A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying You do God s work The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop A policeman came to the barber for a haircut and again the barber refused to pay saying You protect the public The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut and again the barber refused payment saying You serve the justice system The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut

A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting Did you see the shot fired? No sir I only heard it Stand down said the judge sharply Your testimony is of no value The witness turned around in the box to leave and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loudly and derisively Irate at this exhibition of contempt the judge called the witness back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh at the court Did you see me laugh Judge? asked the witness No but I heard you retorted the judge That evidence is not satisfactory Your Honor said the witness respectfully

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven St Peter started to escort him inside when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake I`m much too young to die I`m only 35 St Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates and agreed to check on his case When St Peter returned he told the attorney I`m afraid that the mistake must be yours my son We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you ve billed to your clients and you`re at least 108

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates To his dismay there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St Peter To his surprise St Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was and greeted him warmly Then St Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line and into a comfortable chair by his desk The lawyer said I don`t mind all this attention but what makes me so special? St Peter replied Well I`ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old

A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by but instead of a jazz band it’s lead by a man walking a lion Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people A bystander asks the man “What’s going on?”“My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral ” is the reply “Could I borrow your lion?” asks the bystander “I’ve got a lawyer I’d like to have eaten ”“Sorry but you’ll have to get at the end of that line ” said the man pointing to the 200 people following the coffin Contributed by:-Mr Singh email address:- funnyjokes rediffmail com

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner A call came over the car`s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner The rookie rolled down his window and said Let`s get off the corner No one moved so he barked again Let`s get off the corner Intimidated the group of people began to leave casting puzzled glances in his direction Proud of his first official act the young policeman turned to his partner and asked Well how did I do? Pretty good replied the veteran especially since this is a bus stop

Job Applicant: I m looking for a job as a consultant Employer: I m sorry we already have enough consultants Applicant: That s ok with my experience I can be an advisor Employer: More than we can use already Applicant as he is getting desperate: I m not proud I can do paperwork I ll be a clerk If you have too many I ll start as a janitor Employer: It just doesn t seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications Applicant as he stands up and angrily yells Work for you? I d have to be a low life belly crawling double dealing jerk Employer: Well you didn t say you were an attorney have a seat we may have an opening

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty Just before he was taken away the man looked the judge in the eye and said Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch? The judge’s face went red and he roared It most certainly would not I’d add another two years onto your sentence The defendant nodded and then asked Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch? The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied Yes I suppose that would be okay I obviously have no control over your thoughts The defendant smiled and said Well in that case judge I think you are a son of a bitch

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police For example he said when I entered my chambers today I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom When the judge returned home that evening his wife asked him Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn t sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme? What? said the judge I didn t send anyone for my watch let alone three people What did you do? I gave it to the first one said the wife he knew exactly where it was

For three years the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn The last time he d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper s daughter Looking forward to an exciting few days he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn then stopped short There sat his lover with an infant on her lap Julie why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried I would have rushed up here we could have gotten married and the baby would have my name Well she said when my folks found out about my condition we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawye

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police For example he said when I entered my chambers today I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom When the judge returned home that evening his wife asked him Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn`t sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme? What? said the judge I didn`t send anyone for my watch let alone three people What did you do? I gave it to the first one said the wife he knew exactly where it was

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful For example the Judge said when I entered my chambers today I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom When the Judge arrived home that evening his wife asked Why so much urgency for your watch? Don t you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme? What? exclaimed the Judge I didn t send anyone for my watch let alone three people What did you do? I gave it to the first one replied his wife he knew exactly where it was

Two guys George and Harry set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean After 37 hours in the air George says Harry we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover George says I still can t tell where we are lets ask that guy on the ground So Harry yells down to the man Hey pardon me but could you tell us where we are? The man on the ground yells back you re in a balloon 100 feet up in the air George turns to Harry and says that man is a lawyer How can you tell? inquires Harry George answers Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over He rolled down his window and said to the officer Is there a problem Officer? No problem at all I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a Safe Driver Award Congratulations what do you think you re going to do with the prize money? He thought for a minute and said Well I guess I ll go get that drivers license The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman Oh don t pay attention to him he s a smartass when he s drunk and stoned The guy from the back seat said I told you guys we wouldn t get far in a stolen car At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said Are we over the border yet?

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink A few minutes later he says to no one in particular All lawyers are assholes The fellow next to him lit into him How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it s just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you d get slugged And you should If you weren t such a jerk I d pour my drink all over you but you re not worth the cost of my drink The fellow was properly abashed and apologized Look I m really sorry I didn t mean to offend you he says By the way what kind of lawyer are you? Lawyer? I m no lawyer you idiot I m an asshole