When the rich man s will was read his wife was very upset: he left everything to the young woman who lived next door to them and nothing to her She drove immediately to the cemetery to cancel her order for his headstone The stonecarver said You re too late I already carved it just like you told me: Rest In Peace The woman thought a moment and then replied Okay then I ll pay you a little more to add Till we meet again

Newlyweds Tim and Nancy spent their wedding night at a hotel The following morning Nancy s closest friend Jennifer came over and asked them how their wedding night went I m so exhausted Nancy said All night long it was up and down in and out up and down in and out Misunderstanding her an embarrased Jennifer was shocked that Nancy would speak so crassly Tim clarified by adding Don t ever get a room next to an elevato

At a dinner party the speaker who was the guest of honour was about to deliver his speech when his wife who was sitting at the other end of the table sent him a piece of paper with the word KISS scribbled on it A guest seated next to the speaker said It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck She must love you very much The speaker replied You don t know my wife The letters stand for Keep it short stupid

A woman finds Aladdin s magic lamp She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes: - I want my husband to have eyes only for me - I want to be the only one in his life - I want him to sleep always by my side - I want that when he gets up in the morning I m the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone

For his wife s birthday a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: You are not getting older You are getting better When asked how he wanted it arranged he said Just put You are not getting older at the top and You are just getting better at the bottom It wasn t until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read: YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM

Tim: I hear you just got married again Sam: Yes for the fourth time Tim: What happened to your first three wives? Sam: They all died Tim: How did that happen? Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms Tim: How terrible And your second? Sam: She too ate poison mushrooms Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too? Sam: Oh no She died of a broken neck Tim: I see an accident Sam: Not exactly She wouldn t eat the mushrooms

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared I will tell you the secret of my success he cackled My wife and I were married 75 years ago On our wedding night we made a solemn pledge Whenever we had a fight the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk Gentlemen I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now

A man sitting at the window one evening casually calls to his wife There``s that woman that our next door neighbor is fooling around with His wife dropped the plate she was drying ran into the living room knocked over a vase and broke it on her way to the window WHERE? WHERE? she demanded Right over there on the corner The lady in the blue dress YOU IDIOT THAT``S HIS WIFE Yes I know the husband said with a satisfied grin

A man much harassed by his wife took his four-year-old son to a zoo to escape nagging at home They came to an enclosure where a donkey was grazing Papa what is this animal? asked the boy This son is an ass The next enclosure had a she donkey And what is this? asked the child This son is the wife of an ass Papa do asses also get married? Haan beta replied his Sire Sirf gadhey hee shaddi kartey hain (only donkey get married)

Two women were discussing marriage and one said We ve been married twenty-five years and every night my husband has complained about the food Not one night without complaining about the food The other woman said That s awful Doesn t it bother you? The first one said Not in the slightest Said the other woman You must be a saint To which the first woman replied No Why should I object? Many people don t like the food they cook

Mrs Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding After the photographs had been taken everyone had driven off to the reception and all the excitement was over Patty asked her mother Why did the bride change her mind Mommy? What do you mean change her mind? asked Mrs Sullivan Well` said the child she went into the church with one man and came out with anothe

A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring This man knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense The man walks up to him and says I didn`t know you were into earrings Don`t make such a big deal it`s only an earring he replies sheepishly So really? How long have you been wearing one? Ever since my wife found it in our bed

On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary the wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening Oh it s not over yet He said Once home he gives her a little black velvet box She opens it in anticipation and inside are two small tablets She asked But what are these two little pills? Aspirin The man replied But I don t have a headache She said There you go I told you the evening wasn t over yet he snidely said

My Dearest Susan Sweetie of my heart I ve been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement Simply devastated Won t you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill I can never marry another woman quite like you I need you so much Won t you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so Yours always and truly George P S Congratulations on you winning the state lottery

Robert was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table reading the paper after breakfast He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face I ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives Robert s wife replied Why thank you dea