A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for Easter dinner This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole The gas pains are almost making her eyes water Left with no other choice she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart It wasn t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed her boyfriend s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman s chair and said in a rather stern voice Skippy The woman thought This is great and a big smile came across her face A couple of minutes later she was beginning to feel the pain again This time she didn t even hesitate She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip The father again looked and the dog and yelled Dammit Skippy Once again the woman smiled and thought Yes A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip This time she didn t even think about it She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing Once again the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled Dammit Skippy get away from her before she shits on you

Santa Claus needed a vacation He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly As soon as he arrived in town people began to point and say Look The big red one Isn t he someone famous? Santa thought Gee I ll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want So he decided to disguise himself He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat No one will know me now I look just like everyone else he thought happily As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say Look It s that famous Christmas personality Santa rushed around a corner to hide It s my beard he thought They recognize me because of my long white beard So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off I really look like everybody else now Santa thought So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face Suddenly a man shouted It s him It s him Look everybody Santa couldn t believe it He was sure that no one would recognize him So Santa walked up to the man and said How did you recognize me? The man looked at Santa and said You? I don t know you but isn t that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?

Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants and as I finished I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around I went on to ask Why is she not attending the weekly status call? I don t login to facebook youtube etc at my personal internet connection at home thinking it will be blocked any way Till I realize that I am at home Once after talking to one of my friends I ended the conversation saying Ok bye in case of any issues will call you back Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile I hope for a second maybe it s in the recycle bin Once I went to a pharmacy and asked for a tab Pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg? I replied 256mb Thank god he didn t notice And I after a hectic week went to a movie In the middle of the movie when I wanted to check the time I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen So avoid working so hard Have a great work-life balance Lastly Height Of Work Pressure: An employee opens his tiffin box on the road side to see whether he is going to office or coming back from office

One fine day a bus driver went to the bus garage started his bus and drove off along the route No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on a few got off and things went generally well At the next stop however a big hulk of a Pathan got on Six feet four built like a wrestler arms hanging down to the ground He glared at the conductor and said Pathan doesn t pay and sat down at the back Conductor didn t argue with Pathan but he wasn t happy about it The next day the same thing happened – Pathan got on again made a show of refusing to pay and sat down And the next day and the next This grated on the bus driver who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor Finally he could stand it no longer He signed up for body building courses karate judo and all that good stuff By the end of the summer he had become quite strong; what s more he felt really good about himself So on the next Monday when Pathan once again got on the bus and said Pathan doesn t pay The driver stood up glared back at Pathan and screamed And why not? With a surprised look on his face Pathan replied Pathan has a bus pass Management Lesson: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH He thinks to himself This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over Approaching the car the officer notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts The driver obviously confused says to him Officer I don t understand I was doing exactly the speed limit What seems to be the problem? Ma am the officer replies you weren t speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers Slower than the speed limit? No sir I was doing the speed limit exactly Twenty- two miles an hour the old woman says a bit proudly The Police officer trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number not the speed limit A bit embarrassed the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error But before I let you go Ma am I have to ask is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven t muttered a single peep this whole time the officer asks with concern Oh they ll be all right in a minute officer We just got off Route 119

One fine day a bus driver went to the bus garage started his bus and drove off along the route No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on a few got off and things went generally well At the next stop however a big hulk of a guy got on Six feet eight built like a wrestler arms hanging down to the ground He glared at the driver and said Big John doesn t pay and sat down at the back Oh did I mention that the driver was five feet three thin and basically meek? Well he was Naturally he didn t argue with Big John but he wasn t happy about it The next day the same thing happened Big John got on again made a show of refusing to pay and sat down And the next day and the one after that and so forth This grated on the bus driver who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him Finally he could stand it no longer He signed up for body building courses karate judo and all that good stuff By the end of the summer he had become quite strong; what s more he felt really good about himself So on the next Monday when Big John once again got on the bus and said Big John doesn t pay The driver stood up glared back at the passenger and screamed And why not? ? With a surprised look on his face Big John replied Big John has a bus pass

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax The guy went to a farm and after a couple of days he was very bored so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city working the whole life sitting in an office it will take over a week to finish the job but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 300 chickens The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job but at the end of the day the job was done The next morning as most of the jobs in the farm were done the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes and one box with big potatoes At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag but the two boxes were empty The farmer asked the manager How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days and now you cannot do this simple job? The manager answered Listen all my life I m cutting heads and dealing with shit but now you ask me to make decisions

एक आदमी: तुम्हारा इस लड़के से क्या रिश्ता है? लड़का: जी! बहुत दूर का रिश्ता है। आदमी: फिर भी क्या रिश्ता है? लड़का: जी! वह मेरा सगा भाई है। आदमी: तो तुम इसे दूर का रिश्ता क्यों बताते हो? लड़का: क्योंकि इसके और मेरे बीच सात भाई और हैं।

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax The guy went to a farm and after a couple of days he was very bored so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city working the whole life sitting in an office it will take over a week to finish the job but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job but at the end of the day the job was done The next morning as most of the jobs in the farm were done the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes and one box with big potatoes At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag but the two boxes were empty The farmer asked the manager How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days and now you cannot do this simple job? The manager answered Listen all my life I m cutting heads and dealing with crap but now you ask me to make decisions

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because the waitress s there have low cut blouses and nice breasts br> 10 years later at 50 years of age the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also br> 10 years later at 60 years of age the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free br> 10 years later at 70 years of age the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator br> 10 years later at 80 years of age the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the White Spot restaurant because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax The guy went to a farm and after a couple of days he was very bored so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city working the whole life sitting in an office it will take over a week to finish the job but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job but at the end of the day the job was done The next morning as most of the jobs in the farm were done the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes and one box with big potatoes At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag but the two boxes were empty The farmer asked the manager How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days and now you cannot do this simple job? The manager answered: Listen all my life I m cutting heads and dealing with crap but now you ask me to make decisions

If you kiss her you are not a gentleman If you don`t you are not a man If you praise her she thinks you are lying If you don`t you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes you are a wimp If you don`t you are not understanding If you visit her often she thinks you are boring If you don`t she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed she says you are a playboy If you don`t you are a dull boy If you are jealous she says it`s bad If you don`t she thinks you do not love her If you attempt a romance she says you didn`t respect her If you don`t she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late she complains it`s hard to wait If she is late she says that`s a girl`s way If you visit another man you`re not putting in quality time If she is visited by another woman oh it`s natural we are girls If you kiss her once in a while she professes you are cold If you kiss her often she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street you lack ethics If you do she thinks it`s just one of men`s tactics for seduction If you stare at another woman she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men she says that they are just admiring If you talk she wants you to listen If you listen she wants you to talk

A 21-year-old girl saunters into a prestigious car showroom looks around all the Porsches Ferrari s and Lamborghini s before deciding on a top-end Red Porsche I ll pay cash she says and hands over a bagful of Twenties The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away Two days later she s back fuming I want my money back it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales-manager decides to ride in the car with her in case she ain t driving it properly He gets in and she roars out of the dealership drops it into second gear at 50 mph floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate 110 mph in 4th 140 in 5th the engine s roaring like a Lion with toothache and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 170 mph The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat In the distance to his relief the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks ) but no she floors it and the revometer climbs higher 100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier So can you smell it? she says SMELL IT? HONEY I M SITTING IN IT

In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle In prison: You get three meals a day At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it In prison: You get time off for good behavior At work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself In prison: You can watch TV and play games At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games In prison: You get your own toilet At work: You have to share In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic At work: They are called supervisors In prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes At work: You get fired if you get caught

Some fun facts about Indians and Indian Mentality 1 Always order soup 1 by 2 That way you get more if you had ordered 1 soup with an extra bowl 2 When ordering sugar cane juice first insist on no ice cubes However after the first few sips ask for the ice cubes with a straight face 3 Ask for extra puri when you are just finishing your bhel or sev-puri It is absolutely ok 4 Ask for pani after finishing Gol-gappa It is good for health 5 Ask for free cucumber / boiled aloo after you have eaten and paid for your sandwich Remember after you have paid 6 Sample all the ice cream flavours free at Natural Ice Cream and then order Sitaphal 7 When buying peanuts or groundnuts or Chana-Chor-Garam it is ok to keep on munching freebies from the display area till the time your order is getting packed It is your birthright 8 At most Mughlai restaurants you can make a small meal with the free Papad peanuts onions pickles and chutney so you can skip the starters 9 Always ask for free sherbet after you have super sucked your Kala Khatta Gola back into ice 10 It is absolutely ok to pocket the free toothpicks mint packets and fenugreek seeds served at restaurants - to be used later while walking down to catch the cab rickshaw bus train or car 11 Lastly do not forget to give MISSED CALL after you reach