A Pole an Italian and a Jew all first-time fathers-to-be are pacing nervously in the Maternity Ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby Is it yours? she asks the Italian Certainly not he retorts Yours? she asks the Pole who vigorously denies paternity How about you? she asks the Jew Maybe he says glumly My wife burns everything

Sir I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times the judge said Yes Your Honor the suspect replied What did you steal? the judge asked I stole a dress Your Honor replied the suspect One dress? the judge bellowed But you have admitted to breaking in four times Yes Your Honor sighed the suspect but the first three times my wife didn t like the colo

Cash check or charge? the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse So do you always carry your TV remote? the cashier asked No she replied but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally

A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car She curtly declines his offer by saying That`s not quite what I had in mind Frantically he offers her a new house Again she rejects his offer That`s not quite what I had in mind Curious he asks: What did you have in mind? She retorts I`d like a divorce He answers I hadn`t planned on spending quite that much

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son a renowned surgeon perform the operation As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son Yes Dad what is it? Don t be nervous son; do your best and just remember if it doesn t go well if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar walked over to her and kissed her She jumped up and slapped him He immediately apologized and explained I m sorry I thought you were my wife You look exactly like her Why you worthless insufferable wretched no good drunk she screamed Funny he muttered you even sound exactly like he

Honey said this husband to his wife I invited a friend home for supper What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess I didn`t go shopping all the dishes are dirty and I don`t feel like cooking a fancy meal “I know all that Replied the nonchalant husband Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper? said the infuriated wife Because the poor fool`s thinking about getting married

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band she suddenly looked concerned Tell me she asked the elderly salesman is there anything special I ll have to do to take care of this ring? With a fatherly smile the salesman said One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day

An Indian girl married a Spanish and went to Spain As he can t speak Spanish Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs she would lift her skirt shows her thighs to enable the seller understand her This went on for sometime one day she wanted to buy banana She took her husband to the shop (don t laugh you perverts ) Because her husband can speak Spanish and could ask for banana in Spanish

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form The young man who had never talked to a pastor before was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease When they came to the question Are you entering this marriage of your own free will? There was a long pause Finally the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said Put down Yes

Husband sent a text to wife at night Hi babe I will get late please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return He sent another text Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I m getting you a new car She text back OMG really? Husband replied No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller``s tent Thinking it would be good for a laugh he went inside and sat down Ah said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball I see you are the father of two children Ha you fortune tellers are all a sham said the man scornfully Im the father of THREE children The woman grinned and said That``s what YOU think

Amy phones her husband at work Sam do you have time for a chat? Sorry darling this is not a good time - I m about to go into a board meeting But this won t take long Amy says I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news I really haven t the time says Sam so just quickly tell me the good news Oh all right then the good news is that the air bag on your new Lexus works very well

A husband and a wife were sleeping Suddenly a sound of a car screeching was heard outside The wife woke up and shouted Oh it must be my husband The husband woke up after he hear his wife s words and ran off to hide in a bush outside Moments later the husband came in angry What do you mean Oh it must be my husband Are you saying you have other men over? Wife Well then why did you run away?

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband I ve been insulted she sobbed Your mother insulted me My mother he exclaimed But she is a hundred miles away I know but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it He looked stern I see but where does the insult come in? In the postscript she answered It said: Dear Alice don t forget to give this letter to George