A man in an automobile who was stopped by a policeman for speeding became very angry and called the traffic cop an ass After he had paid his fine the judge reproved him for what he had said to the officer Then I mustn`t call a policeman an ass? he said Certainly not said the judge You must not insult the police But you wouldn`t mind if I called an ass a policeman would you? Why no if it gives you satisfaction answered his honor with a slight smile The motorist turned to the man who had arrested him and said: Good-day policeman

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is Well said the drunk it looks like plastic and feels like rubber Let me have it said the lawyer Taking it he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger examining it closely Yes he finally said it does look like plastic and feel like rubber but I don`t know what it is Where did you get it? From my nose the drunk replied

After a trial had been going on for three days Harrison the man accused of committing the crimes stood up and approached the judge`s bench Your Honor I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk If you`re guilty why didn`t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience? he demanded Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated Well when the trial started I thought I was innocent but that was before I heard all the evidence against me

A man was speeding down the highway feeling secure in a group of cars that were all traveling at the same speed However as they passed a speed trap he got caught and was pulled over The officer handed him the citation and was about to walk awy when the man asked Officer I know I was speeding but I don`t think it`s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast so why did I get the ticket? Ever go fishing? the policeman asked the man Ummm yeah the driver replied The officer grinned and said Ever catch all the fish?

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter Fortunately the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his The neighbor happened to be a lawyer Incensed at the theft the butcher called up his neighbor and said Hey if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop would you be liable for the cost of the meat? The lawyer replied Of course how much was the roast? 7 98 A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for 7 98 Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: 150

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles His arm is not himself and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb Well put the judge replied Using your logic I sentence the defendant s arm to one year s imprisonment He can accompany it or not as he chooses The defendant smiled And with his lawyer s assistance he detached his artificial limb laid it on the bench and walked out

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles His arm is not himself and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb Well put the judge replied Using your logic I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment He can accompany it or not as he chooses The defendant smiled With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb laid it on the bench and walked out

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work The first said I think accountants are the easiest to operate on You open them up and everything inside is numbered The second said I think librarians are the easiest to operate on You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order The third said I like to operate on electricians You open them up and everything inside is color-coded The fourth one said I like to operate on lawyers They`re heartless spineless gutless and their heads and their ass are interchangeable

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer Did you actually see the accident? The witness Yes sir The lawyer How far away were you when the accident happened? The witness Thirty-one feet six and one quarter inches The lawyer (thinking he d trap the witness) Well sir will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance? The witness Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:The lawyer: Did you actually see the accident? The witness: Yes sir The lawyer: How far away were you when the accident happened? The witness: Thirty-one feet six and one quarter inches The lawyer (thinking he`d trap the witness): Well sir will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance? The witness: Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side His eyes fluttered open and he said “You`re beautiful ” and then he fell asleep again His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You`re cute ” Well the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute ” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? Lawyer said “The drugs are wearing off ”

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night when the Devil appeared before him The Devil told the lawyer I have a proposition for you You can win every case you try for the rest of your life Your clients will adore you your colleagues will stand in awe of you and you will make embarrassing sums of money All I want in exchange is your soul your wife s soul your children s souls the souls of your parents grandparents and parents-in-law and the souls of all of your friends and law partners The lawyer thought about this for a moment then asked So what s the catch?

A physician an engineer and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented The physician said Remember on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve making him the first surgeon Therefore medicine is the oldest profession The engineer replied But before that God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion and thus he was the first engineer Therefore engineering is an older profession than medicine Then the lawyer spoke up Yes he said But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?

Lawyer opened the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door ripping it off completely When the police arrived at the scene the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW Officer look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer he whined You lawyers are so materialistic you make me sick retorted the officer You re so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off Oh my gaaaad replied the lawyer finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was Where’s my Rolex?

A guy phones a law firm and says I want to speak to my lawyer The receptionist says I’m sorry but your lawyer died last week The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says I want to speak to my lawyer Once again the receptionist replies I’m sorry but your lawyer died last week The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say I want to speak to my lawyer Excuse me sir the receptionist says but this is third time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week Why do you keep calling? The guy replies Because I love hearing it