एक व्यक्ति कौन बनेगा करोड़पति में हिस्सा लेने गया! अमिताभ बच्चन: आपके लिये पहला सवाल कौन सी एयरलाइन बहुत आर्थिक पेरशानी के कारण बंद है? और आपके पास ये चार विकल्प (Options) मौजूद हैं: 1. जेट एयरवेज़ 2. इंडिगो एयरलाइन्स 3. किंगफ़िशर एयरलाइन्स 4. स्पाइस जेट संता: इसका उत्तर है 3 नंबर किंगफ़िशर एयरलाइन्स! अमिताभ बच्चन: फिर से सोच लें क्या किया जाये? संता: ताला लगाएं। अमिताभ बच्चन: कंप्यूटर जी किंगफ़िशर एयरलाइन को ताला लगाया जाये।
एक लड़के ने अपने पास की ही सीट पर बैठी एक सुंदर सी लड़कीको देख रहा था। थोड़ी देर बाद उसने एक पेपर निकाला और लिखा- I LOVE YOU क्या तुम भी मुझे प्यार करती हो? और लड़की को दे दिया। लड़की ने पढ़ कर मना कर दिया और पेपर उसे लौटा दिया। थोड़ी देर मायूस होने के बाद उसने ये पेपर पास में ही बैठी एक दूसरी लड़की को दे दिया और उसने हां कर दी। इस कहानी का सार- जैसा आप सोच रहे हो वैसा बिल्कुल नहीं। . . . धरती को बचाओ एक ही पेपर को कई बार इस्तेमाल करो।
1. भारत में 80% लोग दूध नहीं पीते। 2. यु.के. में अब तक जुड़वा बच्चे पैदा नहीं हुए। 3. नेपाल में टाईगर इंसानो के साथ सोते हैं। 4. साँप को अगर हवा में फ़ेंका जाये तो वह 10 सेकेण्ड तक उड़ सकता है। 5. ज़ेबरा का दिल नहीं होता। 6. बंदर चाईनिज ज़ुबान समझ सकते हैं। 7. हाथी के दुम के 1 बाल से एक वक्त में 3 मोबाइल की बैटरी चार्ज कर सकते हैं। 8. ये सब पॉइंट गलत हैं। हम खाली बैठे टाइम पास कर रहे थे। ध्यान से पढ़ने का शुक्रिया...आप भी शेयर करके टाइम पास कर सकते हैं।
The Indian media as well as social media is buzzing with complaints about John Abraham and Gaurav Kapoor s presence in the Sony Six studio for the FIFA World Cup pre-game show Cafe Rio Here are some of the funniest reactions on social media: The world sends actual players to the World Cup India home to 1 billion people sends Gaurav Kapoor and John Abraham as commentators Gaurav Kapoor hosting FIFA World and JohnAbraham as football pundit What next?? Sidhu as Cheerleader doing samba??? Does India deserve to be 154th in FIFA rankings? If John Abraham is the best you can get for the WorldCup pre-match show then YES India s football expert - John Abraham India s football rank - 154 Jago India Jago Please show Gaurav Kapoor a red card What wrong have we done to deserve watching Gaurav Kapoor John Abraham talk football at 2AM? Gaurav Kapoor wasting time energy on the show while Samir Kocchar has already reached the stadium selling Chana Moongfali Paani Pouch Not looking good for Gaurav kapoor any time siddhu will appear out of nowhere and shout khatak in his ears Just emailed a clip from last night s SonySix` Cafe Rio to FIFA Hopefully they will ban the show When you don t understand the difference between IPL and World Cup football Cafe Rio happens IPL and WC are temporary Gaurav Kapoor is permanent Gaurav Kapoor I don t think we have a casting couch in India otherwise why something like Gaurav was sent Gaurav Kapoor never trended during the entire IPL7 season but he trended on the very 1st day of World Cup That awkward moment when you prefer DD sports to the Sony Six for live telecast of the match because John and Gaurav I agree Indians are not much passionate about FIFA as much as other countries But that doesn t mean that Gaurav Kapoor will host anything - Omar Abdullah Gaurav Kapur John Abraham on Cafe Rio is like Robert Vadra Rahul Gandhi discussing economics still shocked Damn Gaurav missing Sidhus laughter track on his dumb jokes After seeing John Abraham and Gaurav Kapoor football has been renamed as footLOL Gaurav Kapoor makes as much sense while talking about football as Shakti Kapoor makes while talking about feminism Cafe Rio is the worst thing to happen to the Football since John Abraham s film Goal John abrahim World Cup panel cause he did Movie Goal Waiting for SRK to be on panel of Next NASA launch cause he did Swades
एक बार एक सुंदर सी निजी सचिव गुस्से में अपने प्रबंधक के कमरे से बाहर निकली तो उसकी एक सहेली ने उस से पूछा अरे क्या हुआ तू गुस्से में क्यों है? सचिव: जब मैं अन्दर गयी तो बॉस ने मुझे बड़े प्यार से कुर्सी पर बैठने के लिए कहा। सहेली: फिर? सचिव: फिर उन्होंने बड़े प्यार से मुझ से पूछा की क्या मैं आज शाम को फ्री हूँ। सहेली:फिर ? सचिव: मैंने खुशी के मारे हां कर दी...और... सहेली : और? सचिव: और क्या....उस कम्बख्त ने मुझे 500 पेज टाइप करने को दे दिए।
एक लड़का स्कूल में नया-नया दाख़िल हुआ। अध्यापक ने उससे बोला कि कहो A । पर लड़का कुछ नहीं बोला। अध्यापक ने बहुत कोशिश की पर लड़के के मुंह से A नहीं निकला। क्लास ख़तम होने के बाद अध्यापक ने उससे पूछा क्या तुम इतने नालायक हो कि तुम A नहीं कह सकते। लड़के ने उत्तर दिया नहीं सर ऐसी बात नहीं है। कह तो सकता हूँ फिर आप B कहलवाते फिर C और D । फिर अक्षरों को मिला कर शब्द बनवाते और शब्दों से वाक्य। इतनी मेहनत कौन करता। इसलिए मैंने A ही नहीं कहा।
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the weather The day was so nice that the rabbit became careless so a fox sneaked up to her and caught her I am going to eat you for lunch said the fox Wait replied the rabbit You should at least wait a few days Oh yeah? Why should I wait? Well I am just finishing my Ph D thesis Hah that`s a stupid excuse What is the title of your thesis anyway? I am writing my thesis on `The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves ` Are you crazy? I should eat you right now Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit Not really not according to my reserch If you like you can come to my hole and read it for yourself If you are not convinced you can go ahead and have me for lunch You are really crazy But since the fox was curious and nothing to lose it went with the rabbit into its hole The fox never came back out A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to eat her Wait yelled the rabbit you cannot eat me right now And why might that be you fuzzy appetizer? I am almost finished writing my Ph D thesis on `The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit Maybe I shouldn`t eat you you really are sick in the head you might have something contagious the wolf opined Come read for yourself you can eat me after that if you disagree with my conclusions So the wolf went to the rabbit`s hole and never came out The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the lettuce fields Another rabbit came by and asked What`s up? You seem to be very happy Yup I just finished my dissertation Congratulations What is it about? It is titled `The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves Are you sure? That doesn`t sound right Oh yes you should come over and read it for yourself So they went together to the rabbit`s hole As they went in the friend saw a typical graduate student abode albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis The computer with the controversial dissertation was in one corner on the right there was a pile of fox bones on the left was a pile of wolf bones and in the middle was a large lip-licking lion The moral of the story: The title of your dissertation doesn`t matter All that matters is who your thesis advisor is
एक बार एक अमीर आदमी एक लड़की के प्यार में पड़ गया और हर हालत में उससे शादी करना चाहता था। एक दिन उसने लड़की के पिता के आगे शादी का प्रस्ताव रख दिया कि अगर आप अपनी बेटी की शादी मेरे साथ करवा दें तो मैं उसके वजन के बराबर आपको सोना दूंगा। यह सुनकर लड़की के पिता कुछ सोच में पड़ गए और सोचने के बाद बोले कि आप मुझे कुछ समय दीजिये। आदमी: कुछ दिन और क्या आप कुछ और सोचना चाहते हैं? पिता: नहीं सोचना तो कुछ नहीं बस मेरी बेटी का वजन थोडा बढ़ जाये!
एक लड़के को एक लड़की से प्यार हो गया लेकिन लड़की ने उसे ठुकरा दिया। लड़के ने कहा कि तुम 10 दिन के अंदर मुझसे मोहब्बत का इक़रार करोगी। और लड़का दिन-रात बारिश में धूप में उसके घर के सामने खड़ा रहा। 9 दिन के बाद लड़की को सच में लड़के की मोहब्बत का एहसास हो गया। उसने सोचा सुबह प्यार का इक़रार करुँगी। अगले दिन सुबह जब लड़की लड़के से मिलने गयी तो उसे वहाँ लड़का नहीं मिला पर एक कागज़ मिला। जिस पर लिखा था सॉरी तेरे चक्कर में तेरी बहन सेट हो गयी है।
लड़की: अम्मी मैं शादी नहीं करुँगी और अगर ज़बरदस्ती तुम ने मेरी शादी की तो घर से भाग जाउंगी। माँ रोते हुए बोली बेटी मैंने भाग के तेरे अब्बा के साथ शादी की तेरी खाला और बहन ने भाग के शादी की तेरा भाई नौकरानी के साथ और तेरे चाचा धोबन के साथ भाग गया तेरी फूफू सब्जी वाले के साथ और तेरी मौसी की बेटी दूधवाले के साथ भाग गयी तेरा बाप दो बार पड़ोसन के साथ भाग चुका है अब तू भी भाग जायेगी तो . . . . . . . . . हमारी क्या इज्ज़त रह जायेगी कुछ ख्याल कर ।
अगर आप पत्नी और कामवाली बाई के बीच के वार्तालाप पर गौर करें तो काफी सारे वन-लाइनर्स ऐसे होते हैं मानो एक प्रेमिका अपने प्रेमी से बात कर रही हो। जैसे कि... सुनो कल टाइम से आ जाना हाँ। कल दो बार आ जाना देखो मैं इंतज़ार करूंगी धोखा मत दे देना ऐन टाइम पे। मैं कब से तुम्हारा इंतज़ार कर रही थी। आज बहुत देर कर दी कल थोड़ा जल्दी आ जाना। और सबसे क्लासिक देखो जब भी छोड़ना हो तो पहले से बता देना एकदम से मत छोड़ना ताकि मैं दूसरा इंतजाम कर सकूं।
अगर आप पत्नी और कामवाली बाई के बीच के वार्तालाप पर गौर करें तो काफी सारे वन-लाइनर्स ऐसे होते हैं मानो एक प्रेमिका अपने प्रेमी से बात कर रही हो। जैसे कि... सुनो कल टाइम से आ जाना हाँ। कल दो बार आ जाना देखो मैं इंतज़ार करूंगी धोखा मत दे देना ऐन टाइम पे। मैं कब से तुम्हारा इंतज़ार कर रही थी। आज बहुत देर कर दी कल थोड़ा जल्दी आ जाना। और सबसे क्लासिक देखो जब भी छोड़ना हो तो पहले से बता देना एकदम से मत छोड़ना ताकि मैं दूसरा इंतजाम कर सकूं।
Operator: Hello Domino s Customer: Hello can you please take my order? Operator: Can I have your multi purpose Aadhar card number first Sir? Customer: Yeah Hold on My number is 889861356102049998-45-54610 Operator: OK you re Mr Singh and you re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu Your home number is 40942366 your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566 You are calling from you home number now Customer: (Astonished) How did you get all my phone numbers? Operator: We are connected to the system Sir Customer: I wish to order your Seafood Pizza Operator: That s not a good idea Sir Customer: How come? Operator: According to your medical records you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level sir Customer: What? What do you recommend then? Operator: Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza You ll like it Customer: How do you know for sure? Operator: You borrowed a book titled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week sir Customer: OK I give up Give me three family size ones then Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10 Sir The total is Rs 2 450 Customer: Can I pay by credit card? Operator: I m afraid you have to pay us cash Sir Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs 1 51 758 since October last year That s not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives Operator: You can t Sir Based on the records you ve exhausted even your overdraft limit Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas I ll have the cash ready How long is it gonna take anyway? Operator: About 45 minutes Sir but if you can t wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle Customer: What? Operator: According to the details in the system you own a motorcycle registration number 1123 Customer: ???? (hmmm these guys know my motorcyle number too ) Operator: Is there anything else sir? Customer: Nothing by the way aren t you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised? Operator: We normally would sir but based on your records you re also diabetic In the best interest of your health we are holding this offer for you Customer: (now pissed) ***% %% You %% ))) Operator: Better mind your language sir Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs 5 000 for using abusive language against a policeman ? Customer faints
Akshay- Hi everyone Shahid- Hi over acting ki dukaan Akshay- Saif- Kareena- Hi Saifu Love you Shahid lefts the group Bipasha- haha bechara how r u friends ? John- hey m fine miss u how s u ? Bipasha lefts the group Akshay- Arre yaar bahut boring ho raha hai Ajay- Kyun ? Tees maar khan dekhi kya ? Akshay- Nahi Teri Himmatwala dekhi Ajay was removed from group Ashwariya- Nice to meet u all Thanks for adding in this group Salman- Miss toh humne bhi bahot kiya aapko Ashwariya- Hi who are u ? Salman: Akshay- kya Sallu bhai bahot emotional ho rahe ho Ashwariya lefts the group Salman- Vivek- koun hai Tu ? Kyun ro raha hai ? Salman- mujh par ek ehsaan karna ke mujh par koi ehsaan mat karna Vivek lefts group Amitabh- hahaha arre Akki hamare zamane ke actors hai ki nahi is group mein ? Akshay- Haan hai na Rekha ji hai Amitabh lefts the group Chunky- Bas karo yaar sab group Kyun chodd rahe hai ? Saif- chunky ko kaun add kiya ? Chunky- Salman- Govinda- Aap sabko Govinda ka namaskar Shakti Kapoor- Aau mere Raja babu aapko bhi namaskar Shakti Kapoor was removed from group Shahrukh- Kyun nikala usko group se? Akshay- Sorry galti se add huva Vulgar members not allowed Salman- Shahrukh ko Kyun add kiya ? Shahrukh- Tera kya ja raha hai ? Salman- sahi se reh nahi toh maar khayega Shahrukh- Jyada natak mat kar Akki- Ladai bandh karo varna dono ko group se bahar nikal dunga Suniel- Akki bhai Hera Pheri 3 ki shooting Kab shuru hogi ? Akki- Tuje liya hai kya film mein Suniel- Hrithik- Hi Anna Aaj Kal filmon mein dikhai nahi dete Suniel- jabse Krissh dekhi hai filmon mein kaam karne ka mann nahi karta Madhuri- Hello Friends Meri Gulabi Gang film aa rahi hai zarur dekna Juhi- yes friends zarur dekna main bhi hun Alia bhatt- Ha ha koi nahi dekega Raveena- Akki bachchiyon ko kyun add kiya group mein? Sunny leone- only adults allowed Saif- oye Sunny Leone bhi hai kya ? Kareena lefts the group Sunny Leone was removed from group Sunny deol added in group Akki- Hi Dhai kilo wale haath Sunny Deol- Action hero se mazak? Suniel- main hun action hero Akki- main hun Salman- Action ka dusra naam Salman khan John- I am Action hero Rajnikant- Munna jhund mein toh suvar aate hai sher akela aata hai John- Kaun Tu ? Rajnikant- Yenna raskala mind it Sunny- Kaun hai yeh Akki ?? Bata na Akki- Rajnikant sir Sunny deol lefts the group Hrithik lefts the group John lefts the group Saif lefts the group Salman lefts the group Shahrukh lefts the group
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FROM: Human Resources It has been brought to management s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended this type of language will be no longer tolerated We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers Therefore a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees SO TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late INSTEAD OF: When the hell do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING: I m certain that is not feasible INSTEAD OF: No fuckin way TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You ve got to be shitting me TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit TRY SAYING: Of course I m concerned INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit TRY SAYING: I wasn t involved in the project INSTEAD OF: It s not my frigging problem TRY SAYING: That s interesting INSTEAD OF: What the hell? ? TRY SAYING: I m not sure I can implement this INSTEAD OF: Fuck it It won t work TRY SAYING: I ll try to schedule that INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn t you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares? TRY SAYING: He s not familiar with the problem INSTEAD OF: He s got his head up his ass TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die TRY SAYING: So you weren t happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass TRY SAYING: I m a bit overloaded at this moment INSTEAD OF: Fuck it I m on salary TRY SAYING: I don t think you understand INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass TRY SAYING: I love a challenge INSTEAD OF: This job sucks TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? TRY SAYING: I see INSTEAD OF: Blow me TRY SAYING: Yes we really should discuss it INSTEAD OF: Another darned meeting TRY SAYING: I don t think this will be a problem INSTEAD OF: I really don t give a shit TRY SAYING: He s somewhat insensitive INSTEAD OF: He s a frigging prick TRY SAYING: She s an aggressive go getter INSTEAD OF: She s a ball busting bitch TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training INSTEAD OF: You don t know what the hell you re doing
