A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue Alarmed by the old fellow s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him He found him in excellent health so the Rabbi asked How come after all these years we don t see you at services anymore? The old man lowered his voice I ll tell you Rabbi he whispered When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day But then I got to be 95 then 100 then 105 So I figured that God is very busy and must ve forgotten about me and I don t want to remind Him

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue Alarmed by the old fellow s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him He found him in excellent health so the Rabbi asked How come after all these years we don t see you at services anymore? The old man lowered his voice I ll tell you Rabbi he whispered When I got to be 90 I expected God to take me any day But then I got to be 95 then 100 then 105 So I figured that God is very busy and must ve forgotten about me and I don t want to remind Him

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building where he crashed from pew to pew finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional A priest had been observing the man`s sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance proceeded to enter his side of the confessional But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence Finally he asked May I help you my son? I dunno came the drunk`s voice from behind the partition You got any toilet paper on your side?

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms Dewey said Forgive me Father for I have sinned I stole this turkey to feed my family Would you take it and settle my guilt? Certainly not said the Priest As penance you must return it to the one from whom you stole it I tried Dewey sobbed but he refused Oh Father what should I do? If what you say is true then it is all right for you to keep it for your family Thanking the Priest Dewey hurried off When confession was over the Priest returned to his residence When he walked into the kitchen he found that someone had stolen his turkey

One day a priest was playing baseball A nun was cheerleading near first base The priest was up to bat The pitcher threw the ball The priest swung missed and said Dammit I missed Don t you say that mister or God will strike you with a bolt of lightning the nun said Again the pitcher threw the ball The priest swung missed and said Dammit I missed If you say that one more time mister God will strike you with a bolt of lightning the nun said Once again the pitcher threw the ball The priest swung missed and said Dammit I missed A bolt of lightning strikes the nun and God says Dammit I missed

In an Anglican church each service begins with a greeting The officiating clergyman says The Lord be with you The congregation used to respond by saying And with thy spirit But with the modernizing of the liturgy the minister now says The Lord be with you and everyone responds with And also with you One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable As he approached the microphone he tapped it several times and finally said There s something wrong with this Without hesitation the whole congregation answered faithfully And also with you

Bob and Jim are walking to services Bob asks I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying? Why don t you ask the rabbi? says Jim Bob sees the Rabbi and asks Rabbi is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray? No you may not That s utterly disrespectful to our tradition answers the rabbi Bob goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him I m not surprised You asked the wrong question Let me try Jim goes over to the Rabbi and asks Rabbi would it be ok if I prayed while I smoke? To which the Rabbi eagerly replies By all means my good man By all means

After his death Osama bin Laden went to paradise He was greeted by George Washington who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph James Monroe Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans As he writhed in pain on the ground an angel appeared Bin Laden groaned This is not what I was promised The angel replied I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you What did you think I said?

One Sunday a cowboy went to church When he entered he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach The cowboy said I m not too smart but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up I d feed him So the minister began his sermon One hour passed then two hours then two-and-a-half hours The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon The cowboy answered slowly Well I m not very smart but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up I sure wouldn t feed him all the hay

This woman dies and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago Saint Peter asks What`s his name? Allan Smith replies the woman Gee says Saint Peter we`ve got a lot of Allan Smiths up here But sometimes we can identify people by their last words Do you happen to remember what his last words were? The woman thinks for a moment then says Oh yes I remember them He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone he would roll over in his grave Oh says Saint Peter You mean Spinning Allan Smith

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream Praise the lord This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back There is no Lord One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food thinking it would be funny he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch The next morning the lady screamed Praise the Lord who gave me this food The neighbor screamed It wasn t the Lord it was me The lady replied Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it

While shopping in a food store two nuns happened to pass by the beer wine and liquor section One asked the other if she would like a beer The second nun answered that indeed it would be very nice to have one but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said This is for washing our hair Without blinking an eye the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer The curlers are on me

A rabbi a minister and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game Turning to the priest the lead police officer said Father Murphy were you gambling? Turning his eyes to heaven the priest whispered Lord forgive me for what I am about to do To the police officer he then said No officer; I was not gambling The officer then asked the minister Pastor Johnson were you gambling? Again after an appeal to heaven the minister replied No officer; I was not gambling Turning to the rabbi the officer again asked Rabbi Goldstein were you gambling? Shrugging his shoulders the rabbi replied With whom?

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions The new priest hears a couple confessions then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions The old priest says Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand The new priest tries this The old priest suggests Try saying things like `I see ` `yes ` `go on ` `I understand ` and `how did you feel about that?` The new priest says those things trying them out The old priest says Now don`t you think that`s a little better than saying `Whoa What happened next?`

A good man passed away and went to heaven He was greeted by St Peter who congratulated him and said he could have anything he wished The fellow requested something to eat and a telescope so that he could look around While eating the sandwich provided to him he peered through the telescope down at the folks in hell and saw that they were feasting on prawns chicken tikkas mutton chops karahi paneer and desserts How come people down there are eating gourmet food? He asked St Peter I earned a place in heaven but you gave me only a sandwich Well replied St Peter apologetically it doesn t pay to cook for just two