A pastor and a priest from the local parishes are standng by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads: The End Is Near Turn yourself around now before it s too late Take a hike and leave us alone you religious nuts shouted the first driver as he sped by Suddenly from around the curve the clergy heard screeching tires and a big crash Do you think it would be better if we put up a sign that says BRIDGE OUT instead? the pastor asks the priest
Joe was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign hit his car broadside and knocked him cold Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him Joe began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics Later when Joe was calm they asked him why he struggled so Joe said I remembered the impact then nothing I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge flashing sign Turns out somebody was standing in front of the S on the Shell sign
A guy was getting ready to apply to a local department store for a job A friend told him that it was the policy of the store to hire nobody but Catholic Christians and that if he wanted a job there he would have to lie about being a Catholic Christian He applied for the job and the personnel man asked him And what church do you belong to? I am a Catholic said the guy And all my family are Catholics In fact my father is a priest and my mother is a nun Si
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The preacher said to him You need to join the Army of the Lord My friend replied I m already in the Army of the Lord Preacher The preacher questioned How come I don t see you except for Christmas and Easter? He whispered back I m in the secret service
A priest was preparing a dying man for his long day s journey into night Whispering firmly the priest says Denounce the devil Let him know how little you think of his evil The dying man says nothing The priest repeats his order again Still the dying man says nothing The priest asks Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil? The dying man replies Until I know exactly where I m headed I don t think it s such a good idea to aggravate anybody just yet
A priest was preparing a dying man for his long day s journey into night Whispering firmly the priest says Denounce the devil Let him know how little you think of his evil The dying man says nothing The priest repeats his order again Still the dying man says nothing The priest asks Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil? The dying man replies Until I know exactly where I m headed I don t think it s such a good idea to aggravate anybody just yet
Three priests were having lunch in a restaurant One said You know all summer I have been having trouble with bats in the belfry I’ve tried everything to get rid of them - noise spray cats – but nothing works Me too said the second I’ve got hundreds living there too I even had the place fumigated but still they stay That’s simple said the third I baptised all mine – made them members of the church… Haven’t had a single one back since
A man is driving down the road when he spots 2 priests on the side nailing signs into the ground The first sign says The End is Near The man turns to look at the other mans sign and it reads Turn back while you still can The man then sticks his head out his car window and yells Leave everyone alone you religious nutcases as he drives by A few seconds later the two priests hear a splash The first priest turns to the second and says Maybe we should just put up a Bridge Out sign
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession Upon entering the confessional she said Forgive me Father for I have sinned The priest said Confess your sins and be forgiven The young woman said Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times The priest thought long and then said Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice The young woman asked Will this cleanse me of my sins? The priest said No but it will wipe that smile off of your face
By the time the morning service was to begin only one man was in the church The priest said to him It looks like everyone has slept in Do you want to go home or should I preach the sermon? The man replied When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes I still feed it The priest took that as a yes mounted the pulpit and delivered an hour-long sermon At the end he asked the man what he thought His answer: When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes I don`t give it the whole bucket
A man walks in to a confession booth and says I have sinned What did you do asks the priest I committed a murder The priest says take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven A women walks in to the confession booth and says I have sinned The priest asks her what did you do I robbed six banks The priest says take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven Another man walks in to the confession booth and says I have sinned What did you do asks the priest I peed in the holy cup
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession Upon entering the confessional she said Forgive me Father for I have sinned The priest said Confess your sins and be forgiven The young woman said Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times The priest thought long and hard and then said Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice The young woman asked Will this cleanse me of my sins? The priest said No but it will wipe that smile off of your face
Then there was the man whose bread fell and landed buttered side up He ran straight away to his rabbi to report this deviance from one of the basic rules of the universe At first the rabbi would not believe him but finally became convinced that it had happened However he did not feel qualified to deal with the question and passed it along to one of the world s leading Talmudic scholars After months of waiting the scholar finally came up with an answer: The bread must have been buttered on the wrong side
An angel appears at a priests meeting and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth wisdom or beauty Without hesitating the leader selects infinite wisdom Done says the angel and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning Now all heads turn toward the leader who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light One of the preists whispers Say something The leader sighs and says I should have taken the money
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a 250 dress she had bought How could you do this he exclaimed I don t know she wailed I was standing in the store looking at the dress Then I found myself trying it on It was like the Devil was whispering to me Gee you look great in that dress You should buy it Well the pastor persisted You know how to deal with him Just tell him Get behind me Satan I did replied his wife but then he said It looks great from back here too
