The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high 3) Overcharging fees to many clients 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case The list goes on for quite a while The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case He admits all these things but argues Wait I have done some charity also in my life St Peter looks in his book and says Yes I see Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy correct? The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies Yes St Peter turns to the angel next to him and says Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates Saint Peter asks him What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? The Lawyer thought a moment then said A week ago I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true Saint Peter said Well that`s fine but it`s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven The Lawyer said Wait Wait There`s more Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel who after a moment nodded back affirming this too had been verified Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel Well what do you suggest we do with this fellow? Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance then said to Saint Peter Let`s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell

One day in Contract Law class a Professor asked one of his better students Now if you were to give someone an orange how would you go about it? The student replied Here`s an orange The professor was livid No No Think like a lawyer the Professor instructed The student then recited Okay I`d tell him I hereby give and convey to you all and singular my estate and interests rights claim title claim and advantages of and in said orange together with all its rind juice pulp and seeds and all rights and advantages with full power to bite cut freeze and otherwise eat the same or give the same away with or without the pulp juice rind and seeds anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed or deeds instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding domestically or internationally X sign here

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter Hello mate says St Peter I`m sorry no Lawyers in heaven What? exclaims the man astonished You heard no Lawyers But but but I`ve been a good man replies the Lawyer Oh really says St Peter What have you done then ? Well said the guy Three weeks before I died I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa Oh says St Peter anything else? Well 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless Hmmm Anything else? Yeah A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian orphans Okay said St Peter You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns He looks the bloke in the eye and says I`ve had a word with God and he agrees with me Here`s your thirty dollars back now take a hike

A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle Not being one to ignore tradition he rubbed it and much to his surprise a genie actually appeared For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you three wishes said the genie But there`s a catch the genie continued For each of your wishes every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for First the man wished for a Ferrari POOF A Ferrari appeared in front of him Now every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris said the genie What is your next wish? I could really use a million dollars replied the man and POOF One million dollars appeared at his feet Now every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer the genie reminded the man and then asked him for his third wish The man thought for a minute and said Well I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a State Trooper The Trooper walks up taps on the window with his nightstick the driver rolls down the window and the Trooper smacks him in the head with the stick The driver says Why`d you do that? The trooper says You`re in Alabama son When I pull you over you`ll have your license ready Driver says I`m sorry officer I`m not from around here The trooper runs a check on the guy`s licence and he`s clean He gives the guy his licence back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window The passenger rolls his window down and the Trooper smacks him with the nightstick The passenger says What`d you do that for? The cop says Just making your wishes come true The passenger says Huh? The cop says I know that two miles down the road you`re gonna say `I wish that jerk would`ve tried that shit with me `

The bartender asks him What ll you have? The guy answers A scotch please The bartender hands him the drink and says That ll be five dollars What are you talking about? I don t owe you anything for this A lawyer sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation then says to the bartender You know he s got you there In the original offer which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance there was no stipulation of remuneration The bartender s not impressed but says to the guy Okay you beat me for a drink But don t ever let me catch you in here again The next day same guy walks into the bar Bartender says What the hell are you doing in here? I can t believe you ve got the audacity to come back The guy says What are you talking about? I ve never been in this place in my life Bartender replies I m very sorry but this is uncanny You must have a double To which the guy replies Thank you Make it a scotch

An old penny pincher had no friends Just before he died he asked his doctor lawyer and pastor to gather around him at bedside I have always heard that you can t take it with you But I want to disprove that theory he said I have 90 000 under my mattress and when I die just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial I want you each to toss in an envelope with 30 000 within The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave On the way back from the cemetery the pastor said I must confess I needed 10 000 for my new church so I only threw in 20 000 The doctor then said I must confess too I needed 20 000 for a new hospital I was opening up so I only threw in 10 000 The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head He then said Gentlemen I m surprised shocked and ashamed of you I don t see how you could dare to go against that man s final wish I mean I threw in my personal check for the full amount

A doctor a lawyer a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane Suddenly the plane developed engine trouble In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute yelled to the passengers that they had better jump and bailed out Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining The doctor grabbed one and said I m a doctor I save lives so I must live and jumped out The lawyer then said I m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world I deserve to live He also grabbed a parachute and jumped The priest looked at the little boy and said My son I ve lived a long and full life You are young and have your whole life ahead of you Take the last parachute and live in peace The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said Not to worry Father The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack

The young clerk`s responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot which caused him to spill much of it along the way ? None of the judge’s yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee until he finally threatened to cut the clerk’s pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim and the next morning and the morning after that The judge could not resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique Oh there is not much to it admitted the clerk happily I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room and spit it back in when I get outside your office

An engineer a physicist and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation The engineer was interviewed first and was asked a long list of questions ending with How much is two plus two? The engineer excused himself and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing Four The physicist was next interviewed and was asked the same questions Before answering the last question he excused himself made for the library and did a great deal of research After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations he also announced Four The lawyer was interviewed last and was asked the same questions At the end of his interview before answering the last question he drew all the shades in the room looked outside the door to see if anyone was there checked the telephone for listening devices and asked How much do you want it to be?

A man was browsing in an antique store when he came upon a statue of a rat He asked the price and the owner said The statue of the rat is 100; the legend behind the statue is another 100 The man agreed to buy only the statue itself although the owner warned as he left You`ll be back for the legend The man tossed the statue into the back seat of his car and started to drive away There were several rats in the alley that began to chase the car As he went through town many more rats began to chase the car until literally hundreds of rats were swarming the car Frightened the man sped toward the edge of town to a bridge over the river He tossed the statue over the bridge and into the water below All the rats jumped in after the statue and drowned The man now visibly shaken returned to the antique store The owner seeing him approach said Now do you want the legend behind the statue of the rat? No the man replied but do you have any lawyer statues?

A couple were driving to a church to get married On the way they got into a car accident and died When they arrive in heaven they see St Peter at the gate They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven St Peter tells them that he ll do his best to work on it for them Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing They bump into St Peter and ask him about the marriage He says I m still working on it Two years pass by and no marriage St Peter again assures them that he s working on it Finally after twenty long years St Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it s time for their wedding The couple marry and live happily for a while But after a few months the couple go and find St Peter and tell him things are not working out and that they want to get a divorce Can you arrange it for us? they ask St Peter replies Are you kidding? It took me twenty years to find a priest up here How am I gonna find you a lawyer?

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home When he said he had 12 children no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home He could not say that he had no children he could not lie after all lawyers can not and do not lie So he had an idea : he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent He liked one of the homes and the agent asked How many children do you have ? He answered 12 children The agent asked Where are the others ? The lawyer answered with a sad look They are in the cemetery with their mother And that s the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying MORAL: It is not necessary to lie one only has to choose the right words Lawyers don t lie they are creative

Q Officer did you see my client fleeing the scene? A No sir but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away Q Officer who provided this description? A The officer who responded to the scene Q A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender Do you trust your fellow officers? A Yes sir with my life Q With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A Yes sir we do Q And do you have a locker in that room? A Yes sir I do Q And do you have a lock on your locker? A Yes sir Q Now why is it officer if you trust your fellow officers with your life that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A You see sir we share the building with a court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room