After two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case the jury finally ended its hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks Has the jury reached a verdict in this case? Yes we have your honor the foreman responded Would you please pass it to me The judge declared as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him After the judge reads the verdict himself he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman Please read your verdict to the court We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery stated the foreman The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the not guilty verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude The defendant`s attorney turns to his client and asks So what do you think about that? The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says I`m real confused here Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?

Doctor tells a rich old man that he`s going to die if he doesn`t get a new heart soon The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available money is no problem A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from Well the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner never smoked ate only the most healthy foods was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus No damage to the heart of course But it costs 100 000 The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer high school kid Lean and mean Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool That heart will set you back 150 000 Okay said the old man what about the third heart? Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man smoked three packs of cigarettes a day weighed over 300 pounds never exercised drank like a fish this heart is going for 500 000 Five-hundred grand ? ? the old man exclaimed why so expensive? Well said the doctor this heart belonged to a lawyer so it was never used

The Law of Volunteering If you dance with a grizzly bear you had better let him lead The Law of Avoiding Oversell When putting cheese in a mousetrap always leave room for the mouse The Law of Common Sense Never accept a drink from a urologist The Law of Reality Never get into fights with ugly people they have nothing to lose The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger the tiger starves last Weiler`s Law Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn`t have to do it himself Law of Probable Dispersal Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed Law of Volunteer Labor People are always available for work in the past tense Conway`s Law In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on That person must be fired Iron Law of Distribution Them that has gets Law of Cybernetic Entomology There is always one more bug Law of Drunkedness You can`t fall off the floor Heller`s Law The first myth of management is that it exists Osborne`s Law Variables won`t; constants aren`t Main`s Law For every action there is an equal and opposite government program Best One Weinberg`s Second Law If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization

A tourist wandered into a dimly-lit old San Fransisco antiques shop down in china town Perusing the shelves he discovered an amazingly life-sized and life-like bronze sculpture of a rat He had to have it and asked the shopkeeper how much it cost 12 for the rat said the shopkeeper and 500 more for the fascinating story behind it Old man you can keep the story the tourist replied but I`ll take the rat As he left the store with the bronze rat two live rats emerged from the sewer and started following him The tourist looked over his shoulder and began walking faster but more and more rats started following him As people pointed and shouted the tourist was in a panic Walking faster and faster he soon began to run as the rats started appearing from old abandoned cars basements and sewers He ran as fast as he could to the waterfront as millions of squealing rats kept up with him With his last bastion of strength he scrambled up a lampost and with all his might hurled the bronze rat far out into the bay whereupon the squealing rats surged over the breakwater into the sea and drowned Gathering himself together he trundled back to the shop Ah so you`ve come back for the rest of the story said the shop owner with a wise grin No replied the tourist But I was wondering whether you carried bronze lawyers?

Excerpts taken from court proceedings that s really silly and funny too These are actually things people actually said in court word for word taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place Q : What gear were you in at the moment of impact? A : Gucci sweats and Reebok Q : This myasthenia gravis does it effect your memory at all? A : Yes Q : And in what ways does it effect your memory? A : I forget Q : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you ve forgotten??? Q : How old is your son the one living with you? A : Thirty-three or thirty-six I can t remember which Q : How long has he lived with you? A : Forty-three years Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A : He said Where am I Christy? Q : And why did that upset you? A : My name is Evon Q : Now Doctor isn t it true when a person dies in his sleep he doesn t know about it until the next morning? A : Did you actually pass the bar exam? Q : The youngest son the twenty-year-old how old is he? Q : Were you present when your picture was taken? Q : So the date of your conception of your baby was July 9th? A : Yes Q : And what were you doing at that time? Q : She had three children right? A : Yes Q : How many were boys? A : None Q : Were there any girls?

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then insured them against fire among other things Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company In his claim the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires The insurance company refused to pay citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion The lawyer sued and won In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous The Judge stated nevertheless that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire and was obligated to pay the claim Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid 15 000 00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the fires After the lawyer cashed the check the insurance company had him arrested With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a 24 000 00 fine

Ever wondered how a lawyer could write a love letter to his girlfriend? To Sub: Offer of love Dearest Ms 1 That I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 7th of August (Wednesday) 2 That with reference to the meeting held between us on the 11th of Aug at 15:00hrs I would like to present myself as a prospective lover 3 That our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility would be made permanent 4 That needless to say and of course upon completion of probation I propose that there will be a continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse 5 That I propose that the expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us 6 That I further propose that later based on our mutual performance I might take up a larger share of the expenses 7 That however I am broad-minded enough to be taken care of on your expense account 8 That I humbly request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter failing which this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else 9 That I wish to add here that I would be happy if you could forward this letter to your sister if you do not wish to take up this offer Wish you all the best Thanking you in anticipation Please reply if you desire so Yours sincerely Mr Adv for y

The handcuffs are tight because they`re new They`ll stretch out after you wear them awhile Take your hands off the car and I`ll make your birth certificate a worthless document Remember when you gotta cuff `em nobody is your friend If you run you`ll only go to jail tired Can you run faster than 1 200 feet per second?(if you aren`t a shooter that is the average speed of a 9mm projectile (slug)) So you don`t know how fast you were going I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket huh? Yes sir you can talk to the shift supervisor but I don`t think it will help Oh did I mention that I am the shift supervisor? Warning You want a warning? O K I`m warning you not to do that again or I`ll give you another ticket The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog? God made tomorrow for the crooks we don`t catch today Yeah we have a quota Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds solely because dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf In God we trust all others we run through NCIC In God we trust all others are suspects Just how big were those two beers? No sir we don`t have quotas anymore We used to have quotas but now we`re allowed to write as many tickets as we want Law enforcement is not a spectator sport I know I know your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center I`m glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours At least you know someone who can post your bail

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game The blonde drunk and dozing just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun He explains: I ask you a question and if you don`t know the answer you pay me 5 and visa-versa Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep The lawyer now somewhat agitated says Okay if you don`t know the answer you pay me 5 and if I don`t know the answer I will pay you 50 figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match This catches the blonde`s attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays she agrees to the game The lawyer asks the first question: What`s the distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde doesn`t say a word reaches into her purse pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer Now it`s the blonde`s turn She asks the lawyer: What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress Frustrated he sends E-mail to all his co-workers friends clients and suppliers that he knows And then some All to no avail After over an hour he wakes the blonde and hands her 50 The blonde politely takes the 50 and turns away to get back to sleep The lawyer who is more than a little miffed wakes the blonde and asks Well so what IS the answer? Without a word the blonde reaches into her purse hands the lawyer 5 and goes back to sleep

Dear Friends I cannot use names allowed due to legal reasons however I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues but it is difficult in today s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone So I met with my solicitor last night and on advice I wish to say the following: Please accept with no obligation implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious socially responsible low stress non addictive gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all I also wish you a fiscally successful personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2015 but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race creed colour age physical ability religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes By accepting this greeting you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher Best Regards (without prejudice) Name withheld (Privacy Act)

A mechanical engineer died went to heaven Upon arrival Saint Peter checked THE BOOK and didn`t find his name so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner The devil replied that he could have anything he wished and what he couldn`t find they would steal So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner which when completed cooled hell off only a few degrees Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it About a month later the red phone rang The devil answered and found that God was on the other end of the line Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago? God queried Hell yes I remember Said the devil Well Saint Peter missed that man`s name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS as is our agreement If they`re on THE BOOK then they stay UPHERE and if not they go DOWNSTAIRS God exclaimed I`ll be damned if your going to get that engineer back He`s put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS said the devil Now look here We have an agreement In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS If you don`t send that engineer back right away I believe I`ll have to sue you shouted God And just where do you think you`ll get an attorney? replied the devil