An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating She walked up to the group and with a big smile asked Do you men know Jesus Christ? They shook their heads shrugged and looked at each other dumb founded One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled Anybody up there know Jesus Christ? One of the steelworkers asked why The worker yelled His wife is here with his lunch

An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven The officer replies Yes I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone When he refused I told him again more forcefully This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act The pilot replied About 5 minutes ago My friends should be here shortly

The Pope was finishing his sermon in the Basilica in St Peters Square in Rome He ended it with the Latin phrase Tutti Homini - Blessed be Mankind A women s rights group grievously approached the Pope the next day They pointed out that the pope blessed all Mankind but not Womankind The next day after His sermon the Pope concluded by saying Tutti Homini et Tutti Femini - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope They said that they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind and inquired if he could also bless gay people The Pope said Sure The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with Tutti Homini et Tutti Femini et Tutti Fruiti

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital As he was recovering a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment She asked if he had health insurance He replied in a raspy voice No health insurance The nun asked if he had money in the bank He replied No money in the bank The nun asked Do you have a relative who could help you? He said I only have a spinster sister who is a nun The nun became agitated and announced loudly Nuns are not spinsters Nuns are married to God The patient replied Well then send the bill to my brother-in-law

I went to a mixed religion seminar The Christian Priest came laid his hands on my hand and said By the will of Jesus Christ you will walk today I smiled and told him I was not paralysed The Rabbi came laid his hands on my hand and said By the will of God Almighty you will walk today I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me The Mullah came took my hands and said Insha Allah you will walk today I snapped at him There s nothing wrong with me The Buddhist Monk came held my hands and said By the will of The Great Buddha you will walk today I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me After the sermons I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen

A man died and went up to heaven where he was greeted by St Peter And who are you? asked St Peter My name is Steven Richards And what did you do for a living? asked St Peter I was unemployed Unemployed hmmm? mused St Peter And have you ever done anything good in your life? As a matter of fact I have I was walking along the street once and I saw a group of bikers who were threatening to beat up a defenceless girl So I rushed to her rescue pulled the ringleader off his hair kicked him hard where it hurts and told him and his gang to clear off That s highly commendable said St Peter flicking through the man s file but I can t see any report of this incident When did it happen? About five minutes ago

A rabbi and his two friends a priest and a minister played poker for small stakes once a week The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge After listening to the sheriff s story the judge sternly inquired of the priest: Were you gambling Father? The priest looked toward heaven whispered Oh Lord forgive me and then said aloud: No your honor I was not gambling Were you gambling Reverend? the judge asked the minister The minister repeated the priest s actions and said No your honor I was not Turning to the third clergyman the judge asked: Were you gambling Rabbi? The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied With whom?

A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with All those who want to go to heaven put up your hands Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of the room All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front spurs jangling and said Preacher that was too easy How do you know if these folks are serious? I can guarantee to prove who really means it and who don t Bemused the preacher said Ok stranger go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test Ask them anything you want At that the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters turned to the audience and said Alright who wants to go heaven raise your hands

A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with All those who want to go to heaven put up your hands Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the door post at the back of the room All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front spurs jangling and said Preacher that was too easy How do you know if these folks are serious? I can guarantee to prove who really means it and who don t Bemused the preacher said Ok stranger go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test Ask them anything you want At that the cowpoke pulled his twin six-shooters turned to the audience and said Alright who wants to go to heaven raise your hands

An old Jewish man gets on the subway in New York and sees a priest He notices the white collar and decides to ask what it s about Why do you wear your collar backwards? The old Jewish man asks The Priest being polite responds Well Sir because I m a father I am a father too but I wear my collar normal Yes the Priest begins but I am father of many The old Jewish man shakes his head I have 8 children and so many grandchildren I don t know most their names and still my collar isn t backwards The priest aggitated slams his fist in his palm Sir I am the father of hundreds The elderly Jewish man beweildered stands to get off the subway and leans over to the priest Mister maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards

A writer died and St Peter offered him the option of going to hell or to heaven To help decide he asked for a tour of each destination St Peter agreed and decided to take him to hell first As he descended into the fiery pits the writer saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop As they worked they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes by demons Oh my the writer said let me see heaven A few moments later as they ascended into heaven the writer saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop As they worked they too were whipped with thorny lashes by demons Hey the writer said this is just as bad as hell Oh no it`s not St Peter replied here your work gets published

A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with All those who want to go to heaven put up your hands Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the doorpost at the back of the room All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front spurs jangling and said Preacher that was too easy How do you know if these folks are serious? I can guarantee to prove who really means it and who don t Bemused and not a little frightenened the preacher said Ok my friend go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test Ask them anything you want At that the cowboy pulled his pistol turned to the audience and said Alright who wants to go heaven raise your hands

Joe and David are walking from religious service Joe wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying David replies “Why don’t you ask the Priest?” So Joe goes up to the Priest and asks “Father may I smoke while I pray?” The Priest replies “No my son you may not That’s utter disrespect to our religion ” Joe goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him David says “I’m not surprised You asked the wrong question Let me try ” And so David goes up to the Priest and asks “Father may I pray while I smoke?” To which the Priest eagerly replies “By all means my son By all means You can always pray whenever you want to ”

Mrs Jones was walking down a Street in Dublin and coming in the opposite direction was Father O`Rafferty Hello said the Father And how are you Mrs Jones? Didn`t I marry you two years ago? She replied You did that Father And are there any little ones yet? No not yet Father she said Well now I`m going to Rome next week and I`ll light a candle for you Oh thank you Father And away she went Several years later they met again Well now Mrs Jones said the Father How are you? Oh very well she said And tell me he said have you any little ones yet? Oh yes Father I`ve had three sets of twins and four singles - ten in all Now isn`t that wonderful he said And how is your fine husband? Oh she said he`s gone to Rome to blow out your candle

After years of his wife s pleading this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning He was so moved by the preacher s sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand He said Reverend that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear The Preacher replied Oh Why thank you sir but please I d appreciate it if you didn t use profanity in the Lord s house The man said I m sorry Reverend but I can t help myself it was such a damn good sermon The Reverend said Sir PLEASE I cannot have you behaving this way in Church The man said Okay Reverend but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good I put 5000 in that there collection plate And the Reverend said That was damn nice of you Si