An American soldier serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines He had finally been granted R R and was on a train bound for London The train was very crowded so the soldier walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog The war weary soldier asked Please ma`am may I sit in that seat? The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier sniffed and said You Americans You are such a rude class of people Can`t you see my little Fifi is using that seat? The soldier walked away determined to find a place to rest but after another trip down to the end of the train found himself again facing the woman with the dog Again he asked Please lady May I sit there? I`m very tired The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted You Americans Not only are you rude you are also arrogant Imagine The soldier didn`t say anything else He leaned over picked up the little dog tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up You know sir you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road And now sir you`ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect At the very last minute she realized that she didn`t have any snails for the dinner party so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails Very grudgingly he agreed He took the bucket walked out the door down the steps and out to the beach As he was collecting the snails he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach He kept thinking to himself Wouldn`t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me? He went back to gathering the snails All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing right over him They started talking and she invited him back to her place They ended up spending the night together At seven o`clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed Oh no My wife`s dinner party He gathered all his clothes put them on real fast grabbed his bucket and ran out the door He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment He ran up the stairs of his apartment He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs he dropped the bucket of snails There were snails all down the stairs The door opened just then with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he`s been all this time He looked at the snails all down the steps then he looked at her then back at the snails and said Come on guys we`re almost there

दुनिया के दो सबसे मुश्किल काम: पहला- अपना सुझाव किसी और के दिमाग में फिट करना। दूसरा- किसी और का पैसा अपनी जेब में डालना। जो पहले में कामयाब होता है उसे शिक्षक कहते हैं। जो दूसरे में कामयाब होता है उसे व्यापारी कहते हैं। और जो दोनों में कामयाब हो जाए उसे पत्नी कहते हैं।

एक बार एक पति अपनी पत्नी को ताना मारते हुए कहता है; पति: अगर तुम्हे ढंग का खाना बनाना आता हो तो मैं आया की छुट्टी कर देता! पति की बात सुन कर पत्नी को भी गुस्सा आ जाता है तो वह पति से कहती है; पत्नी: सही बात है और अगर तुम्हे भी ढंग से प्यार करना आता तो मैं भी ड्राईवर की छुट्टी कर देती!

मेरी प्यारी बेगम सवाल कुछ भी हो जवाब तुम ही हो। रास्ता कोई भी हो मंजिल तुम ही हो। दुःख कितना ही हो ख़ुशी तुम ही हो। अरमान कितना ही हो आरजू तुम ही हो। गुस्सा जितना भी हो प्यार तुम ही हो। ख्वाब कोई भी हो ताबीर तुम ही हो। यानी ऐसा समझो कि सारे फसाद की जड़ तुम हो और सिर्फ तुम ही हो।

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away So he explained his mission to the farmer asking for permission to marry one of them The farmer simply replied They re lookin to get married so you came to the right place Look em over and pick the one you want The man dated the first daughter The next day the farmer asked for the man s opinion Well said the man she s just a weeeeee bit not that you can hardly notice pigeon-toed The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter The next day the farmer again asked how things went Well the man replied she s just a weeeee bit not that you can hardly tell cross-eyed The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better So he did The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming She s perfect just perfect She s the one I want to marry So they were wed right away Months later the baby was born When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest most pathetic human thing you can imagine He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents Well explained the farmer She was just a weeeee bit not that you could hardly tell pregnant when you met he

जीतो: आज मेरे पति का जन्मदिन है मैं उन्हें एक यादगार तोहफा देना चाहती हूँ पर समझ में नहीं आ रहा उन्हें क्या उपहार दूं? प्रीतो: उपहार अपनी पसंद का देना चाहती हो या उनकी पसंद का? जीतो: उनकी ही पसंद का देना ठीक रहेगा आखिर जन्मदिन तो उन्हीं का है ना। प्रीतो: ठीक है तो फिर तलाक दे दो।

मेरी प्यारी बेगम। सवाल कुछ भी हो। जवाब तुम ही हो। रास्ता कोई भी हो। मंजिल तुम ही हो। दुःख कितना ही हो। ख़ुशी तुम ही हो। अरमान कितना ही हो। आरजू तुम ही हो। गुस्सा जितना भी हो। प्यार तुम ही हो। ख्वाब कोई भी हो। ताबीर तुम ही हो। यानी ऐसा समझो कि सारे फसाद की जड़ तुम हो और सिर्फ तुम ही हो।

एक फिल्म अभिनेता पत्‍‌नी को अपनी फिल्म दिखाने ले गया। पत्‍‌नी ने जब देखा कि उसका पति हीरोइन के साथ बड़े जोर-शोर से रोमांस कर रहा है तो उससे रहा नहीं गया और वह अपने पति से बोली तुम मुझे तो कभी इस तरह प्यार नहीं करते इसे क्यों कर रहे हो? अभिनेता: इसे प्यार करने के मुझे पचास लाख मिले हैं।

बीवियों के मायके रहने जाने का चलन साल में 3 बार होना चाहिए। इसके कुछ फायदे इस प्रकार हैं: 1. इससे पति-पत्नी में प्रेम बढ़ेगा। 2. तलाक के मामले काम हो जायेंगे। 3. मायके में भी बीवियों को अपना भाव पता चल जायेगा। 4. पति की क़द्र बढ़ेगी। 5. बार-बार मायके की धमकी कम होगी। 6. दामाद के प्रति सहानुभूति बढ़ेगी।

एक पत्नी बहुत गुस्से में अपने पत्नी पर चिल्लाई: तुम एक नम्बर के इडियट हो तुम हमेशा से इडियट थे और हमेशा इडियट ही रहोगे! अगर कभी सबसे बड़ा इडियट चुनने के लिए कम्पटीशन हुआ तो उसमें भी तुम्हारा दूसरा ही नम्बर रहेगा! पति ने पूछा क्यों मेरा दूसरा नम्बर क्यों रहेगा? पत्नी: क्योंकि तुम एक इडियट हो!

एक घर में चोर घुस गया पति-पत्नि ने मिलकर चोर को पकड लिया पत्नि जो बहुत ही मोटी थी चोर के कंधो पर बैठ गई और बोलीः सुनोजी आप जल्दी से पुलिस को बुला लाओ तब तक मैं इसे पकड कर रखती हूं तभी इधर-उधर देखने लगा बीवीः अरे क्या देख रहे हो? पतिः मेरी चप्पल नहीं मिल रही..... चोर कराहते हुएः जल्दी कर भाई मेरी ही पहन जा!

एक बार एक बहू अपनी सास के पास जाती है और कहती है; बहू: मां जी कल रात को उनसे मेरी लड़ाई हो गई! बहू की बात सुन सास उसे बड़े ही प्यार से समझाते हुए कहती है; सास: कोई बात नहीं बहू यह सब तो पति-पत्नी के बीच होता ही रहता है! सास की बात सुन बहू जवाब देती है; बहू: माँ जी वह तो मैं भी जानती हूँ लेकिन अब लाश का क्या करें?

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her she peeked through the gates She saw a beautiful banquet table Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her They saw her and began shouting greetings to her Hello How are you? We ve been waiting for you Good to see you When Saint Peter came by the woman said to him This is such a wonderful place How do I get in? You have to spell a word Saint Peter told her Which word? the woman asked Love The woman correctly spelled Love and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven About a year later Saint Peter approached the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven her husband arrived Well I m really surprised to see you the woman exclaimed How have you been? Oh I d been doing pretty well since you died actually her husband replied I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill And then I won the multi-state lottery I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion And my wife and I have been traveling all around the world In fact we were on vacation in Cancun when I went water-skiing today I fell and hit my head so here I am What a bummer Anyway how do I get in? You have to spell a word the woman told him Which word? her husband asked Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis she replied Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry or there will be Hell to pay NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters)

एक बार एक दम्पति में झगडा हो जाता है। पत्नी: काश मैंने अपनी माँ की बात मान ली होती तो आज मुझे ये दिन ना देखना पड़ता। पति: क्या मतलब? क्या तुम्हारी माँ ने तुम्हे मुझ से शादी करने से मना किया था? पत्नी: और नहीं तो क्या? पति: हे भगवान् मैं आज तक उस नेक औरत के बारे में कितना बुरा सोचता था जिसने मुझे बचाना चाहा।