A man walks in to a confession booth and says I have sinned What did you do? asks the priest I ve committed murder The priest says Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven A women walks in to the confession booth and says I have sinned The priest asks her What did you do? I robbed six banks The priest says Take a drink out of the holy cup and you will be forgiven Another man walks in to the confession booth and says I have sinned What did you do? asks the priest I peed in the holy cup

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon With great expression he said If I had all the beer in the world I`d take it and throw it into the river With even greater emphasis he said And if I had all the wine in the world I`d take it and throw it into the river And then finally he said And if I had all the whiskey in the world I`d take it and throw it into the river He sat down The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile For our closing song let us sing Hymn 365 `Shall We Gather at the River `

Three friends die in a car accident and upon their arrival to heaven they are all asked When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you what would you like to hear them say about you? The first man says I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man The second man says I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow The last man replies I would like to hear them say LOOK HE S MOVING

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over Bubba gets in line and when it s his turn the preacher says Bubba what you want me to pray about? Bubba says Preacher I need you to pray for my hearing So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while After a few minutes he removes his hands and says Bubba how s your hearing now? Bubba says I don t know preacher it s not until next Wednesday

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away At the end of the Service the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket They hear a faint moan They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive She lives for ten more years and then dies A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket As they are walking the husband cries out WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL

An atheist was fishing in Scotland one day when his boat was suddenly attacked by the Loch Ness Monster The boat capsized and the man was tossed skywards As he flew through the air towards the monster s open mouth he screamed Oh God help me Immediately everything was frozen in place The ferocious attack stopped and the atheist was left suspended in mid-air A booming voice came down from the clouds I thought you didn t believe in Me Come on God give me a break said the man Two minutes ago I didn t believe in the Loch Ness Monster eithe

An Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning addressing his congregation vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil As an example he stated during his sermon If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey from which would he drink? Grizzly old Mike at the back of the church spoke up Aye Father for sure he d drink from the bowl of water The priest elated said Very good my son And can you tell me why he d drink from the bowl of water? Sure I can tell you why Father replied Mike Because he s an ass

A minister would up the services one morning by saying Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars And in this connection as a preparation for my discourse I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark On the following Sunday the preacher rose to begin and said Now then all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark please raise your hands Nearly every hand in the congregation went up Then said the preacher You are the people I want to talk to There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark

A minister would up the services one morning by saying Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars And in this connection as a preparation for my discourse I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark On the following Sunday the preacher rose to begin and said Now then all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark please raise your hands Nearly every hand in the congregation went up Then said the preacher You are the people I want to talk to There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark

One summer a drought threatened the crop in a small town On a hot and dry Sunday the village parson told his congregation There isn t anything that will save us except to pray for rain Go home pray believe and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday But as soon as the parson saw them he was furious We can t worship today You do not yet believe he said But they protested we prayed and we do believe Believe? he responded Then where are your umbrellas?

A Christian and an atheist were neighbors The Christian one day yells Lord please sends me food The atheist heard this and replies There is no GOD The next day the Christian wakes up and goes to her porch to find that there were bags of groceries She yells Thank You LORD for this food As soon as soon as the Christian said that the atheist jumps out from the brush and replies Yyour GOD didn t give you that food…I did Without wasting a second the Christian yells to the LORD Thank you for sending me this food and making the Satan pay for it

A Preacher said: If I had all the beer in the world I d take it and throw it into the river And the congregation cried Amen And if I had all the wine in the world I d take it and throw it in the river And the congregation cried Amen And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world I d take it all and throw it in the river Again the congregation cried Amen The preacher sat down The deacon then stood up said: For our closing hymn let s turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing We shall drink from that river THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH

One summer a drought threatened the crop in a small town On a hot and dry Sunday the village parson told his congregation There isn t anything that will save us except to pray for rain Go home pray believe and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday But as soon as the parson saw them he was furious We can t worship today You do NOT yet believe he said But they protested we prayed and we do believe Believe??? he responded Then where are your umbrellas???

One Sunday morning the minister told the congregation that he was going to say a series of words and he wanted them to sing the song that came to mind when he said each word The first word he said was rock They immediately started singing Rock of Ages The second word he said was Blood and they sang Power in the Blood The third word was Cross and they began singing The Old Rugged Cross The fourth word he said was Sex everyone gasped and then it got very quiet then way in the back of the church an 87 yr old lady stood up and started singing Memories

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what they do with the money they receive in the collection plate One priest says Well I draw a line on the floor throw all the money in the air and whatever lands north of the line I give to God the rest I keep The other priest says I do pretty much the same thing I draw a circle throw all the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle I give to God and whatever lands outside I keep The rabbi says Well I do the same sort of thing too I throw all the money up in the air and whatever God grabs he gets