A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman That s unfair he cried I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman Shut up barked the devil jabbing the man with his pitchfork Who are you to question that woman s punishment?
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean The lawyer said I`m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire The insurance company paid for everything That`s quite a coincidence said the engineer I`m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything The lawyer puzzedly asked How do you start a flood?
Two High Court lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills She was attractive and really hot but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life One attorney said to the other Our secretary is so young pretty and naive that she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys Why don t we teach her what s right and what s wrong? Great idea said the partner You teach her what s right
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation In their place they will use attorneys They have given three reasons for this decision: 1 There are now more attorneys than there are rats 2 The medical researchers don t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats 3 No matter how hard you try there are some things that rats won`t do
Seattle : Puffing on a cigarette is a bit like inhaling from the back end of a cow or being poisoned like a rat according to a new ad campaign sponsored by Washington state health officials Cigarette smoke contains methane a noxious gas “which just happens to be the main ingredient in cow farts ” and arsenic “the stuff they use to kill rats ” according to radio ads run by the Washington State Department of health
A lady had just finished doing her CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out As she left the shopping center she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him Screaming I know first aid she ran to the person threw her bag down loosened all tight clothing a got ready to start mouth-to-mouth At this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked Do you realize that I am trying to arrest this guy
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he s doing I m sending out 1 000 Valentine s Day cards signed Guess who? But why? asks the man I m a divorce lawye
A Lawyer was defending a man in court that had broken a window and stolen some jewlery The Lawyer decided to try a unique defense he told the judge that you shouldn`t punish the whole man for something that his arm did The judge thought for a minute then said Good point using your logic I will sentence the defendant`s arm to two year in prison he can accompany his arm or not At that the defendant came forward detached his artificial arm laid it on the bench and walked out
Counsel: Are you a qualified pathologist? Witness: Yes Counsel: On 21st June 2013 do you recall being at Regina Hospital in the evening? Witness: Yes Counsel: And do you recall examining a deceased person called Harold Schindler there at that time? Witness: Yes Counsel: Approximately what time did you start the autopsy? Witness: At about 7 30 p m Counsel: And Mr Schindler was dead at that time? Witness: No he was sitting on the table asking why I was doing an autopsy on him
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them His curiosity getting the better of him he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing The man says I`m sending out 1 000 Valentine cards signed `Guess who?` But why? asks the man I`m a divorce lawyer the man replies
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them His curiosity getting the better of him he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing The man says I`m sending out 1 000 Valentine cards signed `Guess who?` But why? asks the man I`m a divorce lawyer the man replies
A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom and he called to his wife She rushed in and said What is it honey? He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible Being a religious woman she thought this was a good idea She ran and got it prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages his eyes darting right and left The wife was curious so she asked What are you doing honey? He shouted I`m looking for loopholes
A guy phones a law office and says: I want to speak to my lawyer The receptionist replies I`m sorry but he died last week The next day he phones again and asks the same question The receptionist replies I told you yesterday he died last week The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week Why do you keep calling? The guy says Because I just love hearing it
A lawyer named Strange died and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone Here lies Strange an honest man and a lawyer The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing for passers by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer That way whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it they would be certain to remark: That`s Strange
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: To you my loving wife Rose who stood by me in rough times as well as good I leave her the house and 2 million The lawyer continued To my daughter Jessica who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going I leave her the yacht the business and 1 million The lawyer concluded And to my cousin Dan who hated me argued with me and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong Hi Dan
