After years of his wife s pleading this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning He was so moved by the preacher s sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand He said Reverend that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear The Preacher replied Oh Why thank you sir but please I d appreciate it if you didn t use profanity in the Lord s house The man said I m sorry Reverend but I can t help myself it was such a damn good sermon The Reverend said Sir PLEASE I cannot have you behaving this way in Church The man said Okay Reverend but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good I put 5000 in that there collection plate And the Reverend said That was damn nice of you Si

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest The man`s tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket He opened his newspaper and began reading After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked Say father what causes arthritis? Mister it`s caused by loose living being with cheap wicked women too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man Well I`ll be damned the drunk muttered returning to his paper The priest thinking about what he had said nudged the man and apologized I`m very sorry I didn`t mean to come on so strong How long did you have arthritis? I don`t have it father I was just reading here that the Pope does

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed Mr Smith you re going to be just fine said the nun gently patting his hand We do need to know however how you intend to pay for your stay here Are you covered by insurance? No I m not the man whispered hoarsely Can you pay in cash? persisted the nun I m afraid I cannot Sister Well do you have any close relatives? the nun asked Just my sister in Mexico he volunteered But she s a humble spinster nun Oh I must correct you Mr Smith Nuns are not spinsters They are married to God Wonderful said Mr Smith In that case please send the bill to my brother-in-law

In Jerusalem an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray twice a day everyday for a long long time In an effort to check out the story she goes to the holy site and there he is She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes when he turns to leave she approaches him for an interview I m Rebecca from CNN sir how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying? For about 50 years he informs her 50 years That s amazing What do you pray for? I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship And how do you feel sir after doing this for 50 years? Like I m talking to a fu k ng wall

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St Peter s Square The first Catholic man tells his friends My son is a priest When he walks into a room everyone calls him Father The second Catholic man chirps My son is a bishop When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace The third Catholic gent says My son is a Cardinal When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says Your Eminence The fourth Catholic man says very proudly My son is the Pope When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence the four men give her a subtle Well ? She proudly replies I have a daughter SLIM TALL 38D BREASTS 24 WAIST and 36 HIPS When she walks into a room people say Jesus Christ

There were two rich brothers who looked great on the outside even attending church regularly but whose hearts were evil A new more astute pastor arrived at the church The congregation grew and a fund raising campaign was started to extend the church All of a sudden one of the brothers died The day before the funeral the remaining brother sidled up to the pastor and gave him a cheque for the full amount needed to complete the extensions Just one condition he said At the funeral you must say that my brother was a saint The pastor gave him his word and deposited the cheque The next day at the funeral the pastor let it all go He was an evil man he said hard on his wife and family corrupt in business and on and on He concluded but compared to his brother he was a saint

One day a teacher a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates St Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven they would each have to answer one question St Peter addressed the teacher and asked What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it The teacher answered quickly That would be the Titanic St Peter let him through the gate St Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring Heaven didn t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him decided to make the question a little harder How many people died on the ship? Fortunately for him the trash man had just seen the movie and answered 1228 St Peter That happens to be right Go ahead St Peter then turns to the Lawyer Name them

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day He sat down next to a priest The drunk s shirt was stained his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket He opened his newspaper and started reading A couple minutes later he asked the priest Father what causes arthritis? Mister it s caused by loose living being with cheap wicked women too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man the priest replied Imagine that the drunk muttered He returned to reading his paper The priest thinking about what he had said turned to the man and apologized I m sorry I didn t mean to come on so strong How long have you had arthritis? I don t have arthritis Father the drunk said and added I just read in the paper that the Pope does

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a graveside burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost making several wrong turns Eventually a half-hour late he saw a backhoe and its crew but the hearse was nowhere in sight and the workmen were eating lunch The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place Taking out his book he read the service Feeling guilty because of his tardiness he preached an impassioned and lengthy service sending the deceased to the great beyond in style As he was returning to his car he overheard one of the workmen say: I ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain t never seen anything like that

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith I m a billionaire he said and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life I remember that turning point in my faith I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night The speaker was a missionary who told about his work I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God s work or nothing at all So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God I believe that God blessed that decision and that is why I am a rich man today He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him I dare you to do it again

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith I m a millionaire he said and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life I remember that turning point in my faith I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night The speaker was a missionary who told about his work I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God s work or nothing at all So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God I believe that God blessed that decision and that is why I am a rich man today He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him I dare you to do it again

A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one of his elderly parishoners Mrs Smith He rings the door bell and Mrs Smith appears Good Day Mrs Smith I just thought I would drop by and see how your are doing The woman says Oh just fine Father come on in and we`ll have some tea While sitting a the coffee table the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table Mind if I have one? the priest says Not at all have as many as you like After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting says to Mrs Smith Oh my goodness look at the time I must be going Oh dear I`ve eaten all your almonds I`ll have to replace them next time I visit To which Mrs Smith replied Oh don`t bother Father Ever since I lost all my teeth it`s all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them

10 Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold 9 The Ten Commandments are actually only five double-spaced and written in a large font 8 New edition every two years in order to limit reselling 7 Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn t cafeteria food 6 Paul s letter to the Romans becomes Paul`s e-mail to abuse romans gov 5 Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates 4 The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals not Armageddon 3 Out go the mules in come the mountain bikes 2 Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn`t want to ask directions and look like freshmen 1 Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighte

On Christmas a five year old boy asks his mom Mom will I get anything from Santa today Mom says No you have been a really bad boy but if you write a letter promising to be a good boy next year he might give you a present Well after thinking a while boy decides to write to Jesus instead of Santa thinking that Jesus will make Santa to bring him a present So he writes : Dear Jesus I promise to be a good boy for the next year After thinking about that he decides that it is a big promise so he writes “Dear Jesus I promise to be a good boy for the next month And this continues until boy decides that he can`t be good boy even for one day Well next day boy goes to church and steels an icon of Virgin Mary brings it home and starts writing the letter: Dear Jesus If you want to see your mother again

Tommy enters the confessional box and says Bless me Father for I have sinned I have been with a loose woman The priest asks Is that you Tommy ? Yes Father it is And who was the woman you were with? Sure and I can`t be tellin` you Father I don`t want to ruin her reputation Well Tommy I`m sure to find out sooner or later so you may as well tell me now Was it Brenda ? I cannot say Was it Patricia ? I`ll never tell Was it Liz Shannon? I`m sorry but I`ll not name her Was it Cathy ? My lips are sealed Was it Fiona then? Please Father I cannot tell you The priest sighs in frustration You`re a steadfast lad Tommy and I admire that But you`ve sinned and you must atone Be off with you now Tommy walks back to his pew His friend Sean slides over and whispers What`d you get? Five good leads says Tommy