An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter checks his dossier and says You`re an engineer you`re in the wrong place So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed Soon the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements Shortly thereafter Hell has air conditioning flush toilets and escalators Needless to say the engineer is a pretty popular guy One day God calls Satan and says with a sneer So how are things in Hell? Satan replies Hey things are going great We`ve got air conditioning flush toilets and escalators And there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next What You ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell send him to me Not a chance I like having an engineer on the staff and I`m keeping him God insists Send him back or I`ll sue Satan laughs uproariously and answers Yeah right And where are you going to get a lawyer?

One day a man was digging a hole to plant a tree in his back yard After digging about 2 feet he hit a lamp so he picked it up and brushed it off Suddenly out popped a Genie who said he would grant him three wishes Great the man explained However said the genie I must know who you hate the most I hate that lawyer down the street the most the man said Well said the genie whatever you wish for the lawyer gets double that Eager to get his wishing started the man exclaimed I wish I had a billion dollars Poof there was a million dollars next to him Now remember the lawyer has 2 million dollars said the genie Once again the man blurted out a wish impatiently I wish I had a Lemo and a driver Poof Suddenly there was a Lemo and a driver in his driveway Remember the lawyer has 2 Lemo s and 2 drivers the genie said This is your final wish make it a good one After a long period of thought the man grabbed his shovel and handed it to the genie Then he exclaimed I wish you would beat me HALF to DEATH

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office ready to show it off to his colleagues As he got out a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver s side The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone dialed 911 and within minutes a policeman pulled up Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions the lawyer started screaming hysterically His Lexus which he had just picked up the day before was now completely ruined and would never be the same no matter what the body shop did to it When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief I can t believe how materialistic you lawyers are he said You are so focused on your possessions that you don t notice anything else How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer The cop replied Don t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you Ahhh screamed the lawyer Where s my Rolex

A doctor a priest and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific They`re just about out of water food and hope when they spot a small island Only problem is between the raft and the island is a large hungry school of tiger sharks The doctor insists I`ll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and maybe even help If the sharks attack me with my medical knowledge I`ll be able to tend to my wounds The priest says No no my son I shall swim for the island I will pray as soon as I hit the water and with my connections I`m sure to make it While the doctor and priest are arguing over who is to go the lawyer dives into the water and swims toward the island Miraculously the sharks move away and clear a path for the attorney A little while later the barrister retruns to the raft with a lovely bunch of coconuts And again the sharks clear a path for him He finally gets to the raft and the bewildered doctor and priest ask him what was the source of this miracle and he replied Professional courtesy of course

An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile charity His response was I guess you hadn`t heard my mother is suffering from a terminal illness and she has medical bills which far exceed her income My brother is a disabled combat veteran He is not only blind but is in a wheelchair and he has to take ten different medicines a day My sister is the only parent of three children since her husband died without life insurance She has no college and scrubs floors for a living My wife is in a mental ward and may never get out My only child was in a drug rehabilitation program but he left and no one can find him Before he could get his breath and continue on the fundraiser thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone You are correct sir I had no idea of your problems Of course we can`t expect you to make a contribution with so many demands already on your income The attorney nods and replies Exactly why should I contribute to your organization when I don`t even give a single penny to my own family?

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence demanded a jury trial It was nearly 4 p m and getting a jury would take time so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty The jury went into the jury-room the judge started getting ready to go home and everyone waited After nearly three hours the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict When the bailiff returned the judge said Well have they got a verdict yet? The bailiff shook his head and said Verdict? Hell they`re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman`s position

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Hongkong One sat in the window seat the other sat in the middle seat Just before take-off a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys The physician kicked off his shoes wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said I think I ll get up and get a coke No problem said the physician I ll get it for you While he was gone one of the attorneys picked up the physician s shoe and spat in it When he returned with the coke the other attorney said That looks good I think I ll have one too Again the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight As the plane was landing the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened How long must this go on? he asked This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it`s a bad one Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt After they crawl out of their cars the woman says So you`re a man; that`s interesting I`m a woman Wow just look at our cars There`s nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days Flattered the man replied Oh yes I agree with you completely This must be a sign from God The woman continued And look at this here`s another miracle My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn`t break Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune Then she hands the bottle to the man The man nods his head in agreement opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman The woman takes the bottle immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man The man asks Aren`t you having any? The woman replies No I think I`ll just wait for the police

A local Charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town`s most successful lawyer The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least Rs 50f 00 000 you give not a penny to charity Wouldn`t you like to give back to the community in some way? The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied First did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Embarrassed the Officer mumbled Um no -or that my brother a disabled veteran is blind and confined to a wheelchair? The stricken Officer began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted -or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation leaving her penniless with three children? The humiliated Officer completely beaten said simply I had no idea On a roll the lawyer cut him off once again: -so if I don`t give any money to them why should I give any to you?

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married a couple has a fatal car accident The couple is sitting outside heaven`s gate waiting on St Peter to do an intake While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven St Peter finally shows up and they ask him St Peter says I don`t know this is the first time anyone has ever asked Let me go find out and he leaves The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven what with the eternal aspect of it all What if it doesn`t work out? they wonder Are we stuck together forever? St Peter returns after yet another month looking somewhat bedraggled Yes he informs the couple You can get married in Heaven Great says the couple but what if things don`t work out?Could we also get a divorce in Heaven? St Peter red-faced slams his clipboard onto the ground What`s wrong? exclaims the frightened couple Come on St Peter exclaims It took me three months to find a priest up here Do you have any idea how long it`s going to take for me to find a lawyer ?

A defendant was on trial for murder There was strong evidence indicating guilt but there was no corpse In the defense`s closing statement the lawyer knowing that his client would probably be convicted resorted to a trick: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury I have a surprise for you all the lawyer said as he looked at his watch Within one minute the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom He looked toward the courtroom door The jurors somewhat stunned all looked on eagerly A minute passed Nothing happened Finally the lawyer said Actually I made up the previous statement But you all looked on with anticipation I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty The jury clearly confused retired to deliberate A few minutes later the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty But how? inquired the lawyer You must have had some doubt I saw all of you stare at the door The jury foreman replied: Oh we did look but your client didn`t

A defendant was on trial for murder There was very strong evidence indicating guilt but no corpse had been found In the defense s closing statement the lawyer knowing that his client would probably be convicted decided to try a trick Ladies and gentlemen of the jury I have a surprise for you all the lawyer said as he looked at his watch Within one minute the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom He looked toward the courtroom door The jurors somewhat stunned all looked eagerly A minute passed Nothing happened Finally the lawyer said Actually I made up the previous statement But you all looked on with anticipation I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty With that the jury retired to deliberate But after only a few minutes they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty But how? the lawyer asked You must have had some doubt I saw all of you stare at the door Oh yes the jury foreman replied We all looked - but your client

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this: Q: Officer did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away Q: Officer who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir with my life Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir we do Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir I do Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir Q: Now why is it officer IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir we share the building with a court complex and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room

In a trial a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness an elderly grandmother to the stand He approached her and asked Mrs Jones do you know me? She responded Why yes I do know you Mr Williams I ve known you since you were a young boy and frankly you re a big disappointment to me You lie cheat on your wife manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs You think you re a big shot when you haven t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher Yes I know you The lawyer was stunned Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked Mrs Jones do you know the defence attorney? She again replied Why yes I do I ve known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster He s lazy bigoted and has a drinking problem He can t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women One of them was your wife Yes I know him The defence attorney almost died The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: If either of you rascal asks her if she knows me I ll send you to the electric chai

Few centuries ago a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees The student struck a deal saying I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee the student reminded him of the deal and pushed days Fed up with this the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves The teacher put forward his argument saying If I win this case as per the court of law the student has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues And if I lose the case student will still pay me because he would have won his first case So either way I will have to get the money Equally brilliant student argued back saying If I win the case as per the court of law I don t have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues And if I lose the case I don t have to pay him because I haven t won my first case yet So either way I am not going to pay the teacher anything This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history