A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast On his way there two nuns look at him and he says Good morning sisters and they reply in a sing song manner You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says Good morning Brother The Brother replies in a sing song voice You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning The priest looks confused at all this but goes on He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says Good morning Father The priest replies in a sing song manner You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning Now the priest was mad He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone The Bishop sees him and says Father The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop He looks at the bishop and says No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning The bishop looks at him stunned and says What? The priest realized his mistake and said I am sorry your holiness what is it you want The bishop looks at him and says All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann`s shoes?

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven When they get there St Peter says We only have one rule here in heaven don t step on the ducks So they enter heaven and sure enough there are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them the first guy accidentally steps on one Along comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw St Peter chains them together and says Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman The next day the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St Peter who doesn t miss a thing and with him is another extremely ugly woman He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman is very VERY careful where he steps He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks but one day St Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on a very tall tan curvaceous sexy blonde St Peter chains them together without saying a word The guy remarks I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity? She says I don t know about you but I stepped on a duck

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven When they get there St Peter says We only have one rule here in heaven: Don t step on the ducks So they enter heaven and sure enough There are ducks all over the place It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them the first woman accidentally steps on one Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw St Peter chains them together and says Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man The next day the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St Peter who doesn t miss a thing With him is another extremely ugly man He chains them together wsith the same admonishment as for the first woman The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man is very very careful where she steps She manages to go months without stepping on any duck but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on Very tall long eyelashes muscular St Peter chains them together without saying a word The happy woman says I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity? The guy says I don t know about you But I stepped on a Duck

While working on a message the pastor heard a knock at his office door Come in he invited A contrite-looking man in threadbare clothes came in pulling a goat on a rope Can I talk to you for a minute? asked the man with his hat in his hand Wordlessly the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down in it gingerly The goat proceeded to sniff around the office With one eye on the animal and one on the man the pastor folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward curious to hear the fellow s story What can I do for you? My family is hungry started the man So I stole this goat But I feel that I have sinned Would you please take it? Certainly not said the minister Then what should I do with it? asked the man Give it back to the man you stole it from of course the pastor explained I offered it to him but he refused to take it Now what should I do? In that case the minister said It would be all right for you to keep it and feed your family That seemed to settle things as far as the man was concerned Thank you for your help sir With a lighter step he walked out of the office leading the goat on the rope behind him Later that afternoon when the minister returned home he said to his wife as he walked in I have got a story to tell you I have something to tell you first she exclaimed Someone has stolen your goat

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree out of sight and began dividing the nuts One for you one for me One for you one for me said one boy The bucket was so full several rolled out towards the fence Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery He slowed down to investigate Sure enough he heard One for you one for me One for you He knew what it was Oh my he shuddered It`s Satan and St Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane hobbling along Come quick he said You won`t believe what I heard Satan and St Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls The man said Shoo you brat Can`t you see I`m finding it hard to walk as it is After several pleas the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard One for you one for me One for you one The old man whispered Boy you`ve been tellin` the truth Let`s see if we can see the Devil himself Shivering with fear they edged toward the fence still unable to see anything but they heard One for you one for me One for you one for me and one last one for you That`s all Let`s go get those nuts by the fence and we`ll be done They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy

These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments and three were always in accord against the fourth One day the odd rabbi out after the usual 3 to 1 majority rules statement that signified that he had lost again decided to appeal to a higher authority Oh God he cried I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong Please give me a sign to prove it to them It was a beautiful sunny day As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four It rumbled once and dissolved A sign from God See I m right I knew it But the other three disagreed pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days So the rabbi prayed again Oh God I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong So please God a bigger sign This time four storm clouds appeared rushed toward each other to form one big cloud and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill I told you I was right cried the rabbi but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign but just as he said Oh God the sky turned pitch black the earth shook and a deep booming voice intoned HEEEEEEEE S RIIIIIIIGHT The rabbi put his hands on his hips turned to the other three and said Well? So shrugged one of the other rabbis now it s 3 to 2

Once upon a time there was a Prince who through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year However he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language) One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips golden hair sapphire eyes ) and fell madly in love With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say My darling But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5) But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking Finally as the ninth year of silence ended his joy knew no bounds Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap knelt before her and taking her hand in his said huskily My darling I love you Will you marry me? And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear opened her sapphire eyes wide in wonder and parting her ruby lips said Pardon?

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish A leading local politician who was a member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner but he was delayed in traffic so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited You will understand he said the seal of the confessional can never be broken However I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here I can only hint vaguely about this but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and when stopped by the police had almost murdered the officer Further he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss s wife I was appalled But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk I ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish said the politician In fact I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession

When KFC sales hit a lean patch Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord s Prayer from Give us this day a daily bread to Give us this day a daily chicken I can t possibly do that said the Pope Not even for 100 000 dollars? asked the Colonel No not for 100 000 dollars replied the Pope Six months on and KFC sales were declining still further The Colonel was getting desperate and made another call to the Pope This time he offered 500 000 dollars for the words of the Lord s Prayer to be changed to Give us this day a daily chicken Again the Pope refused I can t possibly change the wording of the Lord s Prayer from bread to chicken he repeated Another 6 months and KFC sales had reached an all time low The company was in danger of going out of business Colonel Sanders made one last attempt to persuade the Pope to change the wording of the Lord s Prayer I ll donate 50 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the word bread to chicken in the Lord s Prayers That s a lot of money conceded the Pope So you ll do it? I ll have to discuss it with the cardinals So the Pope called a meeting of the cardinals He began I have good news and bad news The good news is KFC is going to donate 50 million dollars to Vatican The bad news is we lost the Wonder Bread account

Late one night a preacher was making his weary way home As he traveled the hilly curving country road he overtook a car The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation Oh no said the preacher to himself Joe has fallen off the wagon again The way that car is weaving he must be really plastered I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself Putting thought to action the preacher pulled along side Joe s car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road Over the shoulder down a steep bank the preacher s car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree Not completely senseless to the world Joe stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preacher s car Fortunately the preacher had been using a seat belt That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury When Joe saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car he yelled Who the hell are you? The preacher yelled back Joe don t you talk to me like that My God preacher that you? Yes Joe it is and I ll thank you not to take the Lord s name in vain It s already bad enough that you re drunk Are you OK preacher? Yes Joe fortunately the Lord was with me You better let him ride with me Way you drive you gonna kill him

It got crowded in heaven so for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died St Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man Tell me about the day you died The man said Oh it was awful I was sure my wife was having an affair so I came home early to catch her with him I searched all over the apartment but couldn`t find him anywhere So I went out onto the balcony we live on the 25th floor and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips I went inside got a hammer and started hitting his hands He fell but landed in some bushes So I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him The strain of the act gave me a heart attack and I died St Peter couldn`t deny that this was a pretty bad day and since it was a crime of passion he let the man in He then asked the next man in line about the day he died Well sir it was awful said the second man I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer Luckily I landed in some bushes But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me St Peter chuckled let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job Tell me about the day you died? he said to the third man in line OK picture this I`m naked hiding inside a refrigerato

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done The monsignor replied “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass If I start to get nervous I take a sip ” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and took a drink He proceeded to talk up a storm Upon his return to his office after the mass he found the following note on the door: 1 Sip the vodka don’t gulp 2 There are 10 commandments not 12 3 There are 12 disciples not 10 4 Jesus was consecrated not constipated 5 Jacob wagered his donkey he did not bet his ass 6 We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J C 7 The Father Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy Junior and the spook 8 David slew Goliath he did not kick the sh*t out of him 9 When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey don’t say he was stoned off his ass 10 We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T ” 11 When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said “take this and eat it for it is my body ” He did not say “Eat me” 12 The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry 13 The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub Yeah God 14 Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy’s

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem they were still unsatisfied Finally they consulted their family priest My children the priest began The Lord will listen to your prayers and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly In fact I am planning an extended stay in Rome and while I m visiting the Vatican I will light a candle for you Thank you Father thank you said the couple Before leaving the priest turned and said I am sure everything will work out just fine for you My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years But when I return I will be sure to pay you a visit And so 15 years came and went and the priest returned to the States While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago So he made his way to their home and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who d sought his council years earlier he rang the doorbell Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered he entered the house More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom In the midst of all the chaos stood the wife My dear the priest said your prayers have been answered And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle He just left for Rome she said in a very desperate tone Rome? Why did he go to Rome? asked the priest To blow out that candle you lit

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican Nescafe official Your Eminence I have some business to discuss We at Nescafe have an offer for you Nescafe is prepared to donate 100 million to the church if you change the Lord s Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread to Give us this day our daily coffee The Pope looks outraged and thunders That is impossible The Prayer is the word of the Lord It must not be changed Well says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened We anticipated your reluctance For this reason and the importance of the Lord s prayer to all Catholics we will increase our offer to 300 million All we require is that you change the Lord s Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread to Give us this day our daily coffee Again even more sternly the Pope replies That my son is impossible For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed Finally the Nescafe director says Your Holiness we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord but we do have one final offer Please discuss it with your cardinals We will donate 500 million The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals There is some Good news he announces and some bad news The good news is he continues to a hushed assembly that the Church will get 500 million And what is the bad news your Holiness? asks a Cardinal Sadly says the Pope We would have to lose the Britannia Account

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor The Pope says What can I do? The Colonel says I need you to change the daily prayer from `Give us this day our daily bread` to `Give us this day our daily chicken` If you do it I`ll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican The Pope replies I am sorry That is the Lord`s prayer and I can not change the words So the Colonel hangs up After another month of dismal sales the Colonel panics and calls again Listen your Excellency I really need your help I`ll give you 50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from`Give us this day our daily bread` to `Give us this day our daily chicken ` And the Pope responds It is very tempting Colonel Sanders The church could do a lot of good with that much money It would help us support many charities But again I must decline It is the Lord`s prayer and I can`t change the words So the Colonel gives up again After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate This is my final offer your Excellency If you change the words of the daily prayer from `Give us this day our daily bread` to `Give us this day our daily chicken` I will donate 100 million to the Vatican The Pope replies Let me get back to you So the next day the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says I have some good news and I have some bad news The good news is that KFC is going to donate 100 million to the Vatican The bishops rejoice at the news Then one asks about the bad news The Pope replies The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account