A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist The religious man prayed every single day and night spending much time at church while the atheist never even thought of such acts However the atheist had a good life An excellent well-payed job and a beautiful wife lovely healthy children whereas the religious man s job was stressful and his wages were low his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids were obnoxious and non loving So one day while deep into his regular prayer he looked towards heaven and asked Oh God I honour you every day I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin Yet my neighbour who doesn t even believe in you and certainly never prays seems blessed with every happiness while I go poor and suffer many an indignity Why is this? A great voice bellowed out from above BECAUSE HE DOESN T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME

Down in the south there are many churches known as answer back churches When the preacher says something the congregation naturally replies One Sunday a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better He said If this church is to become better it must take up it s bed and walk The congregation said Let it walk Preacher let it walk Encouraged by their response he went further If this church is going to become better it will have to throw aside it s hindrances and run The congregation replied Let it run preacher let it run Now really into his message he spoke stronger If this church really wants to become great it will have to take up it s wings and fly Let it fly Preacher let it fly the congregation shouts The Preacher gets louder If this church is going to fly it will cost money The congregation replied Let it walk Preacher let it walk

Three little boys were looking for a summer job Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell Bibles so the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice He was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment but hired him anyway So after the first days of work they all met back at the church The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him How many bibles did you sell? The boy stood up and said 35 Is that all you sold? the preacher asked He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing The boy said 75 That s good the preacher replied He didn t want to ask the third boy but did The boy with the speech impediment said I-I-I s-s-sold 175 The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles He said I-I-I t-t-t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-t-t-them

Tragically three friends die in an horrific car crash and they suddenly find themselves at the gates of heaven St Peter meets them at the gates and says Before I allow you to enter heaven I have to ask each of you a simple question They look at each other a little confused and then wait for the question When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you what would you like to hear them say about you? asks St Peter The first guy thinks for a moment and then replies I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man The second guy thinks for a little longer scratches his head and replies I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference to our children`s tomorrow The last guy ponders for a brief moment and then replies I would like to hear them say LOOK HE`S MOVING

Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening It had rained and there were puddles of water on the roadsides At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk across because of a deep puddle of water The elder of the two monks went up to her and lifted her in his arms carried her over the puddle and left her on the other side of the road Afterwards he continued on his way to the monastery The younger monk was both confused and slightly upset by the elder monk s actions Later in the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and testily said Sir as monks isn t it true that we cannot touch women? The elder monk answered Yes brother The younger monk then responded But then sir how is it that you lifted that women on the roadside? The elder monk smiled at him and said Brother I left her on the other side of the road but you are still carrying he

A priest and doctor were out golfing The doctor gets up to take his first shot He swings and misses the ball completely God dammit I missed says the doctor The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast Don t use the Lord God s name in vain says the priest I am sorry Father replies the doctor The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again God dammit I missed says the doctor The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land Don t use the Lord God s name in vain says the priest I am sorry Father replies the doctor Once again the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses He throws his club to the ground and yells God dammit I missed The heavens roared and the storm erupted sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest which struck him dead Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said Dammit I missed

A district minister arrived one Sunday morning in a small rural town The local minister asked the district minister to help with a local problem Everyone here thinks they are just perfect said the local minister Could you preach a sermon that will bring them back to their senses? The district minister was a gifted speaker eloquent with words and knowledgeable about the Scripture He spoke for nearly an hour convincing everyone that they too were sinners Finally the district minister was sure he had set everyone straight To reaffirm that they were all thinking alike the district minister finally asked Is there anyone here who thinks they are perfect? Everyone was looking at the floor thinking quietly Slowly one man in the back stood up The district minister asked the man And why do you stand sir? The man said I am not perfect but I am standing in memory of my wife s first husband who was

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge They type furiously lines of code streaming across the screen for several hours straight Seconds before the end of the competition a bolt of lightning strikes taking out the electricity Moments later the power is restored and God announces that the contest is over He asks Satan to show what he has come up with Satan is visibly upset and cries: I have nothing I lost it all when the power went out Very well then says God let us see if Jesus fared any better Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life in vivid display the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers Satan is astonished He stutters B-b-but how? I lost everything yet Jesus program is intact How did he do it? God chuckles Everybody knows Jesus saves

A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas As luck would have it there was a station just down the street She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas she spotted a Bedpan she was taking to the patient Always resourceful she carried it to the station filled it with gasoline and carried it back to her car As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by One of them turned to the other and said: Now that is what I call faith

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour and decided to go to a calm place to share the lot equally One of them suggested the nearby cemetery As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn t bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag A few minutes later a drunkard on his way from a bar passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying One for me one for you one for me one for you He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a church nearby for the priest Father please come with me Come and witness God Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voices continued One for me one for you one for me one for you Suddenly the voice stopped counting said What about the two at the gate? The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting We are not dead yet oooohh

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then but his passion was for peach brandy One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas One year when the minister went to visit his friend hoping for his usual Christmas present he was not disappointed but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday In his haste to get the bottle the minister hurriedly agreed and left So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church That morning his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face waiting to see the minister s embarrassment The minister climbed into the pulpit and said Before we begin I have an announcement I would very much like to thank my friend Joe for his kind gift of peaches and for the spirit in which they were given

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery One Sunday in the pulpit he said If I hear one more person confess to adultery I`ll quit Well everyone liked him so they came up with a code word Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest died at a ripe old age About a week after the new priest arrived He visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned The priest said You have to do something about the sidewalks in town When people come into the confessional they keep talking about having fallen The mayor started to laugh realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word Before the mayor could explain the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said I don`t know what you`re laughing about your wife fell three times this week

An elderly man dies and goes to heaven At the pearly gates Saint Peter welcomes him but states that the man must know how to spell the secret password to get in The old man replies You mean I don`t have to know it I just have to spell it? Saint Peter says Yes that is correct all you have to do is spell `LOVE ` The old mans spells out L-O-V-E with excitement Saint Peter opens the gate and says Come on in Then Saint Peter asks the old man if he could guard the gate for a few minutes while he goes to see God The old man does so and while he is waiting his wife suddenly appears in a flash He asked her what she was doing there She tells him that on the way home from the funeral she had a bad accident and died then asks him to open the gate and let her in He tells her that she must spell the secret password first in order to get in She says Okay what is the word? He replies Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard He called the police Since there did not appear to be any foul play the police referred the preacher to the health department They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with but the preacher called him anyway The mayor did not disappoint He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said Why did you call me anyway? Isn t it your job to bury the dead? The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response He was led to say Yes Mayor it is my job to bury the dead but I always like to notify the next of kin first

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent a block away from Jack s liquor store One day in walked Sister Mary Katherine and said Oh Jack give me pint of the brandy Sister Mary Katherine exclaimed Jack I could never do that I ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life Oh jack she responded it s only for the Mother Superior Her voice dropped It helps her constipation you know So Jack sold her the brandy Latter that night Jack closed the store and walked home As he passed the convent who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered She was singing and dancing whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird right there on the sidewalk A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed Sister Mary Katherine For shame You told me this was for the Mother Superior s constipation Sister Mary Katherine didn t miss a beat as she replied And so it is me lad so it is When she sees me she s going to shit