Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp The small one turns to the big one and says; I don t understand how you can be so much bigger than me We re the same age we were the same size as kids I just don t get it Well says the big alligator what have you been eating? Lawyers same as you replies the small alligator Hmm Well where do you catch them? Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp Same here How do you catch them? Well I crawl under a car and wait for someone to unlock the door Then I jump out bite em shake the s*** out of em and eat em Ah says the big alligator I think I see your problem See by the time you get done shakin the s*** out of a lawyer there s nothing left but lips and a briefcase

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge each agreed to hear the other s case The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant s table and admitted his guilt The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs They switched places The second judge admitted that he was speeding too Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him 250 and ordered him to pay court costs The second judge was furious I suspended your fine and costs but you threw the book at me he fumed The first judge looked at him and replied This is the second such case we ve had in here today Someone has to get tough about all this speeding

Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient The second one answered He s a lawyer One day at home he started to think about how much money he d screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants When he smelled the foul odour he had created he checked for the source Finding his trousers full of the stuff he thought he was leaking This caused him to go into shock and faint When he woke up he found he had fallen on his arm breaking it The first doctor asked He went mad because he broke an arm? The second medic answered No he went mad because he couldn t figure out how to sue himself

Recently a teacher a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates St Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven they would each have to answer one question St Peter addressed the teacher and asked What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it The teacher answered quickly That would be the Titanic St Peter let him through the gate St Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring Heaven didn t really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship? Fortunately for him the trash man had just seen the movie 1 228 he answered That s right You may enter St Peter turned to the lawyer Name them

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying You can`t take it with you After much thought and consideration he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed His plan: When he passed away he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven Several weeks after the funeral the deceased lawyer`s wife up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash Oh that old fool she exclaimed I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate Why are you eating grass? he asked one man We don`t have any money for food the poor man replied Oh come along with me then But sir I have a wife with two children Bring them along And you come with us too he said to the other man But sir I have a wife with six children the second man answered Bring them as well They all climbed into the car which was no easy task even for a car as large as the limo Once underway one of the poor fellows says Sir you are too kind Thank you for taking all of us with you The lawyer replied No problem the grass at my home is about two feet tall

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students If you were to give someone an orange how would you go about it? The student replied Here s an orange The professor was outraged No No Think like a lawyer The student then replied Okay I d tell him I hereby give and convey to you all and singular my estate and interests rights claim title claim and advantages of and in said orange together with all its rind juice pulp and seeds and all rights and advantages with full power to bite cut freeze and otherwise eat the same or give the same away with and without the pulp juice rind and seeds anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed or deeds instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding

A self-centered unbelieving man ok a lawyer died and was delivered into the devil`s hands You will be spending eternity here but I`ll let you pick your own room from three I`ll show you the devil said In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor I don`t like that said the man Show me the second In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor Well that`s better than brick the man said but show me the third In the third thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage all drinking coffee I`ll choose this room he said Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him Immediately the voice of a minor demon rang out O K coffee break is over back on your heads

A self-centered unbelieving man ok a lawyer died and was delivered into the devil`s hands You will be spending eternity here but I`ll let you pick your own room from three I`ll show you the devil said In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor I don`t like that said the man Show me the second In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor Well that`s better than brick the man said but show me the third In the third thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage all drinking coffee I`ll choose this room he said Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him Immediately the voice of a minor demon rang out O K coffee break is over back on your heads

One day a teacher a garbage collector and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven St Peter`s there and when they get to the gate St Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question To the teacher he says What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers? The teacher thinks for a sec and then replies That would have been the Titanic right? St Peter lets him through the gate St Peter turns to the Garbage man and figuring that Heaven doesn`t REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven decides to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship? The garbage man guesses: 1228 That happens to be right; go ahead St Peter turns to the Lawyer: Name them

A minister a lawyer and a boy scout are the only passengers on a small plane that develops engine problems The pilot emerges from the cockpit and announces “Real problems; going down can`t possibly land We must bail out But we only have 3 parachutes He reaches into the back of the plane and grabs one of the 3 chutes announcing I m a married man with 3 kids to support so I must save myself Out he bails The lawyer then yells I have the greatest mind on earth and the world can`t afford to lose my great intellect He struggles into the back and grabs for a chute Out he goes The elder minister smiles at the boy scout Son I ve lived much of my life already so why don`t you Nothing to worry about Reverend interrupts the scout the Greatest Mind on Earth just bailed out wearing my backpack

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything including their hot-blooded secretary One day the secretary announced she was pregnant They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter The day of delivery arrived Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room Finally one of them said I can t take this I m going down to sit in my car and wait there Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born The partner agreed to do that About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face What happened? asked the waiting car occupant The other partner announced They were twins and mine died

A redneck a preacher and a lawyer are traveling in a car when it breaks down in front of a farm They ask the farmer if they could spend the night The farmer said Sure but my guest room only has room for two One of you will have to sleep in the barn The preacher says I don t mind being with God s animals I will sleep in the barn An hour later there s a knock on the guest room door It s the preacher He says I can t stand that noisy chicken Could I switch with one of you? The redneck says There are always loud animals back in Alabama I can take it An hour later there s a knock on the guest room door It s the redneck He says I can t stand that smelly cow Could I switch with one of you? The lawyer says Well I guess that leaves me An hour later there s a knock on the door It s the chicken and the cow

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas Finally a reward was offered for his capture and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down After a lengthy search he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina snuck up behind him put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit s head and said You re under arrest Tell me where you hid the loot or I ll blow your brains out But the bandit didn t speak English and the Ranger didn t speak Spanish Fortunately a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger s message The terrified bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina What did he say? asked the Ranger The lawyer answered He said Get lost you turkey You wouldn t dare shoot me

The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant The owner says I am dying and I want to take my money with me At my funeral put these envelopes in my coffin So at the funeral the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the coffin But on the way home the lawyer felt bad and told the accountant that he had opened the envelope found one hundred thousand in cash and had taken fifty thousand out The lawyer had justified that as his fee but now he felt bad The accountant responded How could you have disregarded a dying man`s last request? How could you charge a fee of fifty percent? You should be ashamed of yourself Then the lawyer reacted What did you do? You gave him all his money? The accountant replied Yes I gave him all his money but I left a personal cheque for the full amount