand` `Do it ` demanded the accountant `and call me when you`re done ` The accountant went back inside to his books but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the bell As the accountant opened the door he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step laughing as he said `Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and fifty years ago `

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate During the course of the meal his mother couldn t help but notice how pretty his roommate was She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye Reading his mom s thoughts his son volunteered “I know what you must be thinking but I assure you we are just roommates About a week later his roommate came to him saying “Ever since your mother came to dinner I ve been unable to find the silver plate You don t suppose she took it do you? He said Well I doubt it but I ll email her just to be sure He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I m not saying that you ‘did take the silver plate from my house I m not saying that you ‘did not take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner Love your son Several days later he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son:I m not saying that you ‘do sleep with your roommate and I m not saying that you ‘do not sleep with her But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow… Love Mom

नौकरानी भागती-भागती आयी और बोली मालकिन! आपकी सास को बाहर तीन औरतें पीट रही हैं। मालकिन अपनी नौकरानी के साथ भाग कर बाहर आयी और चुप-चाप खड़ी होकर तमाशा देखने लगी। नौकरानी: मालकिन! आप मदद के लिए नहीं जाएँगी? मालकिन: नहीं उसके लिए तीन ही काफी हैं।

नौकरानी भागती-भागती आयी और बोली मालकिन! आपकी सास को बाहर तीन औरतें पीट रही हैं। मालकिन अपनी नौकरानी के साथ भाग कर बाहर आयी और चुप-चाप खड़ी होकर तमाशा देखने लगी। नौकरानी: मालकिन! आप मदद के लिए नहीं जाएँगी? मालकिन: नहीं उसके लिए तीन ही काफी हैं।

An Indian was sitting with a Pakistani and a Malaysian in Saudi Arabia sharing a smuggled barrel of beer when all of a sudden Saudi police entered and arrested them They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life But as it was a national holiday the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip As they were preparing for their punishment the Sheikh suddenly said It`s my first wife`s birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping So the Malaysian guy thought for a while and then said Please be tieing a pillow to my back This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through The Pakistani guy watching the scene said Please fix two pillows on my back But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again Before the Indian fellow could say something the Sheikh turned to him and said: As you are from a small country and your football team and your golfers are terrible and your women skinny (Saudis love fat women)you can have two wishes Thank you Most Royal and Merciful Highness the Indian replies My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes If you so desire the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face and your second wish? Tie the Pakistani to my back the Indian answers

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt The driver a man dressed in an Armani suit Cerutti shoes Ray-Ban sunglasses TAG-Heuer wrist watch and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd If I can tell you how many sheep you have will you give me one of them? The shepherd looks at the young man then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies Ok The young man parks the car connects his laptop to the mobile-fax enters a NASA Website scans the ground using his GPS opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer turns to the shepherd and says You have exactly 1 586 sheeps The shepherd cheers That s correct you can have your sheep The young man takes one of the animals from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche The shepherd looks at him and asks If I guess your profession will you return my animal to me? The young man answers Yes why not? The shepherd says You are an auditor How did you know? asks the young man Very simple answers the shepherd Firstly you came here without being wanted Secondly you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew Thirdly you don t understand anything about my business Now can I have my DOG back?

संता (बंता से): और सुना यार बीवी से झगड़ा खत्म हुआ या नही
बंता: अबे घुटनों पर चल कर आयी थी मेरे पास घुटनों पर
संता: क्या बात कर रहा है सच में..
बंता: और नहीं तो क्या।
संता: फिर क्या बोली?
बंता: बोली बेड के नीचे से बाहर आ जाओ, पक्का अब नही मारुंगी

A Husband Shopping Center was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to be her husband It was laid out in five floors with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors The only rule was that once you opened the door to any floor you must choose a man from that floor and if you went up a floor you couldn t go back down except to leave the place So a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men First floor the door had a sign saying: These men have jobs and love kids The women read the sign and say: Well that s better than not having jobs or not loving kids but I wonder what s further up? So up they go Second floor says: These men have high paying jobs love kids and are extremely good looking Hmmm say the girls But I wonder what s further up? Third floor: These men have high paying jobs are extremely good looking love kids and help with the housework Wow say the women Very tempting BUT there s more further up And so again they go up Fourth floor: These men have high paying jobs love kids are extremely good looking help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak Oh mercy me But just think? What must be awaiting us further on? So up to the fifth floor they go The sign on that door said: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please Thank you for shopping and have a nice day

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice The voice tells him Quit your job sell your house take your money and go to Vegas The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice The next day when he gets home from work the same thing happens The voice tells him Quit your job sell your house take your money and go to Vegas Again the man ignores the voice though he is very troubled by the event Every day day after day the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work: Quit your job sell your house take your money and go to Vegas Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset Finally after two weeks he succumbs to the pressure He does quit his job sells his house and takes his money and heads to Vegas The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas the voice tells him Go to Harrah’s So he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah’s As soon as he sets foot in the casino the voice tells him Go to the roulette table The man does as he is told When he gets to the roulette table the voice tells him Put all your money on 17 Nervously the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17 The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel Around and around the ball caroms The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number 21 The voice says Shit

Hamare Purush Users Ne Hhumse Poochha Hai Ki Jeevan Mein Premika Ke Hone Ke Kya Phaayde Hain Atah Aaj Hum Batayenge Ki Jeeven Mein Girlfriend Hone Ke Kya-Kya Faayde Hain 1 Doston Mein Aapki Izzat Bad Jaati Hai Ye Jeevan Ka Ek Kadva Sach Hai Bhakton Aajkal Usi Ladke Ki Har Koi Izzat Karta Hai Jiski Girlfriend Hoti Hai Bina Girlfriend Waalo Ko Koi Nahi Poochhta Hai 2 Aap Apne Dil Ka Dard Usse Share Kar Sakte Hain: Apne Dil Ka Dard Karne Ke Liye Aapke Paas Ek Sachha Saathi Hota Hai (Kintu Sachhai Toh Yah Hai Ki Jiske Pass Girlfriend Hoti Hai Uska Hi Dimaag Hamesha Kharaab Rehta Hai) 3 Aapki Har Baat Maanne Waala Koi Aapke Paas Hota Hai: Girlfrind Banane Se Aapke Paas Ek Aisa Insaan Ho Jaata Hai Jo Aapki Har Baat Maanta Hai (Kintu Bada Waala Sach Toh Yah Hai Ki Hota Iska Ulta Hai Aur Hamesha Ladke Hi Joru Ke Ghulaam Bane Rehte Hain) 4 Aapke Bigadne Ka Khatra Nahi Rahta:Ladko Ke Ghar Waale Hamesha Chintit Rehte Hain Ki Kahin Unka Ladka Bigad Naa Jaaye Kintu Sach Ye Hai Ki Ek Baar Ladke Ki Girlfriend Ban Jaaye Ton Phir Bigadne Ke Liye Aur Kuch Nahi Rehta 5 Facebook Mein Aapke Post Danadan Like Hote Hain: Jee Haan Yadi Aapke Paas Girlfriend Ho Toh Aap Facebook Mein Jo Kuch Bhi Daalenge Wo Like Zaroor Kiya Jaata Hai Sabse Pehle Aapki Girlfriend Use Like Aur Comment Karegi Uske Baad Ladki Ka Comment Dekhkar Aapke Sabhi Dost Bhi Usmein Comment Karne Ko Betaab Hue Jaayenge

तलाक के बाद जज ने मुस्लिम जोडे से कहा
अब तुम दोनों स्वतंत्र हो कोई रिश्ता न रहा
पति- अब हम आजाद हैं सारे रिश्ते खत्म
पत्नी ऐसा न बोलिए मैं आपकी चचेरी बहन तो रहूंगी ही
खून का रिश्ता कोई नहीं तोड सकता भाईजान
आज से मुन्ना आपको मामू कहेगा

एक आदमी नदी मे डूब रहा था। वो जोर जोर से चिल्लाया
गणेश जी बचाओ, गणेश जी बचाओ
गणेश जी आए ओर नदी किनारे नाच ने लगे
आदमी :प्रभु आप नाच क्यों रहे हो मुझे बचाओ
गणेश जी मुस्कुराते हुए बोले तू भी तो मेरे विसर्जन मे बहुत नाच रहा था
अता माझी सटकली

There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat One day the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian who said: Well your horse has a virus He must take this medicine for three days I ll come back on the 3rd day and if he s not better we re going to have to put him down Nearby the goat listened closely to their conversation The next day they gave him the medicine and left The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong my friend Get up or else they re going to put you to sleep On the second day they gave him the medicine and left The goat came back and said: Come on buddy get up or else you re going to die Come on I ll help you get up Let s go One two three On the third day they came to give him the medicine and the vet said: Unfortunately we re going to have to put him down tomorrow Otherwise the virus might spread and infect the other horses After they left the goat approached the horse and said: Listen pal it s now or never Get up come on Have courage Come on Get up Get up That s it slowly Great Come on one two three Good good Now faster come on Fantastic Run run more Yes Yay Yes You did it you re a champion All of a sudden the owner came back saw the horse running in the field and began shouting: It s a miracle My horse is cured We must have a grand party Let s Cook the goat Lesson: Management never knows which employee actually deserves the appraisal

ARIES: Dear God Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW TAURUS: Well I prefer natural light if at all possible Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful GEMINI: Yo God (or is it Goddess?) Who are you? What are you? Where are You? How many of you ARE there? I can t figure you out CANCER: Dear Daddy I know I shouldn t depend on you so much but you re the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners LEO: Hi Pop I ll bet you re really proud to have me as your kid VIRGO:Dear God please make the world a better place and don t screw it up like you did the last time LIBRA:Dear God I know I should make decisions for myself But on the other hand what do YOU think? SCORPIO: Dear God help me forgive my enemies even if the bastards don t deserve it SAGITTARIUS:OH ALMIGHTY ALL KNOWING ALL-LOVING ALL-POWERFUL OMNIPRESENT EVERLASTING GOD IF I VE ASKED YOU ONCE I VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES - HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING CAPRICORN: Dear Father I was going to pray but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself Thanks anyway AQUARIUS: Hi God Some say you re a man Some say you re a woman I say we re ALL God So why pray? Let s have a party PISCES: Heavenly Father as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory

A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him You are driving me crazy Hameed One day Hameed s mother came into school to check on how he was doing The teacher told his mother honestly that her son is simply a disaster getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school even moved to another town 25 years later the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform Left with no other options the teacher decided to have the operation which was successful When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her She wanted to thank him but could not talk Her face started to turn blue she raised her hand trying to tell him something but eventually died The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in the clinic who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover If you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor its because you have been watching too many hindi movies or have been reading too many motivational books